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Mirrors

2008-08-12T10:05:00.000-07:00

Have you ever met anyone who actually could look in a mirror and decide they looked good?

My friend that was just here is a beautiful woman. Everyone says so. Everyone but her. My friend M is a beautiful woman who can get her husband heated up in a moments notice - but does she think she looks good?

I look in the mirror and I see bad skin, too much weight around my belly, frizzy hair, etc. That's not all I am, and I logically know this, but still - that's what I see.

So I ask again, does anyone ever look in a mirror and decide they look good? Of course not - if that were the case the diet industry would be non-existent, the cosmetics companies would be out of business, and clothing would be a hell of a lot cheaper.

Why can't I just accept myself for the way I am? Why will I pass up candy in exchange for a Lean Cuisine for lunch? Why do I spend $75 a month on skin care? Why do I buy exercise equipment?

I bet if I added all the money I've spent to make myself look better, I could have just purchased a voluntary lobotomy - and I'd have been happier.

Old Friends

2008-08-11T08:58:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of showing off my town (and nearby coolness) to my college roommate. She and her daughter found themselves with some extra time - so they hopped in the car for a quick 12 hour drive and stayed with D and I for the weekend.

In between the highlights of the visit, which included the Farmer's Market, an arts and crafts festival on the square, a trip to Jerome and Sedona, were what some might consider to be the low points of the weekend, but those were the parts I liked the best:

Sitting on the couch, sometimes with a glass of wine, sometimes not, sitting at the kitchen table dipping pita chips into hummus, watching an 11 year old lead my 6 year old around on a leash, as if she were a puppy, and laughing. Lots and lots of laughing. Kids laughing, adults laughing, some reminiscing, some new jokes, but beneath it all was a sense of history.

New friends are terrific, they just don't know you like the ones who knew you when you were young and carefree. The ones that knew you before the bad relationships, the horrendous fear that comes with knowing you're responsible for another person (or two), the weight of bills resting on your shoulders. The ones that knew you when all you had to worry about was shaking off a hang over and getting to class.

I don't have a lot of friends, I was never that kind of person. However, I have some really terrific ones - pretty much one or two from each of the major categories in my life. One from grammar school, two from high school, one from college, one from the beginning of my career. Maybe not a lot in numbers, but immeasurable in support and love.

Thank you for coming to visit Kim! I hope you got as much out of it as I did!

Hmm... This sounds familiar

2008-08-05T08:09:00.001-07:00

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's so hateful...

Why haven't I been writing?

2008-07-30T15:57:00.000-07:00

I am in a strange place these days.

I'm either really happy and just enjoying it too much to write about it, or I'm cranky and annoyed and don't want to commit anything in writing that I won't want to read later.

Strange, isn't it?

Is there a happy medium or am I destined for one of those roller coaster kinds of lives - where there are amazing highs and frightening lows, but not a whole lot in the middle.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I probably wouldn't want the middle of the road life either, would I? Isn't middle of the road just a nice way of saying routine? Isn't routine just a nice way of saying dull?

OK, so let's say that I'm resigned to a life of mountains and valleys - how do I remind myself when I'm at the bottom of a valley that there's another mountain around the corner? Maybe that's what I needed to put in writing.

A New Post

2008-07-23T14:53:00.000-07:00

My dear friend has been on my case to write a new post. Having either nothing I want to talk about or nothing to talk about at all... I am stealing from Dina.

Thanks!

Here's the deal....

1: Type in “[your name] needs” in the Google search:
Lizabeth needs a job, but is either over or undereducated, depending on the prospective employer.

This is from a book by Janet Evanovich, funnily enough - I just read it last month!

2: Type in “[your name] looks like” in Google search:
Liz looks like a rockstar with slurpees.

Lizabeth wouldn't work on that one - but still... I like it - a rock star with slurpees...

3: Type in “[your name] does” in Google search:
Liz Does Her Back In.

Is this revenge or physical torment on oneself? I could go either way.

4: Type in “[your name] hates” in Google search:
Lizbeth hates doing anything the quick-and-dirty way. In fact, she generally hates to be in a hurry at all.

True - I don't like to be in a hurry, and I hate to be late. However, there is something to be said for shortcuts!

5: Type in “[your name] goes to” in Google search:
Liz goes to Doubleday in Landisbury PA (near Carlyle) to play baseball.

Well, I guess if I was going to go play baseball, Pennsylvania is as good as anywhere.

6. Type in “[your name] eats” in Google search:
Liz eats Horseradish.

This is a video on You Tube I guess. Wow, people really will film themselves doing anything, won't they?

7: Type in “[your name] has” in Google search:
Lizabeth has her mother to herself.

Actually, now that she lives in Maine, I don't really anymore.

8: Type in “[your name] died” in Google Search:
He said there was no evidence of how Lizabeth died.

