Wednesdays

I hate Wednesday mornings, but I love Wednesday evenings. How is this possible?

Wednesday morning is the last morning I have with my kids before they go to dad's house for a couple of days. Well, unless, of course, he's asked me to take them extra (which is pretty much a weekly thing).

My last kid hug for the duration happens on the sidewalk in front of the school. My last kiss is one that is pretty quick, after all there are friends to be played with. My last hug is bumpy with books and morning snacks. My last "I love you" is returned as they go flying down the sidewalk to play.

Then I go to work. There are no kisses, no hugs, no "I love you"s - well, ok, sometimes there are, but usually only if an employee wants something.

However, on Wednesday night, there's a transition. Now it's just me and D. An adult evening, where language isn't censored, where kissing is not followed by a pipsqueak voice saying "That's Disgustin'!"

This week's Wednesday will be spent keeping one eye on the Sundogs score, as they play game 3 in the cup finals in Colorado. Hopefully, the other one will be closed - after all it's kind of rude to keep your eyes open when kissing, isn't it?

Once Again

Time has gotten away from me and I haven't posted. Maybe it's less about having the time to write this, as it is having the time to stop and look around long enough to have anything worthy *to* post.

I had plenty of time yesterday. My son stayed home from school for the first time. I spent the day with him, in mellow activities (nope, no TV - was never even turned on!) I felt like a real mom - something that I don't get too often.

By real mom, I mean one that's there all day long. Now I know that there are all kinds of parents in the world, and I do what I think is my best for my kids. But, I have to work. I have to get them up early every morning (that they're with me) so that I can take them to before-school care and be at work by 7:30. After school they take the bus to after-school care, because school is out at 2:45, and I can't pick them up until about 5:20. By the time we get home, bathed, homework done, and dinner eaten - it's bedtime, and the routine has to start again.

Not yesterday. S woke up with a headache and a fever, so some Tylenol for him, and a relaxing morning for all three of us (once the requisite calls were made to get someone else to open the building for me at work). The kids sat and ate breakfast together. We took A to school just in time for her to have some time to relax and get adjusted to class, but not be so early the school looks closed.

During the course of the day, S and I read, talked about math, science, his upcoming birthday, etc. I was amazed at how much he knows already. He spent hours on my lap, and others self-entertained. At 2:30, he and I left to walk to his school to pick up his sister. (No after-school care today, either!) The three of us walked home, I gave the kids a healthy afternoon snack (grapes for one, strawberries for the other), the kids played, read, (still no TV), and eventually earned some computer time. I made dinner, did laundry, met with the insurance adjuster (groan - another day for that story).

I did nothing amazing. Nothing out of the ordinary - so why did I feel like such a super-hero?

Once again I'm both jealous and amazed at my friends M and J, who knew this feeling all along and chose to be real moms to their kids.

Birthday Party

I am frantically trying to figure out what to do for my son's birthday. Normally, I would plan a party months in advance, have it at my house, make WAYYYY too much food, have some games, some great prizes, and invite too many kids to come.

Well, this year, time got away from me. I have nothing planned.

I could still do a party at my house, but I don't want to. This party should prove to be very stressfull, and I don't want it at my house. I must include T. I must include T's parents. My parents will be in town. I choose to include D. I choose to includ D's parents (and sister and brother - who my kids just idolize). I choose to include D's daughter. I choose to include my friends.

Are you doing the math here? An ex set of in-laws, complete with ex-husband as well as my parents in the same location for any length of time is going to be enough to turn me into a creature that will resemble something out of mythical lore. The last thing I want to do is to do it in my house.

My house is my home, my santuary. Although there are occassional arguments that occur, my house is a place of peace and love. My house is the place where I get to watch my children learn and where they get to teach me valuable lessons. My home is where I get to spend quiet time with people I love. I don't want T. coming into my house and acting like a host. I don't want T. leading his parents around, talking to my friends, showing people where the bathroom is, and acting like he lives there. My house is where my family lives, and T and I haven't been family for many, many years.

So back to square one... what am I going to do for this birthday party???

Sitting Around

I am not very good at it. Let's face it - I suck at sitting around.

Why?

Why do I always feel like there is something demanding my attention, and that it has to be dealt with? Oh sure, there's always something to do - don't get me wrong - but it will still be there the next minute, hour, day, right?

