It's Been A While.

I have returned!

Where have I been? At the annual Tucson Gem and Bead Show. This is nothing like any other trade show in the world. (This statement is based both on my own observations as well as what I hear from everyone else.)

With most trade shows, there's a convention center and all the relevant vendors set up and hawk their wares.

In Tucson, in February, there is something like 35 shows going on simultaneously. Oh sure, there's one at the convention center. There's another one at every major (and minor) hotel and resort in the city. As you drive down the freeway, you see miles and miles of white tents. All of them have hundreds of vendors with strands of semi-precious, fine gems, finished jewelry, baskets of silver, etc., etc., etc.

I'm there for a week every year, meeting my clients, selling my company. I enjoy it, I like the face to face contact with the names I know, but by the end of the week, I'm Jonesing pretty bad for those babies of mine.

This year, there was another dimension added into the mix. I never missed T when I travelled - NEVER. However, this year, D was back home, and I was missing him, too.

So what happens when I get back? I rush through the stuff I *had* to get done, and run over to the after-school care to see my kids. I missed them so much! Neither of them wanted to leave yet. Neither of them wanted to stop what they were doing when I got there. I had to practically beg for hugs and kisses.

No worries, though, my son told me later that he hugged the van, because he missed it.

What's the difference...

What is the difference between still and stagnant? Who gets to make that decision?

In our careers, some of us will stay in the same position for years. Is this still or stagnant? I'm not a sit still kind of person (I think we've established that). For years, I defined myself as a professional Swooper. I would come into a work situation - swoop in - solve whatever major problems they had been facing, reorganize, rethink, improve, and swoop out again. I know this makes me sound like I'm very high on myself. I don't think it was any given gift I posessed - but more of a set of fresh eyes, a willingness to try something new, and a bigger willingness to be wrong if it didn't work. For several years, I worked for an outsourcing company - that means that someone else hired us to run their technical support - in that time I did a lot of swooping. I was never bored. I was always busy. I moved, I travelled, I did anything the company wanted me too. Of course, at the time, I was single and childless. But I was never stagnant - nor still.

Now I get up and come to the same place every day, and have for just over four years. There are minor skirmishes to deal with. Small new projects to tackle. However, most of these I'm making up for myself. When I first got here, there was a lot of clean-up that needed to be done - there were areas that had to be completely reviewed. There probably still are - but not with the same level of urgency or excitement. I'm not in the same role I was in when I walked in the door - so I'm not still. Why do I feel stagnant?

In another world, another life, I'd probably be looking for something else right now. In another world, another life, I'd probably be looking for something else in other states, right now. However, in this world, this life, I have different responsibilities. To a home, to my children. Those things are never stagnant, but must keep me still.

Motivation and Rewards

I'm obsessed with rewards right now. I believe that they work well, and I'd much rather reward for good behavior than punish for bad behavior.

However, while I'm pretty good at coming up with rewards for everyone else - I find that I can't self-motivate with rewards. The main reason is that all the things I can think of require money, and I just don't have any. I'm trying so hard to be fiscally responsible, even though I've got those pretty little plastic cards calling my name. There are books I want, toes to be painted, restaurants to try - but I'm tempered by the lack of actual cash in my checking account. Damn It!

I Have A Serious Problem

Here it is in a nice, encapsulated statement: I don't want to be at home, and I don't want to be at work.

Ok, so now what? According to all the 12 step programs I'm familiar with, admitting you have a problem is the first step. Would someone please tell me what the second one is?

OK, you all already know the overview on the home life, so I'll start with work.

Last Friday things went Kablooie. One of the three team managers that worked for me resigned. She offered to work her two week's notice, but I generally make it a practice to not do that - I figure two weeks of a "what are you going to do - fire me?" attitude causes more harm than the good that is reaped from having someone there for two weeks to show you where the spreadsheet that shows people's birthdays is.

So, there was a semi-panicked meeting. I say semi-panicked, because a contingency plan was already created. We decided to restructure, putting one manager where there once was two, and offering the third manager a non-management role. She declined - so I lost another person.

So, as of Monday, I'm now doing my job, plus the job of the manager that was moved to the newly created department. On Monday it was pure chaos - moving office, computers, phones, training for the moved manager, training for me on the details of her old role... well, you get the idea.

I think it's a lot to ask - to ask me to continue to do my full-time job, and now also do another full-time job. All in the same amount of full-time. Of course, I'm going on vacation, so I have to also train my boss to do the details of what I do, so that there's coverage when I'm gone.

All of these things are reasonable requests, I've been through lean times. Here's the problem - I don't like coming in anymore. In addition to being concerned about the work load, I was given a lecture on Monday morning about not being friends with people that work for me. I understand that from a business perspective, I do. However, when the lecture includes that I handled everything perfectly, that I obviously didn't let friendships interfere with my decisions, that I've done amazing things for this company for the last 3 years, but ... I heard, you did everything right, now don't do that again.

I don't have a lot of friends to begin with, and to be told that I can't socialize with pretty much every person I know in town - why bother? I LIKE these people, that's why I liked coming to my job. I'd probably be better off finding another job and keeping these people as friends... in any other city, I'd say that would be easier - but jobs that will pay my bills are hard to come by around here.

