What you didn't know...

Inspired by the Fish.

I learned how to read at three. According to my mother, I was using chopsticks before I learned how to use a fork. My first memory is of my brother's blue comforter. I saw the movie "Grease" - 17 1/2 times in one year.

I thrive on compliments, even though I might argue with the person for giving them to me. A stubbly kiss on my neck can drive me absolutely insane.

I've been feeling a little homesick lately, for my friends in California and my family that has passed. I have really been missing my Grandparents and Great Aunt lately.

I'm very impatient, and want to draw things out at the same time. If I could have one superpower, it would be to skip ahead in time, find out how things are going to work out, then come back to the moment and savor the trip to the results.

I believe in signs - songs, books, things people say - I believe can all be messages from the universe reminding me of things I've forgotten, lessons I need to learn, or things I need to do to become a better person.

I fell in love with my children more than I ever thought I would - but it wasn't instantaneous. I was so overwhelmed and scared, that I kept thinking someone was going to come back and claim their child - as if I was a babysitter. I wanted four children, and it still makes me cry that I can't have anymore.

Ok-your turn... Dina, Melissa, Sadie, Debbie, Andy (sorry, ANDREW), consider yourselves tagged.

What's the difference...

What is the difference between still and stagnant? Who gets to make that decision?

In our careers, some of us will stay in the same position for years. Is this still or stagnant? I'm not a sit still kind of person (I think we've established that). For years, I defined myself as a professional Swooper. I would come into a work situation - swoop in - solve whatever major problems they had been facing, reorganize, rethink, improve, and swoop out again. I know this makes me sound like I'm very high on myself. I don't think it was any given gift I posessed - but more of a set of fresh eyes, a willingness to try something new, and a bigger willingness to be wrong if it didn't work. For several years, I worked for an outsourcing company - that means that someone else hired us to run their technical support - in that time I did a lot of swooping. I was never bored. I was always busy. I moved, I travelled, I did anything the company wanted me too. Of course, at the time, I was single and childless. But I was never stagnant - nor still.

Now I get up and come to the same place every day, and have for just over four years. There are minor skirmishes to deal with. Small new projects to tackle. However, most of these I'm making up for myself. When I first got here, there was a lot of clean-up that needed to be done - there were areas that had to be completely reviewed. There probably still are - but not with the same level of urgency or excitement. I'm not in the same role I was in when I walked in the door - so I'm not still. Why do I feel stagnant?

In another world, another life, I'd probably be looking for something else right now. In another world, another life, I'd probably be looking for something else in other states, right now. However, in this world, this life, I have different responsibilities. To a home, to my children. Those things are never stagnant, but must keep me still.

Why?

What makes us do the things we do?

This morning, I was happily lying in my warm and toasty bed. I have so much stuff that I need to do at home, and I was so comfy, and still tired, that I gave a few moments contemplation on staying home. I'm not sick, but spending the day at home instead of at work was SO tempting.

So why am I at the office? What's in me that refuses to allow me to play hooky from work? Is it the same thing in me that makes me a lousy liar? That makes me horrible at saying good-byes? Is it the same reason that I can't stand the squeak of green-beans, and thus refuse to eat them?

Where do our quirks come from? Can they be changed?

CRAP!

I just wrote a very insightful and witty post, and managed to somehow delete it. CRAP!

Hmm... I just learned something about myself. Once I get out all the thoughts that have been pounding on the inside of my brain, I can't recreate them. So, to my legions of fans (I think there might even be 10 of you that check here regularly) I have to apologize, since I can't recreate the spew of insights that I already wrote down.

Instead I'll do a little recap of this month so far:

My birthday came and went - not the best day ever. D's daughter has been in town a lot - which has been WONDERFUL - and really hard. It's great to have her here, but so hard to say good-bye at the end of the visit. She cries, my kids cry... it's just really hard on all of us. My children have started basketball, and S is a star. A is playing this year, too, but so far - she doesn't have the real interest that he does. However, she will be starting dance next month, and she can't wait for that!

Coming Up: My annual business trip to Tucson, a visit from the parents, and my divorce should be finalized within the next three weeks.

Sitting Around

I am not very good at it. Let's face it - I suck at sitting around.

Why?

Why do I always feel like there is something demanding my attention, and that it has to be dealt with? Oh sure, there's always something to do - don't get me wrong - but it will still be there the next minute, hour, day, right?

I get home from work, and I'm immediately on the go - between laundry, cleaning, other household chores, homework, food prep, consumption and clean-up, until I give myself permission to go to bed, the only down time I have is reserved for a bath.

Tonight, I'm taking a small break from all that and am going to have dinner with a friend. She, who shall remain nameless, as she is feeling quite guilty for forgetting my birthday a couple of weeks back, and I will enjoy a meal that someone else will prepare, someone else will clean up after, and I will also get the added benefit of knowing that someone else is paying for it, too.

Of course, that nice meal will have to wait until my 9 1/2 hour work day is done, the errands I need to run after work are completed, I regain ownership of Vinnie who is having his DVD player replaced, and... damn... here I go again!

I'm a Whore

It's true. I'd like to go on record now as claiming through no fault of my own, the Public Library has made me a whore. I was happily content reading Eat, Pray Love, when lo and behold, the Library (heretofore known as my dealer) tells me to pick up my books and read them or else I'll lose them!

As I only have a limited time with the ones from the Library, and Eat, Pray, Love is on an indefinite loan from a friend, I've had to switch over. I finished the "Eat" section, and was getting ready to move with the author to India, but alas... I cannot.

