Trip - Day 1

What's this? An unattended computer attached to the Internet? Well, then let's begin...

First of all, the kids did great - I really couldn't have asked for better. They slept from before the first plane took off until it landed, woke up, got on the shuttle, had a snack, got on the other plane, and went back to sleep. That part was great!

However, the airports and the airlines were horrible! They had cancelled a few flights over the last few days, so of course, they overbooked mine. The first leg went fine, I was able to convince the person (at first I wasn't sure, but it turned out to be a woman) to switch seats with me and take the aisle. The second leg of the flight was fubar from jump street. When I went to the kiosks to check in, I only got half of the boarding passes for the second leg. I got an employee at the airline to figure it out, and he got the other two passes printed, but only three of them had seat assignments - they had put T and S in the exit row - (hello?? 6 year old in emergency exit row - not allowed), they had put me in row 4, and A didn't have a seat. I tried to fix it, and was told I'd have to address it in Philadelphia.

We get to Philadelphia, and of course, the plane is late, then it's even later because of some problem with the gate. Then we get out of the plane (we were in the second to last, and last rows of course) and hustle to the new gate (which requires a long walk, a shuttle ride, and another long walk). I get there and the lovely lady (insert heavy sarcasm here) told me that the flight was oversold and that she'd try to get A a seat. I reiterated again - that she is 5 years old!!! She's not getting bumped or flying alone!!! The woman tried to say she will have to wait and see if there is a seat available, but I think she figured out from my evil look, that this was not an option. So she puts her in row 12. Hello? SHE'S 5 YEARS OLD! SHE IS NOT SITTING AWAY FROM HER FAMILY. This "customer service" employee's response? "You'll have to work it out on the plane, I can't play musical seats".

We get on the plane, and the flight attendant tells me just to take all of row 12. (Again, the back of the plane) - ok, fine. However, she doesn't tell anyone else this, so I get the pleasure of dealing with a very angry woman at 7AM - who tells me that "it's not her problem" that I'm in her seat, that she doesn't want to hear it, and that I can just take it up with the flight attendant. She then went on to complain about how she was being treated. She eventually took the seat, but I just love how I'm supposed to deal with these passengers now!!!

Anyway, we made it, we're here, and for the most part we had a lovely day.

My sister and her children met us at the airport, then we all drove over to my parent's place for coffee (never has a sight been so welcome), and various breakfasty foods. Play time for the kids, of course, and it was wonderful to see how well they got along again, even after not having seen each other for nearly a year!

We then went strawberry picking (pictures will be added later - you'll have to check back for those after I get home), then we went our separate ways for naps. Of course, my children didn't sleep! They slept maybe 5 1/2 hours altogether, but didn't take a nap! T did, of course. I was left to take care of the kids, and continually remind them to be quiet because Daddy was napping. There's something wrong with that!

After naps, we drove over to the new house my parents were buying so that we could see it - it's beautiful, big and grand, and has a lot of potential, but I'm worried that they're getting in over their heads both financially initially, and on upkeep. From the house we take a short walk down to the beach - a private little button-hole sized beach, but the kids had a great time dipping their toes in the waves, watching the boats go by, looking for sea glass, etc. (Again, come back later for the photos!)

Well, it's now 8:30 locally, and I've slept about 3 hours in the last 36, so I'm pretty pooped. Tomorrow we're driving to Bar Harbor (it's about 4 hours away), and then the REAL vacation begins.

More updates soon!

Vacay?

I've always been good at multi-tasking. For example, right now I'm both looking forward to and dreading my trip. Let's break it down:

Things to look forward to:
Fun time with the kids
The Beach
Sleep
Seeing my brother for the first time in over a year.
Meeting his girlfriend.
Seeing my sister for the first time in just under a year.
Seeing my niece and nephew and watching them play with the kids.
Seeing my parents - especially now that mom is healthy.
Relaxing.
Geocaching in a brand new area and state.

Things to dread:
The flight.
A lot of uncomfortable time with T
Talking to the family about making the decision.
Making the decision.

Ok, I'm a logical sort of gal - for now - things to look forward to outnumber the things to dread. We'll go with that.