This is a pretty rambling, venting kind of entry, I apologize for it, but you might need this info to keep up in the saga.

Work and Pee

Sure, at first glance those two things have very little in common. Well, that is, I guess, unless you work in a clinical environment or for one of those fetish websites. I digress...

For me - what do work and pee have in common? Their ability to prevent a restful sleep.

It was a bad day at the office yesterday. Despite my reputation as a heinous bitch, I really don't like the part of my job that requires I deal with behavioral employment issues. Yesterday, there was not one, but two meetings of this nature. They're emotional, they're difficult, and the aftermath usually takes a few days to settle down. I have actually found that terminating an employee is less stressful than keeping one, but having to take other disciplinary action. Surprisingly, most of the time what I hear when I fire someone is "OK". When they get a written warning, with the notification that termination would be inevitable if the behavior occurs again, I get a (usually impressive) list of excuses, tears, denials, etc.

I have a pretty hard (and tasty candy) shell, but I really don't like being the bad guy. I don't like being disliked. I don't like making people feel bad. However, I do believe in honesty. I believe that the point of counseling sessions are to clear the air, recognize why the behavior was unacceptable, and make it clear what my expectations are.

Anyway, yesterday's meetings were tough and did not have the kind of resolution I was hoping for. I wanted it to be done and over, and we'd all move on. The stress of the situation, the metal replay (in super slo-mo, of course), and the concerns of the aftermath all contributed to a restless night.

The other part of the sleeplessness was, as mentioned, pee.

I made it very clear to my daughter at dinner that I wanted her to stay in her own bed all night. She did. My son, however peed his bed, and came to me in tears at 3:00 this morning. Not wanting to lose any sleep that I might have gotten by getting up and doing laundry, this time I had the larger child in the bed. He's a little better bed partner, as he only went horizontal once - the rest of the time, he'd flip and flop from side to side, still waking up the lightest sleeper known to human-kind (me), but at least the bruising is minimal.

So I ask that you wish me a restful and urine free night tonight. I could use a solid night of sleep.

Mental Wrestling

Just taking a quick break from trying to work out a problem to ask - what is your preferred method of mental wrestling?

I'm a numbers gal - I'll figure out the Return on an Investment (ROI) in a heartbeat. I can conjure up reports quicker than Samantha could save Darren's neck (and I don't even have to wiggle my nose to do it). However, when it comes to factoring the PEOPLE side of it - I get stuck. I know what I need to do from a financial, business, and self-preservation focus, but when it starts to involve someone else's livelihood - I get stymied.

So - what do you do?

Mondays

Do you think Monday's would be less challenging if we didn't have two "days off" before them?

It's early yet, and the challenges I'm going to need to face today are already overwhelming the opportunities to work on longer-term goals and projects.

In the deep, dark recesses of my mental attic, behind the smell of my grandmother, behind the memories of being a low grade childhood thief, I have a secret fantasy. To not have a job that requires me to have any responsibility. With responsibility comes all kinds of heavy weights. Many years ago I had a job in an answering service. The phone rang, I answered it. I took a message. Done. The phone would ring again, I'd repeat the process. It was easy, it was light, at the end of my shift the job was done. The work didn't continue to trail behind me like a Designer Impostor perfume. Now, I finish one thing, and there are ripples of aftermath to wade through. I go home, and there are still remnants of work clinging to my clothes.

This fantasy, however, is short-lived and then I get back to work and realize that I love challenges. I want to make things better. I want to be the work equivalent to a superhero - find a problem swoop in (superheroes always get to swoop) and save the day. There wasn't a whole lot of swooping opportunities at the answering service.

Well, time to wonder about a simpler life is done - I've got work to do.

Grown Up Jobs

Here's the thing - I don't consider myself a grown-up. Well, I do in that I allow myself to eat ice cream for dinner (as long as nobody's watching), and I enjoy an adult beverage occasionally, but I'm still trying to figure out what I want to BE when I grow up.

I had a conversation along these lines with a friend a couple of weeks ago. When do we become "grown-ups"? It occurs to me, that a lot of people (myself included) define themselves in big part by what they do.

Now, I have a real job with real responsibilities and they pay me money and everything. However, I don't have a real job title - you know the ones that meant something when we were kids. I am a General Manager - yeah, so? I was a "manager" right out of high school. Don't get me wrong - on most days I like my job, but it doesn't sound like a grown-up job. People I know have grown-up sounding jobs. My high school boyfriend is an author - published several books, even works on documentaries - now that's a grown-up job. Another woman I went to high school with is a Professor of Archeology - another grown-up job.

My two oldest and dearest friends are both not-so-stay-at-home moms. I admire them more than I can say - and when I hear about the involvement they get to have with their children, I turn green. They both do work with their children's schools - they do fund-raising - they get to be so much more a part of their children's lives than I ever will. They probably have the toughest and most grown-up jobs there are - but I can't do it.

My family is dependent on my salary. T works (in fact - just got back on full-time, yeah) but it's my salary that pays the mortgage, the bills, and puts groceries on the table. So, I guess that's pretty grown-up, too, but not in a good - ice cream for dinner - make old friends jealous of how far you've come - kind of way.