It's official. The holidays are almost here. How the hell did that happen?
Next week is Halloween. Next month is Thanksgiving. The month after that is Christmas. Holy shit!
This year the holidays will be a little different for me. This year, T will have the kids on Halloweeen and Thanksgiving, and I will have them on Christmas and New Year's. This is not by any great planning, it just worked out that way, as he has to work on Sunday - Wednesday.
I don't mind being on my own for Thanksgiving - although, I'm not sure I'll manage to stay alone that day. I do, however, feel for the kids - they will be spending Christmas just with me. They have a great big family about an hour away, who will be doing their annual "do" - but they won't be included because their mom won't be invited and their dad will be working. I'm just going to have to find some other way of making it special for them (and no, I don't mean overload on presents - not my style!)
Today marks another kind of celebration - but it's not mine to share. However, to the person involved, know that I will never forget this day, and that I'm so happy you've made it through so far. More to come, I know, but celebrate your successes as they happen.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
100th
This is my 100th post on this Blog.
In the big picture, that's not a whole lot. It sure feels that way, though.
100 posts ago, I was living in an unhappy marriage, fat, disatisfied with my life, my home, my job, my marriage, my body, myself.
100 posts ago I was in fear. Fear of living alone, fear of not being alone, fear of ruining my children's lives in exchange for some happiness of my own.
100 posts ago I wasn't sure my mother would survive the year. 100 posts ago I didn't know how my father truly felt about her, or me. 100 posts ago I thought I knew everything there was to know about my family.
100 posts ago, I was depressed, sick, lethargic and tired of all of it.
100 posts ago I was lost.
Thank you to my friends and family for making this journey with me, helping me find my way out of the dark, and helping me to live again. I'll never have the right words to explain what your love and support have meant to me.
In the big picture, that's not a whole lot. It sure feels that way, though.
100 posts ago, I was living in an unhappy marriage, fat, disatisfied with my life, my home, my job, my marriage, my body, myself.
100 posts ago I was in fear. Fear of living alone, fear of not being alone, fear of ruining my children's lives in exchange for some happiness of my own.
100 posts ago I wasn't sure my mother would survive the year. 100 posts ago I didn't know how my father truly felt about her, or me. 100 posts ago I thought I knew everything there was to know about my family.
100 posts ago, I was depressed, sick, lethargic and tired of all of it.
100 posts ago I was lost.
Thank you to my friends and family for making this journey with me, helping me find my way out of the dark, and helping me to live again. I'll never have the right words to explain what your love and support have meant to me.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Hugs
Is it wrong to get so giddy over a few hugs?
My son has always been a daddy's boy. He and T would always feel closer than he and I. T would play more with him, while I would teach more. T would roughhouse, I would read. T would let him watch television, I'd play boardgames. It always seemed to me that T was the preferred parent, and although I didn't like admitting it, deep down, I was ok with it, because he knew that he was a well loved litle boy.
It seems to me that things have shifted. While he still loves his father a great deal, it seems like things are swinging in another direction. For the last few days, instead of putting up with a kiss or a hug for me - he's asking for his "good night squish". Yesterday, he missed the bus after school and called me to come pick him up. When I called T, to let him know that I was on my way, he didn't know anything about it. I figured that when S called me, and my voicemail picked up, he would have called his daddy. He didn't. He just waited a minute and called me again.
This morning, at the morning drop off, he took his backpack from me, took his dollar for the buck club (before school care) and threw himself into my arms for a hug.
Please understand this isn't a competition - I don't have to be the favored parent - but it is just another sign to me that S and A are adjusted and happy. There's nothing else I want more.
My son has always been a daddy's boy. He and T would always feel closer than he and I. T would play more with him, while I would teach more. T would roughhouse, I would read. T would let him watch television, I'd play boardgames. It always seemed to me that T was the preferred parent, and although I didn't like admitting it, deep down, I was ok with it, because he knew that he was a well loved litle boy.
It seems to me that things have shifted. While he still loves his father a great deal, it seems like things are swinging in another direction. For the last few days, instead of putting up with a kiss or a hug for me - he's asking for his "good night squish". Yesterday, he missed the bus after school and called me to come pick him up. When I called T, to let him know that I was on my way, he didn't know anything about it. I figured that when S called me, and my voicemail picked up, he would have called his daddy. He didn't. He just waited a minute and called me again.
This morning, at the morning drop off, he took his backpack from me, took his dollar for the buck club (before school care) and threw himself into my arms for a hug.
Please understand this isn't a competition - I don't have to be the favored parent - but it is just another sign to me that S and A are adjusted and happy. There's nothing else I want more.
Monday, October 22, 2007
The Journey
I was looking back at the past this weekend, through pictures and blog entries and I truly began to realize how much my life has changed.
Let's step into the Way-Back machine!
Not everyone knows this, but I was married years ago, when I was young and stupid. (As opposed to the less-young and less-stupid that I am now.) Although the marriage was a big mistake, it put me on the path that I'm on now - and in a way, I can't help but wonder what if...
My first husband, M, had quite a temper. Let's just keep it to being married was hazardous to my health, and leave it at that. When I left him, I did so because I realized I would never trust him around children, which I knew I would want. However, I left him when I was living in a state where I knew nobody else. I ran away to New York City, where I stayed on my very patient sister's couch for three months. After that, I moved down to Maryland, where I knew one person. I lived there for six months, then moved back to California.