I probably won't be able to do a lot of updates while I'm gone - I though about bringing my laptop, but decided I just didn't want to carry it!

Take care, and I'll catch you all on the flip side!

Today's Lesson

Focus on the moment.

That's my motto for today. I'm often feeling like I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the weekend, waiting for Monday, waiting for 5:00, waiting for vacation, etc. I remember as a child making fun of my father for planning his next meal while eating his current one. At breakfast, we'd talk about lunch, at lunch we'd plan dinner. I thought it was a terrible way to spend the time. I was right. So, why am I doing the equivalent?

During the work day, I'm thinking about what I need to get done at home. When I'm at home, I'm thinking about what I need to get done when the kids are in bed. When the kids are in bed, I'm thinking about what time I need to get up the next morning. You see the pattern.

So, last night I stopped myself. I had laundry to run, dishes to do, needed to get packed for my trip, needed to eat dinner. But I stopped. Looked. Listened. I sat on the couch, across from my children and just looked at them. Of course, then I had to get up and take the following pictures, because they were too cute not to. I especially like how the cat works her way into the scene.

So that's the plan for today, folks - focus on the moment, taste it, savor it, don't rush onto the next bite.

New Low

I sunk to a new low last night. This one was surprising, even for me.

I watched a movie on the Lifetime Channel. (I'll pause for you to be shocked and pick yourselves back up off the floor). Ready?

Ok, this wasn't just an out-of-date chick flick finding a home for a couple of hours on the Lifetime Channel - this was an honest - made for women - made for television - made for Lifetime Original Movie - starring Jennie Garth of course. (Come On now, if it weren't for Lifetime what would those girls from 90210 do with themselves??)

It was called Girl Posi+ive (see how clever they are over there - using the plus sign for a "t" - you just can't buy entertainment like that!) Anyway, it's the story of two pretty blonde females that are positive for HIV. The movie takes place on a high school - and the audience (I have to assume I wasn't the only one) gets part of the information via really hip things like text messages, a video blog, and a MySpace Page.

The part of the movie that bothered me (aside from the part about me watching it) was the idea that kids in high school still didn't know much about the virus - and that the CDC is recommending that everyone be screened annually starting at age 13. Age 13????

Holy shit. I am in no way ready to be a parent of a teenager.

Annoyed

Ok, so you may have figured out by now that I complain a lot. It's really not me, there's just a lot TO complain about! However, I realized that I may have hit a new low this weekend on the annoyance factor.

I got annoyed at someone. I have no idea who. I will never know who.

I'm reading a fluffy little novel about a group of friends in England called "Bookends". This book has been out a fairly long time - it was published in this country in 2002. I checked this book out from the library (as is my wont). One of the previous readers of this book has decided that she knows more about the rules of grammar in the English language than the author, her editors, the countless proofreaders and the publishing company. The person actually has scratched out "I" and written in "me" so far in two places. In at least one case - our self-appointed goddess of grammar is WRONG! If she was going to change the word at all - it should have been changed to "myself" not "me". However, although I consider myself pretty literate, I don't know the rules of the REAL English language (you know, the one in England - not the bastardized version that we use here), so I cannot comment.

However, I will rest better at night, knowing that the Jackie Colling smutty vacation book I'm currently waiting for - will be grammatically correct - what a relief!

I Slept!

Wow...

For the second night in a row, I slept. This is quite an accomplishment, as I didn't take a sleeping pill, I didn't take any pain medication, I didn't drink my weight in vodka - I was tired, and remained tired - even while laying down!

True, the work drama has settled down - so maybe that's helping. I'm not thrilled with my new role, but for the time being, I'm doing it as best as I can. My home life still is in that silent, stiff phase... similar to a new pair of shoes, except this is costing me a lot more, and I'm not sure that it'll get broken in and comfortable. (However, from what I'm hearing from several of my friends - it's very fashionable to have a questionable marriage at the moment.)

Perhaps, I just reached the point of pure exhaustion and once again - the body took over and made me sleep. Whatever the reason, I'm grateful.
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I (t) M (i)

I am a self proclaimed instant messaging junkie. When the kids are in bed, the ol' Yahoo happy face comes out to play. In reality, it's an amazing tool - I'm able to keep in touch with friends that live in different states, have conversations at both parties convenience. If a kid pops out of bed, it's a lull, but unlike a phone call, it doesn't stop the whole process.

