Ah....
I was mostly right. I got there after him, so I chose not to sit by him. He was expecting me too, I could tell since he left me room to sit right next to him. He wore the tie that he wore when we were married. I found that strange. (And yes, he knew it).
The judge called us up, asked me a bunch of questions, seemed to really like my answers, and then asked him "with the exception of the pregnant question, do you agree with the answers given?" - He stammered out his "yes", but I got the feeling he was hoping for an opportunity to argue. He wasn't given one.
The papers were signed, filed, and copies were handed to us.
We left the courtroom to talk about some kid scheduling stuff, and yep, he asked for more money. I refused.
I left and went off for a lovely night with a terrific man.
Showing posts with label Joys of Divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joys of Divorce. Show all posts
Friday, March 28, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
T Minus 12 minutes
Or is it D - Minus 42 minutes?
I'm leaving in 12 minutes. I will drive with the sunroof open, windows down, and music blaring. I will arrive at the courthouse in about 20 minutes. I will be checked by security, I will walkthrough and I will find the courtroom and sit and wait.
Although I was told that T didn't even have to show up for the hearing, I'm sure he will. I'm sure he will sit right next to me. I'm sure he will want to talk about money. I'm sure he will want more.
I will remain calm and collected. (Or at least I will look that way).
Wish me luck.
I'm leaving in 12 minutes. I will drive with the sunroof open, windows down, and music blaring. I will arrive at the courthouse in about 20 minutes. I will be checked by security, I will walkthrough and I will find the courtroom and sit and wait.
Although I was told that T didn't even have to show up for the hearing, I'm sure he will. I'm sure he will sit right next to me. I'm sure he will want to talk about money. I'm sure he will want more.
I will remain calm and collected. (Or at least I will look that way).
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
'Twas the night before...
Ok, so it's two days before...
Remember when you were a kid and when it finally seemed like Christmas was around the corner - you really *had* to be good in order to make sure Santa would come?
That's kind of what I'm feeling these days. My hearing to finalize my divorce is finally, FINALLY almost here. Two more days. (Ok, 48 hours, 49 minutes, but who's counting?)
I am trying so hard to be good, Santa. Not for more presents, just so things go smoothly. T is pushing those buttons hard, but luckily, I've got D on my side, keeping me calm, and reminding me not to do anything foolish this close to the big day.
Remember when you were a kid and when it finally seemed like Christmas was around the corner - you really *had* to be good in order to make sure Santa would come?
That's kind of what I'm feeling these days. My hearing to finalize my divorce is finally, FINALLY almost here. Two more days. (Ok, 48 hours, 49 minutes, but who's counting?)
I am trying so hard to be good, Santa. Not for more presents, just so things go smoothly. T is pushing those buttons hard, but luckily, I've got D on my side, keeping me calm, and reminding me not to do anything foolish this close to the big day.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
On Saturday I went to the state-mandated class on parenting while divorcing. (Otherwise known as "How to Screw Up Your Children For The Rest Of Their Life 101.") T went to the class the previous week. When I asked him (still trying to be friendly!) how his class went, the first thing he told me was, "You're going to love this... you're not supposed to date for two years." I'm so glad that *this* was what he learned - that *I* wasn't supposed to be dating for two years. The other thing he got out of the class was that we should tell the kids together that we were getting divorced (more on that one later).
I went to the class. Did I ever hear that I wasn't supposed to be dating? Nope. In fact, I heard the opposite - they told us to go out, date, create a new life with new traditions for yourself. I was there with my friend, TGD, and she heard the same thing. We (TGD) and I talked about it, and we think T got the 2-year thing from the part that explained that it takes about 2 years to get all the way through the grief process for a divorce. However, T might have missed the other two key parts - that it starts when you actually start thinking about ending the marriage (which for me was 3 years ago) and that the person who files the paperwork (again, me) is usually at the end of the process.
So the point of this long and rambling story is actually (shocking, I know) yet another question. Did Troy get out of the class only what he was looking to hear? Did I do the same thing? Did TGD who is also in a relationship hear what I heard because she wanted to?
Do we all just hear what we want? When in an argument with someone are we just filtering through what the other person is saying to find kernals of information that will validate our own feelings? Can we ever be truly open-minded? In my own case, I find that I'm not really likely to change my mind to someone else's way of thinking in the course of a discussion. However, let it sink in long enough, let me marinate in it for a while, and I might just come around to your way of thinking. Perhaps that is true of most of us. To be honest, I hope so.