Instead I'm now reading "Play Dirty", and while I'm not too far along, so far all I know is that an ex-football Quarterback, who was just released from prison was asked to sleep with a very wealthy man's wife (by the wealthy man) in order to impregnate her.

How come this shit never happens to me?

Definition

Do possessions define you? Am I my house? Am I my car?

I bought a new car this past weekend. A birthday present, if you will. This is a very cool car. It's got all kinds of bells and whistles. I mean, come on, it has voice command, it knows 1,000 instructions. I can tell it to set the temperature to 74 degrees and it does. Hmm... why aren't there more people like that? I digress...

Here's my only problem with it. It's a mini-van. Minivan's have a bad rep. Did I just automatically turn into a Soccer Mom (or rather, since basketball practice starts today, did I turn into a Basketball Mom)? Or, was I one already, and know I'm just advertising it? Probably the latter. Ok, I admit it. I'm a nauseatingly proud parent - and now I have the car to match.

I'm turning in the Dodge Durango I've had for a few years now. That car was a denial of the soccer-momesque that lies within, but it still was a mom-car. Just a really big one, that ate lots of gas and scared the other cars on the road. Ok, so it was a bullying mom-mobile.

The new one is a Honda Odyssey, blue, and the kids think it's cool. His name is Vincent, but I call him Vinnie.

Come on, folks... Vincent... VanGogh????

I know, I know... it's bad - even for me.

Your Word

My friend, Melissa, who has often proven to be quite a genius, recommended a book to me. It is called "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Now, I'm nearly through the "Eat" part of the book, and am enjoying it. The author is describing a year out of her life where she learns to focus first on pleasure, then on spirituality, then on how to live a life combining the two ideas.

The author occasionally hits on ideas and concepts that makes me put the book down, stare off into space and say, "huh". (Ok, the author is better versed than I).

Last night, while sitting next to D on the couch I had one of those "huh" moments. Here's the question: What is your word? According to the author's friend in Rome, every city, every home, and every person has one word that can sum up the aura of that entity. In the book, it is determined that Rome's word is "SEX", New York's word is "ACHIEVE", etc.., etc., The author is struggling to choose her word, but thinks "SEEK" might come closest.

I haven't fully narrowed down my word yet. The first one that came to my mind was "PASSION". Now, come on folks, passion isn't *all* about sex. For me, I have never been able to do things part-way. If I'm going to sign up for a class, I have to sign up, buy the books, and read the first 7 assignments before I even get there. If I'm going to have people over for dinner, I'm going to start thinking about the menu, plan the timing, hit the grocery store, get the food prepped, and drive everyone else crazy with questions about what they think. Hmm... maybe PASSION isn't the right word for me - maybe "JUMP" is - as I tend to jump into things with both feet - I'm not a test the water kinda gal (although I've tried to be...) "FAMILY" is huge with me, but I don't think I can claim that as my word either.

Hmm... the quest for the word has begun.

What's your word?

New Year's

Ok, to continue the highlights from the last couple of weeks.

On the last Friday of the old year, I piled the kids in the car and we headed down to Phoenix to pick up D's daughter. From that moment on, the three kids didn't want to be apart. They had their slight squirmishes, but for the most part, they played games, ate, slept, and pretty much hung out in various combinations.

Oh, there was one other thing to keep in mind - both D and I were sick! (This is the cold that WILL NOT DIE!) So with slightly limited reserves, we were able to keep the three kids entertained, well fed, and happy for the four days we had together.

On New Year's Eve we headed over to TGD's house. Throw some more kids, more food, and noisemakers into the mix (Seriously, woman - did we need those FREAKIN' HORNS????), and the kids and grown-ups both spent some time celebrating. At 11:00 we called it "Kid New Year" and poured the cider. After that, D and I bundled our crew back in the car and headed home. Kids were in bed, I'd had a quick bath, more cider poured (and a glass of wine for me) and D and I were on the couch with 30 seconds to spare. A perfect way to bring in the new year.

I used to love New Year's Eve. To me, it was the perfect call of "Do-Over!". I have to say, however, that this was the first one in many years, that I felt optimistic of what was to come.

Oh yeah, and as for today, can we just ignore it?

Where Have I Been?

Nowhere.

It's true. I have no decent excuses for not updating this Blog. My winter break came and went. Christmas came and went. New Year's came and went. My birthday looms (WAY, WAY too close).

I had a week and a half off of work. However, this was the year of the 30 minute vacation. I did get things done that needed to be done, but it never felt like I was on vacation. Between running errands, cleaning, cooking, laundry, doctor's appointments, kid stuff, work stuff (yes, even on vacation), it seems like I got my "time off" here and there - 20 minutes to read. 45 minutes to play a game. The time flew by.

Christmas with my closest was lovely. Being the nice guy that I am, I let T take the kids on Christmas eve, even though it was my day. However, I made it very clear that they were sleeping at *my* house, as Santa was coming there. The kids were nestled all snug in their beds, and that's when it hit me. The holiday skippies. I bounced around the living room, filling stockings, putting presents under the tree, scarfing down overly decorated cookies and ruthlessly chomping carrots. (The milk was left for D to drink - blech!)

The kids didn't wake up fast enough for the grown ups - who ever heard of such a thing??? so they were awakened with a whispered "Santa was here..." and out they bounded - paper was flying, stockings were emptied, items looked at and quickly discarded - however, all was well received (ok, maybe not the clothes or D's tupperware, but you know how that goes...)

A day or two later and the munchkins were returned to their father for a couple of nights.

The following Friday began the New Year's Weekend festivities, with one more child, twice as much fun, and lots more noise.

I'll think I'll save those stories for tomorrow. That way I can avoid thinking about the other thing that tomorrow brings...