However, I do believe that IM is leading to I (t) M (i) - for me the Instant Too Much Information!

There is a person on my list that I never really speak to; it's a friend of a friend sort of thing. However, I keep her on the list for pure entertainment. The information that she puts in her "status" is just mind-boggling. I've seen things like "in the shower"; "watching tv"; "relaxing" - um... ok...

However, I've also seen "send me your address"; "planning the funeral"; "shopping for new underwear" - what's next "pooping"?

I Have A Serious Problem

Here it is in a nice, encapsulated statement: I don't want to be at home, and I don't want to be at work.

Ok, so now what? According to all the 12 step programs I'm familiar with, admitting you have a problem is the first step. Would someone please tell me what the second one is?

OK, you all already know the overview on the home life, so I'll start with work.

Last Friday things went Kablooie. One of the three team managers that worked for me resigned. She offered to work her two week's notice, but I generally make it a practice to not do that - I figure two weeks of a "what are you going to do - fire me?" attitude causes more harm than the good that is reaped from having someone there for two weeks to show you where the spreadsheet that shows people's birthdays is.

So, there was a semi-panicked meeting. I say semi-panicked, because a contingency plan was already created. We decided to restructure, putting one manager where there once was two, and offering the third manager a non-management role. She declined - so I lost another person.

So, as of Monday, I'm now doing my job, plus the job of the manager that was moved to the newly created department. On Monday it was pure chaos - moving office, computers, phones, training for the moved manager, training for me on the details of her old role... well, you get the idea.

I think it's a lot to ask - to ask me to continue to do my full-time job, and now also do another full-time job. All in the same amount of full-time. Of course, I'm going on vacation, so I have to also train my boss to do the details of what I do, so that there's coverage when I'm gone.

All of these things are reasonable requests, I've been through lean times. Here's the problem - I don't like coming in anymore. In addition to being concerned about the work load, I was given a lecture on Monday morning about not being friends with people that work for me. I understand that from a business perspective, I do. However, when the lecture includes that I handled everything perfectly, that I obviously didn't let friendships interfere with my decisions, that I've done amazing things for this company for the last 3 years, but ... I heard, you did everything right, now don't do that again.

I don't have a lot of friends to begin with, and to be told that I can't socialize with pretty much every person I know in town - why bother? I LIKE these people, that's why I liked coming to my job. I'd probably be better off finding another job and keeping these people as friends... in any other city, I'd say that would be easier - but jobs that will pay my bills are hard to come by around here.

This is a pretty rambling, venting kind of entry, I apologize for it, but you might need this info to keep up in the saga.

Dipping

If you've ever read "Running with Scissors" or seen the movie - you'll probably remember one of Augusten Burroughs visual explanations of the oddities of his therapist and his family: "Bible Dipping". The idea was that you'd ask a question, then open The Bible to any page - plop your finger down on a word - and there was your answer. It was like calling God on the phone and asking if they should have fishsticks for dinner.

Ok, so that was used as an example of eccentricity, but I can't say that I'm that far off. Ok, so I don't go looking for simple answers to simple questions, but I do find "hidden meaning" in words that I read and hear. For those of you that know me well, you probably already know that my personal mantra was taken from a classic, inspirational film: Finding Nemo. Dorie is one of the wisest characters, living or drawn, that I've ever seen. My mantra? "Just keep swimming... just keep swimming..." (Said of course with a nice uplifting lilt.)

So now that I'm trying to mentally prepare for making some of life's biggest decisions, I'm amazed at where I find hints... romance novels, songs on the radio, heck, even commercials are providing food for thought. You know what I need? A diet! Not from food, but from food for thought. I need a break! I need a sensory deprivation chamber. I need... I need... an Alicia Silverstone movie!

Aw, shit...

I think it's starting to catch up to me. The stress, the anxiety, the uncertainties. It is now 7:36 this morning, and I've already teared up - not once, but twice. What's making me cry? Um... everything?