Oh, and back to the telling the kids about the divorce together, thing. I think what the class was getting at was that when you split up, you're supposed to give the kids a reason why and do it together. We did that. However, I don't think it's necessary to sit down with them again, and tell them that "we have filed the paperwork for dissolution of marriage". I know I'm not a child expert, but I do think that children ask the questions they are ready to hear answers to. I have always promised to answer every question they ask, whether or not I'm ready. For now, I think that's enough.
I went to the class. Did I ever hear that I wasn't supposed to be dating? Nope. In fact, I heard the opposite - they told us to go out, date, create a new life with new traditions for yourself. I was there with my friend, TGD, and she heard the same thing. We (TGD) and I talked about it, and we think T got the 2-year thing from the part that explained that it takes about 2 years to get all the way through the grief process for a divorce. However, T might have missed the other two key parts - that it starts when you actually start thinking about ending the marriage (which for me was 3 years ago) and that the person who files the paperwork (again, me) is usually at the end of the process.
So the point of this long and rambling story is actually (shocking, I know) yet another question. Did Troy get out of the class only what he was looking to hear? Did I do the same thing? Did TGD who is also in a relationship hear what I heard because she wanted to?
Do we all just hear what we want? When in an argument with someone are we just filtering through what the other person is saying to find kernals of information that will validate our own feelings? Can we ever be truly open-minded? In my own case, I find that I'm not really likely to change my mind to someone else's way of thinking in the course of a discussion. However, let it sink in long enough, let me marinate in it for a while, and I might just come around to your way of thinking. Perhaps that is true of most of us. To be honest, I hope so.
Oh, and back to the telling the kids about the divorce together, thing. I think what the class was getting at was that when you split up, you're supposed to give the kids a reason why and do it together. We did that. However, I don't think it's necessary to sit down with them again, and tell them that "we have filed the paperwork for dissolution of marriage". I know I'm not a child expert, but I do think that children ask the questions they are ready to hear answers to. I have always promised to answer every question they ask, whether or not I'm ready. For now, I think that's enough.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Needs
Life was so simple, once upon a time. All I needed was my thumb to suck, a stuffed animal to cuddle and a book to read.
Today, I had different needs. I needed my denim skirt and shoes that make clicky-sounds. The shoes make me sound intimidating, and I needed that today. The skirt is a size 4, and it's loose on me. I needed that today, too.
Last night, T called me to tell me that he no longer was going to agree with our agreement on the house. (The agreement was made in 2004 when we split up, and it said that he gets 1/2 of the down payment of the house, but that's it.) He decided to tell me last night that he decided that wasn't fair anymore.
He made a few suggestions, which I did not like. One was to give him more money. One was to give him a percentage of the equity in the house as it was now. One was to give him a percentage of the equity in the house whenever I sell it. I understand that it's a community property state. I understand that LEGALLY he's entitled to half of the value of the house. However, let's revisit the reality, shall we?
We bought a house in California together, before we were married. I put down about 2/3 of the down payment, he put down about 1/3. We both were working. We had one child. We both were working. I paid about 60% of the mortgage, he paid about 40%. We had another child. He stopped working. I paid the bills. He stayed home three days a week with the kids, the other two I paid for a babysitter. I still paid the bills. We sold the house two years later and made some money on it.
We lived off that money for about 8 months, before we both found jobs in Prescott, where we live now. When we bought the house currently in dispute, we used the rest of the money from the house sale in California as the down payment. From that time, I paid the mortgage. Oh, there were a few months, where T made a moderate effort to help, he paid about 30% of the mortgage for about 3 months out of the first six. Then we split up, I paid the bills. He lived somewhere else for about a year, and I let him move back in. I paid the bills. After that, he was laid off. I paid the bills. He went back to work. I still paid the bills. I had the yard landscaped. I paid the bill. Things went wrong, I had them fixed. I paid the bills.
So our final agreement is that I will pay him the $28,000 we agreed on. I also agreed that if I sell the house within the next 5 years, I will have to pay him another $15,000.
The part of this that bothers me, is that he knows that he didn't pay for the house. He knows that he shouldn't have a claim on any equity from the house. However, the whole reason that he wants this agreement (I think) is so I don't sell the house and buy something new with anyone else.
Ok, the skirt and shoes are helping, but maybe a good thumb-sucking wouldn't hurt.
