Mirrors

Have you ever met anyone who actually could look in a mirror and decide they looked good?

My friend that was just here is a beautiful woman. Everyone says so. Everyone but her. My friend M is a beautiful woman who can get her husband heated up in a moments notice - but does she think she looks good?

I look in the mirror and I see bad skin, too much weight around my belly, frizzy hair, etc. That's not all I am, and I logically know this, but still - that's what I see.

So I ask again, does anyone ever look in a mirror and decide they look good? Of course not - if that were the case the diet industry would be non-existent, the cosmetics companies would be out of business, and clothing would be a hell of a lot cheaper.

Why can't I just accept myself for the way I am? Why will I pass up candy in exchange for a Lean Cuisine for lunch? Why do I spend $75 a month on skin care? Why do I buy exercise equipment?

I bet if I added all the money I've spent to make myself look better, I could have just purchased a voluntary lobotomy - and I'd have been happier.

I Slept!

Wow...

For the second night in a row, I slept. This is quite an accomplishment, as I didn't take a sleeping pill, I didn't take any pain medication, I didn't drink my weight in vodka - I was tired, and remained tired - even while laying down!

True, the work drama has settled down - so maybe that's helping. I'm not thrilled with my new role, but for the time being, I'm doing it as best as I can. My home life still is in that silent, stiff phase... similar to a new pair of shoes, except this is costing me a lot more, and I'm not sure that it'll get broken in and comfortable. (However, from what I'm hearing from several of my friends - it's very fashionable to have a questionable marriage at the moment.)

Perhaps, I just reached the point of pure exhaustion and once again - the body took over and made me sleep. Whatever the reason, I'm grateful.
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How wrong Is This?

I hate my body. I always have. It doesn't matter if I weigh 150 pounds or 117 pounds (and yes, I've been both within the last year), I hate it. I know that I have a distorted self-image. Do we all? Is there any person out there who can look at themselves naked in the mirror and say, "Damn! I look great!"? Ok, let's be more specific - are women capable of this? Or is this just something else that fad diet programs and surgical centers are trying to persuade us is a real possibility.

In my case, it's more about what I think than anyone else. In other instances - other people's opinions matter to me. I look for approval in my career, I look for compliments in my cooking, I look for people to tell me how great my children are, but when it comes to my body - nobody else knows what they're talking about. People tell me that it doesn't look like I've put any of the weight I lost back on - I dismiss this as them being nice and I know the truth. People (even in doctor's offices) tell me they wish they weighed what I do - I think I chose the wrong doctor's office if they think this is good.

I do not walk around my house naked. Again, not because anyone else might see me and think "Ewwww" - but because *I* might see me (damn mirrors) and think "Ewwwwwwwwww!" (Had to throw in a few extra, there).

Now, I know there are health risks of being overweight - but I'm not really OVER weight - just got a little extra. I have the energy to keep up with my family, I don't get sick a lot, I have low blood pressure, low cholesterol, I don't eat red meat, I walk and hike fairly regularly.

So, here's my question for the day. I'm on yet another healthy eating kick (it's what helped me lose the weight in the first place) - but why? If I'm going to feel the same way whether I've a BMI of 18 or of 24 - if I'm going to feel the same way in a size 4 or a 12 - why bother? Why give up all the foods that I love and that everyone else seems to get to enjoy if my internal picture of me is never going to develop into anything else?