The first was as I was driving to work, a random thought about my parents popped into my head, and the next thing I knew I was doing that girly tear removal - not the Kleenex dabbing into the corner to not ruin the mascara one - the one where the four fingers are held together and the flat side of the hand is used for wipage.

Two more old friends were reading this Blog last night. There's a TON of irony there, too, but I'll save it for another time. Let's just say they know each other and a long, long time ago there were Shakespearean taunts! Anyway, one of them left some lovely, supportive comments, and that got the ol' eyes wellin' up again.

It's going to be a long day.

My Mission

If you have children (or if you have nothing else to do on a Saturday morning) you're probably familiar with "The Little Einsteins". They are constantly off on exciting adventures (featuring great works of art and classical music, of course). Their cry is "We have a mission"!

Well, today WE (meaning you and I) have a mission.

I want us to stop allowing ourselves to be victims - of anything, anyone. Cut the words "I have to" out of your vocabulary - for just one day. Today is going to be a day of making choices. I chose to get up this morning, chose to get myself cleaned and dressed, chose to get a coffee, and chose to come to work. (Where I am choosing to not start work quite yet, so I can write this.)

My normal terminology, would have me saying, or at least thinking, I have to get up... I have to get to work... not today. Today is about choices!

Do I get to make all the decisions that my life needs today - indirectly - absolutely! My bosses may demand something of me, and I'll feel I have to do it, but I don't. I choose to do it, or accept the consequences if I don't - but either way - it's my choice.

This may be a small step, but it is a step to taking back my own life. Soon, I'll CHOOSE (almost typed have to) make bigger decisions, but hopefully this exercise will give me the strength to make the right ones.

So my friends, I encourage you to make good choices, recognize that they are your CHOICES and not your REQUIREMENTs, and take control. Good luck. Please wish me the same.

Let's talk about sex, baby.

I'm deprived and obsessed.

I knew about the deprivation. After all I am a woman of moderate intelligence, and I'm in a passion-free marriage. I've had sex this calendar year, though - twice! So yes, I know that I'm deprived.

I didn't realize the level of obsession I've reached until this morning. I was happily awaiting my coffee drink at the local Starbucks drive-through. My normal choice is a fat-free Carmel Machiatto, but I decided to try something different today - looking to get myself out of my rut, perhaps? Anyway, today I ordered a non-fat orange mocha. Ok, this may counter the intelligence notation above, but I looked at that receipt no less than three times. It said ORGMO - and I was still waiting for that $4 orgasm I just paid for.

Still waiting...

Monday

Monday's have a bad rap. Ok, so it usually means the start of 5 days of work, but if you're in the right job, that shouldn't be a bad thing.

So today is Monday. For me, it's a good thing. The more time I'm at work, the less time at home. The busier I am, the less time I have to figure out what to do with my personal life. The more distractions I have, right now, the better.

I'm headed out for vacation in 2 1/2 weeks. Vacations have a completely different meaning than they used to. A vacation was time spent with friends, plenty of adult beverages, perhaps a trip to somewhere warm, usually one involving sand. My last three vacations have all been to Maine. No doubt a lovely place to visit. However, the problem I'm faced with is that I need a vacation from MY LIFE, not from work. And life comes with me on these trips.

We'll be taking the red eye out. Yikes - a red eye with two small children? Yep. My parents were nice enough to spring for the tickets, which is much appreciated. Unfortunately, they went for accommodating T's schedule - and he asked for "the latest flight possible" on that day, so that he can sleep during the day. Well, that's great for him, but there's one problem - I can't sleep on a plane without chemical assistance. I could easily enough take a sleeping pill, but I'm concerned about being able to watch my children while medicated. Wait, what am I thinking? Of course T will take responsibility, right? He'll have been given the opportunity to take a nap during the day, so HE'LL watch the kids. See what I mean about life coming with me on vacation?

Once we get there, we're staying at my parent's summer house. My sister and her family live there, too. So these vacations are about letting the cousins play together - in new and different ways. Again, I'm not complaining about that - I never had cousins (both my parents were only children) and I'm glad my children have cousins that they enjoy so much. However, arranging play dates, cooking meals, cleaning the house is not what I'd consider a vacation!