Today, I had different needs. I needed my denim skirt and shoes that make clicky-sounds. The shoes make me sound intimidating, and I needed that today. The skirt is a size 4, and it's loose on me. I needed that today, too.
Last night, T called me to tell me that he no longer was going to agree with our agreement on the house. (The agreement was made in 2004 when we split up, and it said that he gets 1/2 of the down payment of the house, but that's it.) He decided to tell me last night that he decided that wasn't fair anymore.
He made a few suggestions, which I did not like. One was to give him more money. One was to give him a percentage of the equity in the house as it was now. One was to give him a percentage of the equity in the house whenever I sell it. I understand that it's a community property state. I understand that LEGALLY he's entitled to half of the value of the house. However, let's revisit the reality, shall we?
We bought a house in California together, before we were married. I put down about 2/3 of the down payment, he put down about 1/3. We both were working. We had one child. We both were working. I paid about 60% of the mortgage, he paid about 40%. We had another child. He stopped working. I paid the bills. He stayed home three days a week with the kids, the other two I paid for a babysitter. I still paid the bills. We sold the house two years later and made some money on it.
We lived off that money for about 8 months, before we both found jobs in Prescott, where we live now. When we bought the house currently in dispute, we used the rest of the money from the house sale in California as the down payment. From that time, I paid the mortgage. Oh, there were a few months, where T made a moderate effort to help, he paid about 30% of the mortgage for about 3 months out of the first six. Then we split up, I paid the bills. He lived somewhere else for about a year, and I let him move back in. I paid the bills. After that, he was laid off. I paid the bills. He went back to work. I still paid the bills. I had the yard landscaped. I paid the bill. Things went wrong, I had them fixed. I paid the bills.
So our final agreement is that I will pay him the $28,000 we agreed on. I also agreed that if I sell the house within the next 5 years, I will have to pay him another $15,000.
The part of this that bothers me, is that he knows that he didn't pay for the house. He knows that he shouldn't have a claim on any equity from the house. However, the whole reason that he wants this agreement (I think) is so I don't sell the house and buy something new with anyone else.
Ok, the skirt and shoes are helping, but maybe a good thumb-sucking wouldn't hurt.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Paperwork
Ok, so I met with the Certified Paper-Pusher yesterday. In the hour before I was going to see her, I was in a fantastic mood. I felt like a kid before Christmas. Why? I mean, technically, shouldn't there be some sadness? Some regret? Why am I feeling so good about my marriage ending? I know, it's been over for a very long time. Everyone knew it. I knew it. T knew it. The kids knew it. I think the mailman knew it.
Anyway, I meet with her, she checks through my paperwork, rewords a little bit here and there. Puts all my forms in order - tells me how many copies of each section I need, explains the time-line, tells me what I need to do next. Made life very easy.
So, here's what has to happen now. I have one more section to complete (it's only 2 pages), and then I get to file the paperwork and pay the $226.00. At that time, I get to sign up for the state-mandatory parenting class. Then T needs to be served. The easiest way to accomplish this, is for him to go with me to the courthouse and sign the acceptance of service (as well as the custody and parenting plan). Both of these things have to be signed in front of a notary or court deputy. The next best option is to just hand him the stuff, have him sign it in front of a notary himself, and file it at the court. Here's the problem there - what if he doesn't do it? What if he just sits on the paperwork? The mandatory waiting period is 60 days. It doesn't start until he is officially served (which means - his signature is notarized!) The least favorable option (at least for me) is to have him served by the Sherriff's department or a Process Server, this would have to be done at his place of employment, since when he's home, it's either at night or when he has the kids. Neither would be a really nice thing to do.
So, when leaving the office of the paralegal yesterday, still riding my really good mood, I called T. Of course, that was a mood killer. He was not willing to commit to meeting me at the courthouse. He said "we'd talk about it". Silly me, I thought that's what we were doing on the phone.
It's now Thursday morning. I'm filing the paperwork tomorrow. I still don't know if it's going to be a voluntary service, or if I'm going to have to have him served.
Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day. I'm (hopefully) starting my divorce waiting period, signing up for my parenting class, and then going to my son's Thanksgiving play, where he is in the pivoting role of "Narrator #1". I'm quite sure it will be Tony-worthy.
Anyway, I meet with her, she checks through my paperwork, rewords a little bit here and there. Puts all my forms in order - tells me how many copies of each section I need, explains the time-line, tells me what I need to do next. Made life very easy.