I don't know if this is supposed to count, but it's the first one.

9: Type in “[your name] will” in Google search:
Liz will always be watching over you both and she will live on through that beautiful daughter of yours.

Kinda creepy.

Does that count as something? At least until I'm ready to talk more.

I Know... I know...

2008-05-21T10:14:00.001-07:00

But come on... this is funny!

Challenge

2008-05-09T08:08:00.000-07:00

The rules say you can only type one word.

1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Your significant other? D
3. Your hair? frizzy
4. Your Skin? Casper
5.Your mother? healthier
6. Your favorite thing? giggling
7. Your dream last night? dark
8. Your favorite drink? Diet
9. Your dream/goal? Freedom
10. The room you're in? Office
11. Your ex? Weasel
12. Your fear? accidents
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home
14. Where were you last night? Bed
15. What you're not? Easy
16. Muffins? Blueberry
17. One of your wish list items? Time
18. Where you grew up? Cali
19. The last thing you did? Talk
20. What are you wearing? Raspberry
21. Your TV? Off
22. Your pet(S)? cat
23. Your computer? Pictures
24. Your life? Complicated
25. Your mood? Fragile
26. Missing someone? Always
27 Your car? MommyCar
28. Something you're not wearing? Ring
29 Favorite Store? Giftcard
30. Your summer? Full
31. Like someone? Lots
32. Your favorite color? purple
33. When is the last time you laughed? today
34. Last time you cried? Yesterday
35. Who will/would re-post this? Sadie?

Your turn, ladies (and Gentelmen - but there's only one I know that reads this that has a Blog, and he barely updates it. Right, Andrew?) But Debbie, Sadie, Christine, Dina, Melissa, you know who you are!

Wednesdays

2008-05-07T08:06:00.000-07:00

I hate Wednesday mornings, but I love Wednesday evenings. How is this possible?

Wednesday morning is the last morning I have with my kids before they go to dad's house for a couple of days. Well, unless, of course, he's asked me to take them extra (which is pretty much a weekly thing).

My last kid hug for the duration happens on the sidewalk in front of the school. My last kiss is one that is pretty quick, after all there are friends to be played with. My last hug is bumpy with books and morning snacks. My last "I love you" is returned as they go flying down the sidewalk to play.

Then I go to work. There are no kisses, no hugs, no "I love you"s - well, ok, sometimes there are, but usually only if an employee wants something.

However, on Wednesday night, there's a transition. Now it's just me and D. An adult evening, where language isn't censored, where kissing is not followed by a pipsqueak voice saying "That's Disgustin'!"

This week's Wednesday will be spent keeping one eye on the Sundogs score, as they play game 3 in the cup finals in Colorado. Hopefully, the other one will be closed - after all it's kind of rude to keep your eyes open when kissing, isn't it?

Bad, bad, mommy

2008-05-06T08:18:00.000-07:00

I am.

I am a bad mommy.

I am rooting for rain. My son has a "Coach Pitch" little league game tonight, and I am really hoping it will be called on account of rain.

This is a terrible thing to wish. Especially, since this is only the third game on the season. However, if you have never watched a little league game of "coach pitch" with a bunch of 7 year olds, please don't judge.

Let's start with the basic rules of this game. Everyone plays. Good rule. Everyone bats. Good rule. There are no outs. BAD, BAD rule! An inning means each kid on every team swings until they hit a fair ball. There are 14 kids on each team. There may be 15 - 20 pitches before a kid hits the ball. Are ya with me here?

Now, when it's my son's turn, it's a great few minutes - but the other 27 kids? Well, let's just say the mind does tend to wander...

Add to this that these games happen at 5:30. I get out of work at 5:00, and my child's day care is a 20 minute drive (when the gods of traffic are on my side). From there, this game is another 10 minute drive away. Somewhere in there, the child in question needs to don his baseball uniform. Add to this, that the ex feels the need to go to the games, even when it's not his day with the kids (don't get me started on that right now...) Add to this, that it's Tuesday. Which means both kids will have swum today in a pool that has to be just as much urine as water, and I get totally grossed out and prefer to immediately toss them into a shower, but won't have that opportunity until at least 7:00 tonight.

Oh, and somewhere in there, I need to feed them, make sure homework gets done, and find some time for myself...

Yep, rain sure sounds good...

Changes/Titles

2008-04-28T13:36:00.000-07:00

Now that I've been (more or less) Blogging a little more frequently, I looked about my page, and found something that made me think...

This is what I had to say when I started: "Who am I? Well, that's not one of the questions I've got a good answer for. To some, I'm a mom, to others, I'm a friend, to others I'm a wife, to some a boss, to others an employee. Who am I to me? That's what I'm hoping to figure out."

Well, through this and a lot of other things, I think I have a better idea of who I am, and at least one of those titles have definitely changed. I am no longer anyone's wife.