I get home from work, and I'm immediately on the go - between laundry, cleaning, other household chores, homework, food prep, consumption and clean-up, until I give myself permission to go to bed, the only down time I have is reserved for a bath.

Tonight, I'm taking a small break from all that and am going to have dinner with a friend. She, who shall remain nameless, as she is feeling quite guilty for forgetting my birthday a couple of weeks back, and I will enjoy a meal that someone else will prepare, someone else will clean up after, and I will also get the added benefit of knowing that someone else is paying for it, too.

Of course, that nice meal will have to wait until my 9 1/2 hour work day is done, the errands I need to run after work are completed, I regain ownership of Vinnie who is having his DVD player replaced, and... damn... here I go again!

New Year's

Ok, to continue the highlights from the last couple of weeks.

On the last Friday of the old year, I piled the kids in the car and we headed down to Phoenix to pick up D's daughter. From that moment on, the three kids didn't want to be apart. They had their slight squirmishes, but for the most part, they played games, ate, slept, and pretty much hung out in various combinations.

Oh, there was one other thing to keep in mind - both D and I were sick! (This is the cold that WILL NOT DIE!) So with slightly limited reserves, we were able to keep the three kids entertained, well fed, and happy for the four days we had together.

On New Year's Eve we headed over to TGD's house. Throw some more kids, more food, and noisemakers into the mix (Seriously, woman - did we need those FREAKIN' HORNS????), and the kids and grown-ups both spent some time celebrating. At 11:00 we called it "Kid New Year" and poured the cider. After that, D and I bundled our crew back in the car and headed home. Kids were in bed, I'd had a quick bath, more cider poured (and a glass of wine for me) and D and I were on the couch with 30 seconds to spare. A perfect way to bring in the new year.

I used to love New Year's Eve. To me, it was the perfect call of "Do-Over!". I have to say, however, that this was the first one in many years, that I felt optimistic of what was to come.

Oh yeah, and as for today, can we just ignore it?

Where Have I Been?

Nowhere.

It's true. I have no decent excuses for not updating this Blog. My winter break came and went. Christmas came and went. New Year's came and went. My birthday looms (WAY, WAY too close).

I had a week and a half off of work. However, this was the year of the 30 minute vacation. I did get things done that needed to be done, but it never felt like I was on vacation. Between running errands, cleaning, cooking, laundry, doctor's appointments, kid stuff, work stuff (yes, even on vacation), it seems like I got my "time off" here and there - 20 minutes to read. 45 minutes to play a game. The time flew by.

Christmas with my closest was lovely. Being the nice guy that I am, I let T take the kids on Christmas eve, even though it was my day. However, I made it very clear that they were sleeping at *my* house, as Santa was coming there. The kids were nestled all snug in their beds, and that's when it hit me. The holiday skippies. I bounced around the living room, filling stockings, putting presents under the tree, scarfing down overly decorated cookies and ruthlessly chomping carrots. (The milk was left for D to drink - blech!)

The kids didn't wake up fast enough for the grown ups - who ever heard of such a thing??? so they were awakened with a whispered "Santa was here..." and out they bounded - paper was flying, stockings were emptied, items looked at and quickly discarded - however, all was well received (ok, maybe not the clothes or D's tupperware, but you know how that goes...)

A day or two later and the munchkins were returned to their father for a couple of nights.

The following Friday began the New Year's Weekend festivities, with one more child, twice as much fun, and lots more noise.

I'll think I'll save those stories for tomorrow. That way I can avoid thinking about the other thing that tomorrow brings...

In The News

My gorgeous boy was in the newspaper yesterday.

There is a tradition of the Principal of the elementary school reading each class a story on the day they trim the school's Christmas tree. However, this new principal likes to sing. So instead of reading a story, he sang to each class.

In the small town where we live, this is newsworthy. Ok, so it's 7th page of the 2nd section newsworthy, but newsworthy none-the-less.

A picture of the principal singing to some 1st graders was featured, and lo and behold, there was the most gorgeous MIT (man in training) I've ever seen. Should I be concerned that he appeared to be checking out the blonde sitting across from him rather than listening to the music?

Actually, the part I was more concerned about was that the principal sang the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause", which is actually one of my favorite Christmas songs ever. BUT (there's always a but isn't there?) is this the best song for this audience? How many of these kids are from broken homes where the only man momma is kissing is someone other than their father? (mine included) What about the fact that our children are growing up so much faster, questioning so much sooner, there is already doubt in my son that the Tooth Fairy is real - and he's questioning Santa, too.