So, here's what has to happen now. I have one more section to complete (it's only 2 pages), and then I get to file the paperwork and pay the $226.00. At that time, I get to sign up for the state-mandatory parenting class. Then T needs to be served. The easiest way to accomplish this, is for him to go with me to the courthouse and sign the acceptance of service (as well as the custody and parenting plan). Both of these things have to be signed in front of a notary or court deputy. The next best option is to just hand him the stuff, have him sign it in front of a notary himself, and file it at the court. Here's the problem there - what if he doesn't do it? What if he just sits on the paperwork? The mandatory waiting period is 60 days. It doesn't start until he is officially served (which means - his signature is notarized!) The least favorable option (at least for me) is to have him served by the Sherriff's department or a Process Server, this would have to be done at his place of employment, since when he's home, it's either at night or when he has the kids. Neither would be a really nice thing to do.
So, when leaving the office of the paralegal yesterday, still riding my really good mood, I called T. Of course, that was a mood killer. He was not willing to commit to meeting me at the courthouse. He said "we'd talk about it". Silly me, I thought that's what we were doing on the phone.
It's now Thursday morning. I'm filing the paperwork tomorrow. I still don't know if it's going to be a voluntary service, or if I'm going to have to have him served.
Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day. I'm (hopefully) starting my divorce waiting period, signing up for my parenting class, and then going to my son's Thanksgiving play, where he is in the pivoting role of "Narrator #1". I'm quite sure it will be Tony-worthy.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Oh, to be a fly...
I don't know exactly what happened.
I know that T and D met and had dinner together. I know that D.'s intentions were to give T. the chance to ask him anything, to make him feel better about the fact that his children were going to be around another man. I know that D. also made it pretty clear that the driving by my house (a.k.a. stalking) has to stop, and that it was making me uncomfortable. I know that T. did his usual thing and wasn't totally honest. He told D. that I asked him to run his name or check him out through the P.D. (Hello? If that was the case, why would I not give him his full name???) He told D. that he never cheated on me (but even D. could tell he was lying on that one). I know that T. asked D. more personal questions than he should have.
I don't know what the results are going to be. I just hope that things can move quietly forward. This afternoon, I'm meeting with a "Certified Document Preparer" to go through my divorce packet and make sure it's complete and ready to go. I want to get it done and over with.
Time to move forward.
I know that T and D met and had dinner together. I know that D.'s intentions were to give T. the chance to ask him anything, to make him feel better about the fact that his children were going to be around another man. I know that D. also made it pretty clear that the driving by my house (a.k.a. stalking) has to stop, and that it was making me uncomfortable. I know that T. did his usual thing and wasn't totally honest. He told D. that I asked him to run his name or check him out through the P.D. (Hello? If that was the case, why would I not give him his full name???) He told D. that he never cheated on me (but even D. could tell he was lying on that one). I know that T. asked D. more personal questions than he should have.
I don't know what the results are going to be. I just hope that things can move quietly forward. This afternoon, I'm meeting with a "Certified Document Preparer" to go through my divorce packet and make sure it's complete and ready to go. I want to get it done and over with.
Time to move forward.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
WTF?
What happened to my nice peaceful life?
Yesterday I was in a great mood. I was a little tired, but I was happy. During the course of the day, I got some very sweet text messages, got to give my hard-working employees some really good news, got to hear about a new account at work that's got the potential to be HUGE, and picked up my gorgeous (although very dirty) kids from day camp. (No school - Veterans Day).
The kids wanted to invite D over for dinner, for one of their favorite meals (a really quick soup that we make together), so we had a very nice evening, with soup, salad, bread, and fruit, nice conversations, and hugs and kisses before bed.
Then the shit hit the fan.
Ok, so that might have been when it hit, but we didn't really know it until later.
D and I hung out for a while last night, and fell asleep for a little while. At 10:30, D went to leave and I walked him to the door. My phone had a little red light on it, and there was a text message waiting for me. It said: "S's book is on the bench as are the gold dollars. Thank you for slowing things down. Spare me the only over for ten minutes speech. We need to talk!"
Ok, so let's break this down, shall we?
S's book is on the bench as are the gold dollars.
Around 8:00 last night, T decided to "swing by" the house to drop off our son's library book and a few golden dollars (tooth fairy money - we're getting close). He saw D's truck.
Thank you for slowing things down.