One of the things that I am really looking forward to, however, is the opportunity to see my college roommate again. We lost face to face contact years (never mind how many) ago, and have had only sporadic e-mail contact ever since. However, she lives in Maine, and is only about an hour and a half from where we'll be - so we will get to see each other once more. The kids will be there, so that will limit the adult beverages to coffee - we'll have to not eat - to reenact our time as roommates. (Who had time or money to eat - we needed to save our money for the important things - clothes and alcohol!)

So perhaps, for those few hours - I can have a true vacation - forget about life as I know and instead, relive it when it was so much easier.

Complaints and Observations

Section I
Complaints

Ok, so yesterday was a pretty long day. I have one employee (and friend) that's been seriously sick - she was the one I took to the ER the previous day. Partway through the day, another one of my team managers went home sick. One of the second manger's employees were out at a family funeral, and another one had a doctor's appointment scheduled for the afternoon. That meant being really short - and I was trying to be in several places at once. The day went fine - and we got everything done that needed to be done. That's all fine and dandy.

I needed to stay about 20 minutes late to get my final paperwork done - so I was out the door a bit later than normal. I really wasn't very concerned about it, since T was off yesterday and he had the kids at home. I expected a nice relaxing evening. Um...

On my way out the door I get a phone call - T lost his cell phone and has been looking for it everywhere. He couldn't find it, so he was going through the process of getting a new one. He was calling me from a payphone, at the local Safeway (wow - payphone - it's like from a lost language) - then he was going to go to the store to pick up the things on my list. (Don't get all excited - he wasn't doing me a favor - most of the stuff on the list was for the kids or himself - and out of 4 things I asked for - he got two of them right) Anyway...

I'm driving home from work and my phone rings again. It's my mother-in-law. She asks me "Does T know he lost his phone yet?" A very lovely woman found his phone, and scrolled through it - found the "mom" entry and called. She called me. When I got home, I called my mother-in-law, got the woman's phone number, called her, and arranged to come pick it up. I left a note on the door that said "Back Soon - Picking up your phone" and headed out again. I met the woman about 20 minutes later, got the phone and came home to find a note on my note. "Back Soon - Trying to cancel new phone". I haven't even made it into the house yet, when T and the kids pull up.

T's greeting to me: "Where was it?"
My response: "No, we are not going to start this conversation this way."
T: "OK, thank you. Where was it?"

I explained the story, and he went off to call the cell phone company. By this point it's about 6:30, and my son asks me, "What's for dinner?"

Ok, so yes, that's the point of this whole story. It's 1/2 an hour before bedtime, T was JUST at the grocery store, he's now locked himself away to deal with his phone - and the kids haven't eaten dinner. Did he pick up anything at the store that would have made a nice, healthy dinner? No. Did he plan on doing anything for the kids for dinner? No. He had spent the last 4 hours dragging them around to deal with his cell phone (which, we'll remember, I went and picked up). So I end up throwing something together for dinner for the kids that will at least meet 2 of the 4 food groups.

Now let's make sure the point here is clear. I totally understand the frustrations associated with losing something as important as a phone. I don't mind being the one to go pick it up, I thought I was doing him a favor. So, to summarize the complaints: 1) What takes him four hours to cancel a cell phone and order a new one? 2) If he HADN'T been dealing with this phone, would he have planned anything for dinner (answer, by the way is no. I'd get a phone call at 4:45 asking me what I wanted to do about dinner - based on EVERY OTHER day he's home and I'm not.) 3) What was he so worried about on the cell phone? He gets a ton of minutes that he doesn't use, and all the calls after 7 are free. There are no long distance fees. If this was me, I would have waited until I had access to a phone - and called my own number - see if someone answered it - worked on the replacement after giving a couple of hours for it to be found. Oh, and that would have worked, since this woman had the phone on - in case he did call!

This is a long rant over something that seems awfully petty. I'm not doing a really good job of explaining the big picture here. In simpler terms - I, once again, had to work a full day (plus extra) then come home to do everything there - even though my so called "partner" was home ALL day.