So, in my typically over-analytical mind... Momma is either kissing some other man, who is in fact Santa, so momma is cheating... or momma isn't cheating, but then who the heck is Santa?

Aw, hell, who cares? My little boy is famous!

How Do You Define Happy?

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. What a crappy way to live.

I'm happy at the moment. My career isn't changing, but my company is busy and I have plenty of things to do at work. My kids are having their daily challenges, but I'm able to really see what great people they are turning into, with good values, quick brains, and open hearts. My home is a mess, but it's being appraised this afternoon, which is the last step (I believe) before it is refinanced in my name only, and truly becomes *my* house. My personal life is going well, with a man that I truly care for, even though we hit our rocky patches occassionally. (How can you not when one of you is fighting for custody and the other is going through a divorce?)

In writing this down, I've realized that I'm not being my usual overly Pollyanna self, that I'm seeing things realistically, but am still waiting. I'm waiting for my job to bore me again, my kids to get bratty, my home to need expensive repair, my personal life to fall apart, and my ex-husband to decide to fight me on the terms of our divorce.

Does anyone have the abilities to really live in the moment? To look around and say, "Yep - this is all I need" without looking for the pitfalls ahead? Can that be bottled?

Where does it all come from?

I'm starting to believe in elves. Not necessarily the kind that come in and make shoes, spin straw into gold or even the kind that help out Santa. I'm convinced, however, that there are mean little people somewhere - that sneak into my house and make piles of laundry.

How else can one woman and two children go through so many clothes? Yesterday, inbetween making dinner, dessert, going out for lunch, playing with the kids at their school, overseeing homework and cleaning a bathroom - I managed to do four loads of laundry. Sure, you'd think I was done, now, right? Nope. I still need to run the kids clothes tonight, and I didn't even tackle any of the sheets or towels yet!

Personally, I think if the Elves can come in and make laundry - there should be Sprites that come along and wash it (and dry it, put it away, etc.) and while they are at it - they should clean the other bathroom, too!

I Should Have Been..

I should have been an Italian Grandmother.

Why do I always want to feed people? My mom wasn't the greatest cook. She could cook when she wanted to, she just never wanted to. My grandmother (on my father's side) was a good cook - but she could only make a handful of things. I knew that on every trip, I'd get her chicken salad, her sweet & sour meatballs, and her chicken soup. My grandmother on my mothers side, must not have been much of a cook at all, I can't remember ever eating anything other than breakfast at her apartment.

So, where does my need to cook for other people come in?

As I write this, I've got glazed pecans wrapped up and ready to go, mushroom-pastry puffs cooling down and orange merringue cookies in the oven. This is all to take to a party, where I am a guest.

Tomorrow, I've invited people for dinner - I don't know how many yet are coming, but at this point, there is going to be somewhere between 6 - 9 people for dinner. Only three live here.

I am never more at ease then when I'm cooking, unless it's after the first tase test, and I know that people are enjoying it. I think that's the key, I only like to cook for people who appreciate it. They get nourishment from my food, I get nourishment from their compliments and yummy noises.

Once upon a time, I considered making food my career. I changed my mind when I realized that it took what I loved to do for me, cooking, and turned it into work. Maybe I missed my calling, maybe I could have been the next Gordon Ramsey. Nah... I'll stick with what I do - make people tasty, healthy, meals and snacks.

Maybe one of my kids will pick it up from there... then I can sit back and make yummy noises.

Flying Time

I know we've all heard that "Time Flies When You're Having Fun" - but who knew that the secret to making time pass was a separation?

Seriously, I can't keep up with *how* fast time is swooshing past me. I don't know if it's because my weeks are now divided into two chunks - the "with kids" chunk and "without kids" chunk. Maybe it's because I have so much more stuff to do that I just don't have time to look at a clock? Maybe it's because I'm feeling good and energetic and using every minute I've got.

All I do know is that today is Wednesday, and I sent my kids off to school this morning, knowing that I won't see them again until Saturday. It's getting easier to do this, but I still don't really look forward to Wednesday mornings. Wednesday evening is usually spent on a trip to the library, a visit at a friends' house, some housekeeping at home. This week, Thursday evening will be another visit at a different friends house. Friday evening will be some girly time, and Saturday is pretty much booked up with errands, soccer games, and kid-prep work, since they come home again on Saturday evening.