I didn't say that I was slowing things down. When meeting with T to go over our divorce packet, I asked him if there was anything I could do to make this easier on him. I was told things were moving too fast for him (not just the divorce, but my relationship too.)
Spare me the only over for ten minutes speech.
I told him that D sometimes came over after the kids fell asleep, but it started out as 10 - 15 minutes, just to say good-night and sometimes pick up some leftovers for lunch. I didn't tell him that was still the case. However. the fact that he knew that D was there for more than 10 minutes means he has now started WATCHING my house.
Apparently, he wasn't watching the house, but he came *back* by the house after going to Wal-Mart.
Anyway, there were several long converations on the phone. Me and T. Me and D. and yes, then D. and T.
Tonight should prove to be entertaining yet again. T and D are meeting for coffee to talk.
Speaking of coffee...
Yesterday I was in a great mood. I was a little tired, but I was happy. During the course of the day, I got some very sweet text messages, got to give my hard-working employees some really good news, got to hear about a new account at work that's got the potential to be HUGE, and picked up my gorgeous (although very dirty) kids from day camp. (No school - Veterans Day).
The kids wanted to invite D over for dinner, for one of their favorite meals (a really quick soup that we make together), so we had a very nice evening, with soup, salad, bread, and fruit, nice conversations, and hugs and kisses before bed.
Then the shit hit the fan.
Ok, so that might have been when it hit, but we didn't really know it until later.
D and I hung out for a while last night, and fell asleep for a little while. At 10:30, D went to leave and I walked him to the door. My phone had a little red light on it, and there was a text message waiting for me. It said: "S's book is on the bench as are the gold dollars. Thank you for slowing things down. Spare me the only over for ten minutes speech. We need to talk!"
Ok, so let's break this down, shall we?
S's book is on the bench as are the gold dollars.
Around 8:00 last night, T decided to "swing by" the house to drop off our son's library book and a few golden dollars (tooth fairy money - we're getting close). He saw D's truck.
Thank you for slowing things down.
I didn't say that I was slowing things down. When meeting with T to go over our divorce packet, I asked him if there was anything I could do to make this easier on him. I was told things were moving too fast for him (not just the divorce, but my relationship too.)
Spare me the only over for ten minutes speech.
I told him that D sometimes came over after the kids fell asleep, but it started out as 10 - 15 minutes, just to say good-night and sometimes pick up some leftovers for lunch. I didn't tell him that was still the case. However. the fact that he knew that D was there for more than 10 minutes means he has now started WATCHING my house.
Apparently, he wasn't watching the house, but he came *back* by the house after going to Wal-Mart.
Anyway, there were several long converations on the phone. Me and T. Me and D. and yes, then D. and T.
Tonight should prove to be entertaining yet again. T and D are meeting for coffee to talk.
Speaking of coffee...
Friday, November 2, 2007
1 vs. 100
No, not the game show.
Here is my question for today. Why is it that you can get married by filling out one simple form, but in order to get divorced you get a 3 pound packet of paperwork to complete?
I picked up this packet a couple of days ago, and I've done a little work on it daily since, but I've barely made a dent. This this is so huge, so daunting - is that the idea? Make sure they *really* want it by burying them in paperwork?
The good news, is that I did tell T that I picked up the packet, and hoped that once I got through as much of it as possible, we'd be able to sit down and go through the rest. I'm hopeful that we can be friendly enough and stick to the agreements we had in place. Unfortunately, I'm seeing friends of mine, in various stages of divorce, finding that things didn't go the way they had planned.
Keep good thoughts in your head for me, and I'll keep Neosporin and band-aids around for all those paper cuts I'm sure to earn.
Here is my question for today. Why is it that you can get married by filling out one simple form, but in order to get divorced you get a 3 pound packet of paperwork to complete?
I picked up this packet a couple of days ago, and I've done a little work on it daily since, but I've barely made a dent. This this is so huge, so daunting - is that the idea? Make sure they *really* want it by burying them in paperwork?
The good news, is that I did tell T that I picked up the packet, and hoped that once I got through as much of it as possible, we'd be able to sit down and go through the rest. I'm hopeful that we can be friendly enough and stick to the agreements we had in place. Unfortunately, I'm seeing friends of mine, in various stages of divorce, finding that things didn't go the way they had planned.
Keep good thoughts in your head for me, and I'll keep Neosporin and band-aids around for all those paper cuts I'm sure to earn.
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