Section II
Observations

The television was never turned on in my presence yesterday. This is an amazing accomplishment. Usually, as soon as the kids are in bed, the TV is on. I'm usually working on other things, and the TV fades into a hum into the background for me - but T gets sucked in. It doesn't matter what it is - any show - seriously, ANY show and he's glued.

I was on the computer "chatting" with a couple of friends, I was downloading music onto Pepe from old CD's, I was to quote an old 80's song - "enjoying the silence". T would occasionally be in the same room, but mostly he'd go into the playroom so he could watch television.

When I went to bed, I almost turned the television on, and it occurred to me how much of a habit television has become. I didn't want to watch TV, I wanted to read - so why would I automatically reach to turn it on? Our habits are so ingrained we don't even realize what we're doing.

How much of our lives are lead by choice and how much is just the force of a habit?

Our Bodies, Our Selves

Let me start out by saying that this is not going to be a guide to where the clitoris is. Sorry, boys.

Instead, I'd like to ponder the power of the mind over the body. Now, I know that we've all heard about the impact on our outlook on recovery, that laughter is the best medicine, (or is that living well is the best revenge?). Then there's the other side, we've heard about people who lose limbs and still feel the pain. I've accepted all of those as truths.

However, in the last couple of days I've been reminded what the mind can do.

Example 1) Me. Saturday night I had a dream that I was injected with a sedative. I felt the needle piercing my skin, I felt the drugs take affect, I slept late (for me) and woke up remembering the dream vividly. For the rest of the day I felt like I was in a drugged stupor. I couldn't form words, I couldn't wake up, I couldn't shake that medicated feeling. I ended up going back to bed, not once - but twice, because I felt so out of control over my own physical abilities. I've decided (because I am such an expert) that my mind took over to get my body the rest it needed. I haven't been sleeping much, and I think my mind and body just said "that's it - you need this rest - and we're gonna make you take it."

Example 2) After a rocky night with my little one, who was sent home from day camp yesterday for being sick, I took a friend and colleague to the hospital emergency room this morning. She was so weak, shaking, barely able to walk, and having a hard time forming thoughts. Luckily it was a slow day at the E.R., and she was taken back quickly. They took every body fluid they could find - and what did the tests show? Nothing. That's right - they weren't able to find any reason for her to feel the way she did. So, being the untrained, but born to be know-it-all doctor that I am, I've made my diagnosis. This friend is under so much stress, that I think she's just overloaded her capabilities, and her body fought back.

So I guess the point today is to listen to what your body, your head, and if all else fails, what those who care about you are saying - or your mind will take over, and that's really scary.

Musical Score By... Everyone!

It's usually someone else's words that get stuck in my head and pound my skull until I let them out. This time it was my own.

Two nights ago, I was having a "conversation" with an old friend. (Instant Messenger has replaced actual voice conversations). What I told him was that, "The soundtrack of my life would have been very different had you not been in it." OK, so maybe it was the modified Josephine Baker I was drinking (vanilla vodka, Chambord and orange juice) but I'm not sure what made the statement fall out of my fingers. However, a truer statement may never have been typed. He is a musician, and I spent a lot of time at his shows, listening to his music, dragging every friend I could to a dreary club in San Jose. OK, so I had a bit of a crush on him - but that's the point - those are the songs I listen to even now. The ones that bring back memories of people, places, where I was, what I was doing...

It occurred to me that the songs that I have loaded in Pepe are so eclectic - that there is only one thing that links them together: me. Seriously, I have everything from Anne Murray to Skid Row; Barry Mannilow to Fall Out Boy; Beethoven to Bowling for Soup. These artists have nothing to do with each other, but in all cases I can remember where I was in my life when I heard the songs. This wasn't necessarily the first, 10th or 100th time I heard the song, just the one that stuck. It's where I was when I heard them, not when they were recorded that matters.

For example, I have songs on the Ipod from The Cars. I can't hear anything from them without thinking of another crush from high school - he loved The Cars, and I wanted to impress, so I listened to them too. The same friend called me "Goody Two Shoes" - are you surprised to hear that Adam Ant is on here too? I have "Beautiful" from James Blunt because another friend said the song reminded him of me. I have a song by Quiet Riot because my oldest friend loved them eons ago. I remember the song by Adam Ant, "Desperate but not Serious" because of a very specific road trip with someone I've lost contact with - and no, it wasn't in the 80's.