See what I mean? In a blink of an eye it's going to be Sunday again.

Weekend

Ok, if I was up for the "Supermom" title before - I should clinch it this weekend!

The kids have had a really good first month at school. In the early years of grammar, school they do an active progressive discipline, where the child has to move a clothespin, or another marker if they don't follow the rules. They start out on a light color and move up - in Kindegarten there are 4 stages; white is good, yellow is a warning, blue is a time out, and red is parent notification). In 1st grade, they follow the traffic signal - green is good, yellow is a warning, and red is trouble!

Well, for the first month of school, my little angels have stayed on white and green - so it was time for a reward!

I got the kids back from their father on Saturday evening, and we had a nice, quiet evening in. On Sunday we were up bright and early, and off to pick up a friend. Then down to Tempe where we headed to a splash park. The one we had intended to go to was already closed for the season, but there was a smaller alternative. It was basically a playground with fountains and sprayers so the kids ran around playing, and doing their best to soak their momma. (Successfully, I might add).

From there we went to Chuck E. Cheese - for a few hours of entertainment and crappy pizza. By the end of the day, the grown-ups were worn out, and probably the kids, too, but it's harder to tell with them!

We got back into town in the mid afternoon, and after about an hour of play, I made dinner (yep, all food groups once again present and accounted for) and then we did a little craft project together.

Bedtime for the munchkins was a special treat, as I let them sleep in the same room - something they ask for all the time, but since it usually means a really late night, we don't so it often. However, I figured after the day they had - they wouldn't have the energy to stay up late!

This morning, we were up at at 'em early - as of this time (10:45) we've had baths, eaten breakfast, gone to the grocery store, and made dinner (the kids did most of the work (or so they like to think) but we've got chicken and veggies in the slow-cooker for later). In about 15 minutes, we're heading out for lunch and a movie, then back to finish our housework and homework, and then... (and here is where the gold medal supermom award comes in...)

We will have dinner. With their father. Yep. I am either an amazing parent or freakin' insane, but either way, T will be coming over for dinner. It was so hard for me not to see the kids for 2 days, that I can't imagine how T can do it for 3 - so I'm being a nice guy and letting him come have dinner with the kids and I.

So, keep fingers crossed for me... wish me a night of peace.

Beautiful

A conversation with my daughter last night:

Me: You're my beautiful girl, you know that?
A: But I'm not wearing my beautiful dress!
Me: But you're beautiful on the inside. In your heart, in your mind.
A: You can see my heart?
Me: Absolutely! When you paint me a picture, when you give me a hug, when you help me or your brother, when you want to make people feel better, when you cry because someone else is sad. I can see how beautiful your heart is all those times.

She didn't understand me, but if it sunk in on any level, that's one more point on my "Super-Mom" chart.

(Oh, the other points I earned yesterday were for feeding my children dinner with both a fruit AND a veggie, while mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, and cleaning - all before 7:00PM after a 9 1/2 hour day at the office)

What to Say?

My good friend was on my case last night for not having updated my Blog. When I told her that I didn't have anything to say lately, she said, "But you're going through a separation, you're painting your bathroom..."

Then I realized. I still have nothing to say. The drama is gone. I don't have witty anecdotes about how brainless men can be, because I don't have to deal with it! The most dramatic thing I've got going on at home right now is the 10 minutes of panic every morning trying to get my children dressed, brushed (teeth and hair), sunblocked, and bug sprayed, and into the car by 7:15.

I'm sure as I crawl out of my comfort zone and stick my neck out again, there will be more drama. As happy as I am in my anti-social world at the moment, I know that won't last. I'm going to want to actually LEAVE my house eventually, and when that happens I'll have plenty to say. I'm already getting asked if I'm going to start dating, and why don't I put up a personal, etc., etc., etc.

In the meantime, I will make an effort to put something up on this page - and I'll even give it an effort to be entertaining. You all like watching paint dry, right?

Go Army!

Remember that slogan the Army used to use for recruiting? How they did more before 8AM than most people did all day? With all due respect to those that serve(d) in the armed forces, they ain't got shit on a single mom with a full-time job!