When I moved back to California, I was a different person. I had proved to myself that I was strong enough to stand on my own. Good thing, too, as a few years later, I found myself moving yet again, to another town where I didn't know anyone, this time in Oregon. A year after that, I was moving again - this time to the Sacramento area in California, where I knew nobody. (These moves were all for my career).
In Sacramento, I dealt with various challenges professionally, and personally, and made it through all of them. Along the way I met, married and had children with T. We moved to Arizona a few years later and well... here I am.
The point of this is that - it took some really tough times to figure out that I could handle them, and now that I'm having some really good ones, I thought it was a good idea to remember that. Right now, I'm happy. I have a job I enjoy, a great relationship with my children, a home I'm proud of, friends I love. I'm sure that tough times are lurking around another corner, but I know now, that I can face them, and that there are bright points just beyond.
Let's step into the Way-Back machine!
Not everyone knows this, but I was married years ago, when I was young and stupid. (As opposed to the less-young and less-stupid that I am now.) Although the marriage was a big mistake, it put me on the path that I'm on now - and in a way, I can't help but wonder what if...
My first husband, M, had quite a temper. Let's just keep it to being married was hazardous to my health, and leave it at that. When I left him, I did so because I realized I would never trust him around children, which I knew I would want. However, I left him when I was living in a state where I knew nobody else. I ran away to New York City, where I stayed on my very patient sister's couch for three months. After that, I moved down to Maryland, where I knew one person. I lived there for six months, then moved back to California.
When I moved back to California, I was a different person. I had proved to myself that I was strong enough to stand on my own. Good thing, too, as a few years later, I found myself moving yet again, to another town where I didn't know anyone, this time in Oregon. A year after that, I was moving again - this time to the Sacramento area in California, where I knew nobody. (These moves were all for my career).
In Sacramento, I dealt with various challenges professionally, and personally, and made it through all of them. Along the way I met, married and had children with T. We moved to Arizona a few years later and well... here I am.
The point of this is that - it took some really tough times to figure out that I could handle them, and now that I'm having some really good ones, I thought it was a good idea to remember that. Right now, I'm happy. I have a job I enjoy, a great relationship with my children, a home I'm proud of, friends I love. I'm sure that tough times are lurking around another corner, but I know now, that I can face them, and that there are bright points just beyond.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Huh, What?
I am so scatter-brained this morning.
Here it is, not even 8:00, and I've already done the following:
1) Nearly forgot my lunch (went back in the house to get it)
2) Couldn't find my keys.
3) Programmed my slow-cooker to make my world-famous chili, but left the house before pressing "start" - drove away. Drove back, because I'm thinking I'd have a contract out on me if I ruined that chili.
4) Forgot my son's hat.
5) Forgot today's date.
6) It's taken me a really long time to even write this so far, because I keep using the wrong words (even this sentence had to be edited twice).
It's going to be a tough day.
Here it is, not even 8:00, and I've already done the following:
1) Nearly forgot my lunch (went back in the house to get it)
2) Couldn't find my keys.
3) Programmed my slow-cooker to make my world-famous chili, but left the house before pressing "start" - drove away. Drove back, because I'm thinking I'd have a contract out on me if I ruined that chili.
4) Forgot my son's hat.
5) Forgot today's date.
6) It's taken me a really long time to even write this so far, because I keep using the wrong words (even this sentence had to be edited twice).
It's going to be a tough day.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
F Replacement Therapy
I have figured out the secret.
People do not need sleep or food. All you need is friends, fun, flirting, and french kissing. :)
People do not need sleep or food. All you need is friends, fun, flirting, and french kissing. :)
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Apparently...
Being an adult is like being a teenager. Who knew?
Now that I'm back out in the adult world, I feel more like a kid than ever. Late nights, talking, texting, spending hours on the phone - I can't remember when I seemed to need less sleep, and I'm still in a good mood every day. Add the occassional adult evening out, the glass of wine, or Sunday afternoon champagne, and I wonder what I was missing for all that time.
In fact, there was a very telling conversation at my office yesterday. I was in a good mood yesterday morning, but really didn't know why. A few ideas were tossed out as to why I was so happy, but no, I didn't get laid. Finally, one of the ladies I work with made a comment - and hit the nail on the head. She said, "You're having fun, right?"
That's why I was in such a strange mood - there hasn't been much fun in my life for the last several years.
Welcome back, fun, I missed you!
Now that I'm back out in the adult world, I feel more like a kid than ever. Late nights, talking, texting, spending hours on the phone - I can't remember when I seemed to need less sleep, and I'm still in a good mood every day. Add the occassional adult evening out, the glass of wine, or Sunday afternoon champagne, and I wonder what I was missing for all that time.
In fact, there was a very telling conversation at my office yesterday. I was in a good mood yesterday morning, but really didn't know why. A few ideas were tossed out as to why I was so happy, but no, I didn't get laid. Finally, one of the ladies I work with made a comment - and hit the nail on the head. She said, "You're having fun, right?"
That's why I was in such a strange mood - there hasn't been much fun in my life for the last several years.
Welcome back, fun, I missed you!
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