Here's another strange musical connection. When I walk just to get somewhere, at my usual pace and stride, not for exercise, not a stroll, and not with anyone else I've often found that pace matches the remake version of "All of Me".

So, friends, what songs make up the soundtrack of your life? Why? Not all of you comment here, and that's fine - but I'd love to hear a story of one of the songs in your life. Music has so many amazing powers - it can tell a story perhaps we cannot.

The Weekend

I have so many things I want to talk about, but I think this first entry will serve as a "What I did on My Summer Vacation" type of entry. I'll leave the cerebral processes that went along with it for another day.


Friday evening: The usual. Fed children. Hosed them down. Made sure they're teeth weren't crusty. Made sure bladders had been emptied (oh yeah, I'm not making assumptions on that front for a while!), read stories, sent them to bed. Then I sat on the couch. And sat. Why this unusual gravity connection with my furniture? I was waiting. One of my marital pet peeves is that I have to be the one to bring up any concerns. To address the white elephant in the room - despite my begging each and every time that I'd like him to do it, he doesn't. So I tried again - and sat and waiting for him to bring up the issue that I had already brought up but had not been addressed for the past week. Do I need to say it? He didn't. So, of course, I did. I explained the same things I've been writing about. He defended, then accused. While we resolved, once again, nothing, it was one of the better conversations we'd had in over a month. I know I'm not the easiest person to live with. I know it. However, what people who work with me might be surprised to learn is that I only need two things (well, from an SO, that is). It's the same two things that I've said I've needed for the last several years. Not only do I not get these two things from my husband - he couldn't even tell me what they were. That was the lowest point, as far as I was concerned. Oh, what are they? I need communication and to feel important. Yeah, I know - it can be a lot to ask for. Please understand though, I don't mean I have to ALWAYS be the most important thing in his life - but it would be nice to be amongst the top three occasionally. OK, so like I said, we didn't come to any amazing revelations, but we at least cleared the tension for a while. Then we went to bed (yes, separately).

Saturday: Remember, that today is our wedding anniversary. I decided I wanted to go somewhere different and go geocaching. OK, time for a quick lesson on geocaching. When my dear friends, Melissa and Joe first told me about it, I didn't understand. I basically considered it a medium-high tech scavenger hunt. When they came to visit, and I went along on a "find" - I was hooked. This is why: Look around your city, town, whatever... how much is there that you didn't know about? What strange little finds are there, that someone else points out to you? Geocaching, to me, is about seeing my own town (or any others we visit) from another perspective. Here are some pictures of our geocaching adventures on Saturday:




This tree looks like it was struck by lightning. There was this amazing shape to the burned out section, and although it's now been chopped up, it's easy to put the story back together, by looking at the photo.

The geocache was hidden around here: What the heck was this doing in the middle of a beautiful wood, and how did it get here? Again, there's a story here - told by a silent, deserted, rusted out, shot-up, muscle car...

As we were leaving the area, we were lucky enough to find a few elk - we know that there had to be more in the area, but these were the ones who were less camera shy.











After geocaching we went on to have dinner. At one point, I turned to T, and said, if these guys (pointing to the children) weren't with us, this would be the saddest anniversary dinner ever.

After dinner we went to a nearby park to allow the kids to play, and mom had the camera in hand... this one is my favorite picture from the day, but I took quite a few great ones (if I say so myself).


Then finally, home to bed.

Pre-Wedding Jitters - Way Too Late

Well, I did it. I slept for an entire night (with the help of some Tylenol PM), with no children hopping into my bed. In fact, I didn't even see a child at all until about 6:45, by which time I'd already bathed and dressed myself.

So why don't I feel happy and bouncy?

I'm thinking it's this giant cloud that's following me around. I'm going to have to do something about my home life, and I don't wanna. So, I guess, do I really have to? I mean what's really wrong in having a roommate that you trust with your children? Of course, usually roommates pay for their share of the living space, but that's another gripe...

Tomorrow is our anniversary. I don't feel much like "celebrating" this marriage. That's pretty telling, isn't it?