Ok, so technically I'm not a single mom - but I am 4 days a week. Here's a summary of what I did yesterday:

Up bright and early, ran laundry (child had an accident), put away clothes in the dryer from the night before, vacuumed living room floor, ensured children were dressed in clean, semi-color matching clothes, with brushed teeth and hair, sunblocked said children, dropped them off to before-school care, went to work. Put in a good 9 1/2 hour day, pick up children from after-school care, get them home, bathed (complete with hair washing), made them a semi-healthy dinner (hey, MOST food groups were represented), then turned them over to a friend for an hour while I went to their school for parent's night, as well as to pick up all the soccer gear and forms for T, who volunteered to coach S's team. (Please note: *I* didn't volunteer, but I'm the one picking this stuff up, signing forms, choosing a practice field and day, etc.) Get home from the school, and say goodnight to one child, thank the friend/babysitter, play with the other child until his bedtime, then get him in bed. Then I was allowed to have dinner myself (three cheers for leftovers!) After that, I did some more cleaning, more laundry, and vacuumed my bedroom. Around 10:30 I went to bed.

Of course, being a sorta single mom - going to bed does not necessarily mean the end of the day! I had one child with a bad dream, one with a radio issue, one with shadows moving in her room, and one needed a Kleenex and couldn't find one. Yes, I know I only have two children.

This morning the routine starts all over again with the need to run the washing machine - *again* (Damn cat and her hairballs!), and all the rest...

Go Army - Let's See You Beat That!

Weekends Are Different Now

Well, this was the first weekend that included a custody transfer. T actually moved out a couple of weeks ago, but I took the kids out of town so this was the first time we actually had to do a kid exchange. It went amazingly well.

There was a little bit of fussing - but it was over a Lunchable. Of course, T, being the gentleman that he is, has to make sure that even though the kids aren't complaining in front of me, they were fussing about coming back to the house while in the car. I seriously think he thinks that it's a compliment to him, and an insult to me when the kids fuss about coming back to my house. He doesn't realize that it happens in the other direction, cuz I don't tell 'im!

After the exchange - I took the kids bowling with a friend, and they had a great time. They have already declared that they want to do that AGAIN next weekend.

As for me? I spent the rest of my weekend reclaiming my house. I emptied and reorgainzed cabinets, drawers, closets, etc. Moved furniture (all by myself, I'll have you know), changed the look and feel of the living room, playroom (and am working on my bedroom) - The kids loved the changes and said that the house looked really different, and that they were going to try to help keep it clean. (We'll see...)

By the end of the weekend, I was tired, sore and aching... and thrilled.

Born Again

No, not in a religious way.

It feels like I've got a newborn in the house again. S is sick. Has been sick since Sunday - and is currently unable to sleep through the night. When we were flying home, A was sick, and I just assumed this was the same thing, but now I'm not so sure.

A had a fever, and a slightly upset stomach (threw up once - in the airport - lovely), but the Tylenol always worked, and she was fine after 3 days. S is still running a fever. Or is running a fever again. I'm not sure.

For the last two nights, I haven't slept more than an hour and a half at a stretch. That's probably why this Blog entry is lacking it's usual wit and spark.

Monday night we had our first real storm of the monsoon season. So, between the thunder and lightening, the power outage, the screaming child (afraid of the power outage), the sick child (ok, same child, but different issue), the howling dog, and the fact that a flea fart can wake me up - I didn't sleep much.

Last night, the sick child went to sleep - I woke him up around 9:30 to give him some more medicine, to hopefully get him through the night. I went to sleep around 11. He was up at 12:15 - his clothes had been soaked through because he broke the fever, so he climbed into bed with me. At 1:00, the dog started barking, and by this point, S was getting stuffy again and kept trying to breathe through his nose, which made him frustrated and he'd whimper in his sleep. Since I had to get up to get the dog to quiet down, I crashed on the couch for a little while. Very little while. S needed water. Got him the water. Encouraged him to go to the bathroom, was denied. A little while later, I convinced him that his bed was dry - and wouldn't he like to sleep there? He went back to his own room, but needed something else around 4 - for some reason - I can't remember what. At 6:00 I heard him on the couch - snorting and whimpering again. The damn fever was back!

I tried to get him to eat a banana, he took a few bites, but that was it. He is drinking water though - a lot of water - so at least I know he's not dehydrated.

