Tuesday, May 29, 2007


That's "apathy" in Russian. I couldn't think of a catchy title.

Here's my dilemma lately: I'm apathetic. I'm so worn out from fighting that I just don't have it in me anymore. I can't help but wonder what I'm fighting for?

Anyone who knows me, and even if you don't, but you've been reading this Blog, knows that my marriage is not what anyone would call ideal.

Here's the problem - there's nothing REALLY wrong with my marriage. As far as I know, there's no drugs, no drinking, no gambling, no cheating, no physical abuse, no mental abuse, no bad treatment, no major fights.

Here's the other side of the coin. There's nothing REALLY right with it either.

Aside from our children, we have nothing in common. Ok, I don't like to say "nothing" - how about very little in common. I like to read, he hasn't read a book in the 7 1/2 years we've been together. (Seriously, folks, that's not an exaggeration!) I like to cook. His idea of "a good dinner" is Hamburger Helper made with turkey. I like to go new places, try new things. He likes to watch television. I go to bed early, and he stays up late. I wake up early in the morning, and he sleeps late. I like to be creative, he doesn't offer new ideas. I believe in open communication, he'll walk out of a room (while I'm speaking) if it starts to get serious.

If this were a dating scenario, no kids, two free, consenting adults, you'd wonder why we'd be together, right? Well, it's not. We're married. We have two incredible children.

I said I was tired of fighting. We don't actually argue a lot. In order to argue, there has to be passion, a desire to work something out, or at least get your point across. I've tried to say what I'm feeling, seeing, needing too many times to count. He won't say anything is wrong or bothering him, until I've started the conversation, then it's his way (I think) of saying "I'm rubber... you're glue..." By no means do I think I'm easy to live with. By no means do I think this is his fault.

So, the question for the day seeking an answer. Would you stay in a place where a lack of emotion prevails? If it was just me, I know what the answer would be. However, it's not just me. I've got the two most important people in the world to answer to, and that complicates matters. A LOT.


alienbody said...

I have a friend with 4 kids who was willing to leave her marriage because she was not afraid of being alone, but she was afraid of spending her life being lonely...and that was what she faced by staying in her marriage. Yes, you can have a dozen kids and still be lonely, because they don't offer what a partner does. That's not to say you NEED a man, because I know you and you are very capable of taking care of yourself, family and home all on your own. I also don't believe women NEED a man/partner or whatever, to complete them. But I do believe that a loving relationship can offer us peace and a feeling of security and that being part of one that does not offer that will eventually have some serious impact on self esteem. I would rather not stay in the marriage if I felt that the other person was just a roommate. I would need more. As much as I love my kids, it's not just about them and them alone. Parents who separate and make an effort to stay connected can turn out some fabulous, well adjusted kids. Of course, it sounds like I’m encouraging you to separate, but I’m not. I think you just need to be reminded that being mommy isn’t the only role in your life and you are important, too.

thatgirldina said...

Oh Peaches, this is such a hard question to answer and a difficult decision to make. But, I do believe nkmom did a bang up job of it. I have to say I agree with her 110%.

Big hugs to you (and those sweet kiddos too!)

Chickenbells said...

Gosh...this is such a hard decision isn't it? You sound worn out and confused...I know what I was feeling when I was having to make this decision, plus I was feeling defeated and pissed things weren't turning out the way I wanted them to be. I didn't have kids, so it was just me that I was having to make the decision for...but, I don't believe you should stay in an unfulfiling relationship just for your kids, because they see what you are doing as well (and may be worried because they sense something's wrong) plus, it's never JUST you...it is YOU, and you are the important thing in your life sweetie...that way, you can be the best mom and role model for those kids you love so much! Good luck with your decision...you know you have a couple of people to bounce things off of...and we love coffee and conversation.

Unknown said...

Life is finite. You've got one shot to do everything you want, to achieve everything you want to achieve and find the things that bring you solace, and the people who elicit within you passion and love. There's no overtime. There's no do over. This is it.

Passion is fuel to soul, L. This post resonated with me like no other, as when we knew each-other best, your tank was full and you went through life so passionately and with such determination that it took my breath away.

Don't give up on that. Don't settle. You are too unique an individual, too spectacular of a human being to give in to apathy. Find the things that replenish you, and if you must leave your marriage to do it, then do it and don't look back.