I get dressed, and run to Wally World to get some Tylenol plus Cold medicine - I wanted to help with the fever and the stuffy nose - and all I had for that was expired Children's Motrin Cold, which I didn't want to give him on his empty belly.

I get asked at Wal-Mart if I'm 18. Apparently, people are now getting high by drinking children's cold medicine. Ok, you all did get the part about me being asked if I was 18, right? Just checking.

I got back, medicated my kid, gathered my belongings and had to go wake T to take over. I want S to get to a doctor today, I think it's a sinus infection. (First thought was Strep - but the symptoms aren't quite right).

Oh, and did I mention that while looking for something to help my sick little boy, I stumbled across T's porn collection last night. Lovely.

Complaints and Observations

Section I
Complaints

Ok, so yesterday was a pretty long day. I have one employee (and friend) that's been seriously sick - she was the one I took to the ER the previous day. Partway through the day, another one of my team managers went home sick. One of the second manger's employees were out at a family funeral, and another one had a doctor's appointment scheduled for the afternoon. That meant being really short - and I was trying to be in several places at once. The day went fine - and we got everything done that needed to be done. That's all fine and dandy.

I needed to stay about 20 minutes late to get my final paperwork done - so I was out the door a bit later than normal. I really wasn't very concerned about it, since T was off yesterday and he had the kids at home. I expected a nice relaxing evening. Um...

On my way out the door I get a phone call - T lost his cell phone and has been looking for it everywhere. He couldn't find it, so he was going through the process of getting a new one. He was calling me from a payphone, at the local Safeway (wow - payphone - it's like from a lost language) - then he was going to go to the store to pick up the things on my list. (Don't get all excited - he wasn't doing me a favor - most of the stuff on the list was for the kids or himself - and out of 4 things I asked for - he got two of them right) Anyway...

I'm driving home from work and my phone rings again. It's my mother-in-law. She asks me "Does T know he lost his phone yet?" A very lovely woman found his phone, and scrolled through it - found the "mom" entry and called. She called me. When I got home, I called my mother-in-law, got the woman's phone number, called her, and arranged to come pick it up. I left a note on the door that said "Back Soon - Picking up your phone" and headed out again. I met the woman about 20 minutes later, got the phone and came home to find a note on my note. "Back Soon - Trying to cancel new phone". I haven't even made it into the house yet, when T and the kids pull up.

T's greeting to me: "Where was it?"
My response: "No, we are not going to start this conversation this way."
T: "OK, thank you. Where was it?"

I explained the story, and he went off to call the cell phone company. By this point it's about 6:30, and my son asks me, "What's for dinner?"

Ok, so yes, that's the point of this whole story. It's 1/2 an hour before bedtime, T was JUST at the grocery store, he's now locked himself away to deal with his phone - and the kids haven't eaten dinner. Did he pick up anything at the store that would have made a nice, healthy dinner? No. Did he plan on doing anything for the kids for dinner? No. He had spent the last 4 hours dragging them around to deal with his cell phone (which, we'll remember, I went and picked up). So I end up throwing something together for dinner for the kids that will at least meet 2 of the 4 food groups.

Now let's make sure the point here is clear. I totally understand the frustrations associated with losing something as important as a phone. I don't mind being the one to go pick it up, I thought I was doing him a favor. So, to summarize the complaints: 1) What takes him four hours to cancel a cell phone and order a new one? 2) If he HADN'T been dealing with this phone, would he have planned anything for dinner (answer, by the way is no. I'd get a phone call at 4:45 asking me what I wanted to do about dinner - based on EVERY OTHER day he's home and I'm not.) 3) What was he so worried about on the cell phone? He gets a ton of minutes that he doesn't use, and all the calls after 7 are free. There are no long distance fees. If this was me, I would have waited until I had access to a phone - and called my own number - see if someone answered it - worked on the replacement after giving a couple of hours for it to be found. Oh, and that would have worked, since this woman had the phone on - in case he did call!

This is a long rant over something that seems awfully petty. I'm not doing a really good job of explaining the big picture here. In simpler terms - I, once again, had to work a full day (plus extra) then come home to do everything there - even though my so called "partner" was home ALL day.

Section II
Observations

The television was never turned on in my presence yesterday. This is an amazing accomplishment. Usually, as soon as the kids are in bed, the TV is on. I'm usually working on other things, and the TV fades into a hum into the background for me - but T gets sucked in. It doesn't matter what it is - any show - seriously, ANY show and he's glued.

I was on the computer "chatting" with a couple of friends, I was downloading music onto Pepe from old CD's, I was to quote an old 80's song - "enjoying the silence". T would occasionally be in the same room, but mostly he'd go into the playroom so he could watch television.

When I went to bed, I almost turned the television on, and it occurred to me how much of a habit television has become. I didn't want to watch TV, I wanted to read - so why would I automatically reach to turn it on? Our habits are so ingrained we don't even realize what we're doing.

How much of our lives are lead by choice and how much is just the force of a habit?

The Weekend

I have so many things I want to talk about, but I think this first entry will serve as a "What I did on My Summer Vacation" type of entry. I'll leave the cerebral processes that went along with it for another day.


Friday evening: The usual. Fed children. Hosed them down. Made sure they're teeth weren't crusty. Made sure bladders had been emptied (oh yeah, I'm not making assumptions on that front for a while!), read stories, sent them to bed. Then I sat on the couch. And sat. Why this unusual gravity connection with my furniture? I was waiting. One of my marital pet peeves is that I have to be the one to bring up any concerns. To address the white elephant in the room - despite my begging each and every time that I'd like him to do it, he doesn't. So I tried again - and sat and waiting for him to bring up the issue that I had already brought up but had not been addressed for the past week. Do I need to say it? He didn't. So, of course, I did. I explained the same things I've been writing about. He defended, then accused. While we resolved, once again, nothing, it was one of the better conversations we'd had in over a month. I know I'm not the easiest person to live with. I know it. However, what people who work with me might be surprised to learn is that I only need two things (well, from an SO, that is). It's the same two things that I've said I've needed for the last several years. Not only do I not get these two things from my husband - he couldn't even tell me what they were. That was the lowest point, as far as I was concerned. Oh, what are they? I need communication and to feel important. Yeah, I know - it can be a lot to ask for. Please understand though, I don't mean I have to ALWAYS be the most important thing in his life - but it would be nice to be amongst the top three occasionally. OK, so like I said, we didn't come to any amazing revelations, but we at least cleared the tension for a while. Then we went to bed (yes, separately).

Saturday: Remember, that today is our wedding anniversary. I decided I wanted to go somewhere different and go geocaching. OK, time for a quick lesson on geocaching. When my dear friends, Melissa and Joe first told me about it, I didn't understand. I basically considered it a medium-high tech scavenger hunt. When they came to visit, and I went along on a "find" - I was hooked. This is why: Look around your city, town, whatever... how much is there that you didn't know about? What strange little finds are there, that someone else points out to you? Geocaching, to me, is about seeing my own town (or any others we visit) from another perspective. Here are some pictures of our geocaching adventures on Saturday:




This tree looks like it was struck by lightning. There was this amazing shape to the burned out section, and although it's now been chopped up, it's easy to put the story back together, by looking at the photo.

The geocache was hidden around here: What the heck was this doing in the middle of a beautiful wood, and how did it get here? Again, there's a story here - told by a silent, deserted, rusted out, shot-up, muscle car...

As we were leaving the area, we were lucky enough to find a few elk - we know that there had to be more in the area, but these were the ones who were less camera shy.











After geocaching we went on to have dinner. At one point, I turned to T, and said, if these guys (pointing to the children) weren't with us, this would be the saddest anniversary dinner ever.

After dinner we went to a nearby park to allow the kids to play, and mom had the camera in hand... this one is my favorite picture from the day, but I took quite a few great ones (if I say so myself).


Then finally, home to bed.

Pre-Wedding Jitters - Way Too Late

Well, I did it. I slept for an entire night (with the help of some Tylenol PM), with no children hopping into my bed. In fact, I didn't even see a child at all until about 6:45, by which time I'd already bathed and dressed myself.

So why don't I feel happy and bouncy?

I'm thinking it's this giant cloud that's following me around. I'm going to have to do something about my home life, and I don't wanna. So, I guess, do I really have to? I mean what's really wrong in having a roommate that you trust with your children? Of course, usually roommates pay for their share of the living space, but that's another gripe...

Tomorrow is our anniversary. I don't feel much like "celebrating" this marriage. That's pretty telling, isn't it?