There's something about that word, though, isn't there? It's clear. There is no ambiguity about a wife or a husband. You don't wonder... Do they live together? Are they getting married? If so, when?

I have someone in my life that I adore, and yet there isn't a title that I like for him. Boyfriend sounds so juevenile, and considering the things we are dealing with on a regular basis, doesn't say enough to me. "Partner" sounds gay. Not sarcastically, just really sounds like a same-sex relationship. "Lover" offers more details than I think I would prefer on an introduction, and "Friend" just doesn't say nearly enough.

So Ladies and Gentlemen - I'm on a quest. Give me a better word! This is your Mission!

April 25, 2008

2008-04-25T08:31:00.000-07:00

Today is April 25th. This is the wedding anniversary of my very dear friends, M & J. Not only is it a wedding anniversary - this is their 16th wedding anniversary.

Theirs goes in the books as one of the best marriages I know. I'm sure they argue, I'm sure they go through times when they don't see enough of each other, I'm sure they go through times when it's all about the kids, and not enough about them. However, that's the key, there, isn't it... they go THROUGH these rough patches, and come out the other side.

What is the secret, M?

Happy Anniversary, M and J, from your very green friend in AZ.

The Game of Life

2008-04-24T08:23:00.000-07:00

Now, I'm not talking about the one with the little blue and pink plastic people and the colorful cars. However, that's the question of the day. Is Life more like a board game or is it more like a video game?

In a board game, there's a winner at the end of the game. You're playing against at least one other person, and at the end someone has all the properties, someone catches the mouse, someone sinks all the battleships. And someone doesn't.

In a video game, you can be playing against someone else, but mostly you're playing against the machine. You may put off losing for a really long time - but do you ever really win? (I'm probably dating myself, here, I haven't actually played video games in a really long time, so let's think along the lines of Pac-Man, Donkey-Kong, etc.) As I remember it, you beat a level, only to go to the next level and try again. Now, I was never a very skilled Pac-Man player, so maybe there was a way to win, and I just never got there.

Hmm... I guess there's a lesson right there - how do you know there isn't a way to win, until you've played the game to the end?

So, the real question I am apparently asking myself today is - am I going to win this one - or is it just another level I have to master before I get to the next one?

What stops us?

2008-04-23T08:53:00.000-07:00

Every week, D buys a lottery ticket.

Every week, we fantasize about where we'll live, how we'll quit our jobs, where we'll go, which trips we'll take with the kids, which ones alone. How many houses do we want, and where?

Now neither of us ever expect to win, but we rationalize the dollar or two on a fun dream-filled (very similar to cream-filled, but without the calories) conversation.

However, what really stops us? I want to work part-time, so that I can be home with the kids before and after school and prevent them from having to go to extended day-care.

D wants to open his own business, both of us working together, so that I can accomplish the more important parts of the previous paragraph, and so that we can stop answering to someone else, stop busting our butts to make money for someone else.

So, what stops us? Is it really about the money? Or is it about taking a leap of faith, without a safety net?

I Know... I know...

2008-04-22T08:02:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've updated this Blog. It's not like I haven't been doing anything fun. It's not like I have been so monumentally busy that I haven't had time to write. It's not like I don't have anything to say (ha!).

So why the delay?

It's a strange situation to be in. The whole point of this Blog was a venue for finding myself, and finding my path. Finding my happiness, if that's not too sappy. Here's the problem. I'm happy.

Don't get me wrong, being happy certainly isn't a problem. It just gives me a whole lot less to bitch about!

I've been doing some pretty great things in the last three weeks since I've updated, and I could post about those, but I didn't want to turn into one of those mommy-bloggers or the - "here is what I did and aren't I great" kind of bloggers. I suppose a few highlights wouldn't kill anyone, right?

The biggest event was a special day planned for my son. My son, S, has been into Nascar since he was about 2 years old. Due to the nature of my work, I spend a lot of time conversing with UPS. The UPS rep invited S (and his mom) to attend a race (the Nationwide Series) courtesey of them. S sat in an air-conditioned luxury suite, watched the race from behind the reinforced (and therefore sound proofed) glass, snack and drink on the munchies provided, and take home a goodie bag equivalent to an Oscar night extravaganza. The child couldn't stop smiling the entire day, and he is still sleeping in his UPS racing jersey whenever mommy (or the more maleable babysitter) lets him.

I've picked up the geocaching again, and D and I have spent many happy hours searching under rocks and bushes for ellusive treasure. He and I are very similar in that we appreciate the area we live in so much and it's a real treat to go to Sedona, Jerome, Camp Verde, and still be home in time for hockey.

Ah yes, hockey. The Arizona Sundogs have been in the playoffs, and D and I have been to nearly every game. Last night was the third in four days (hence the maleable babysitter mentioned above) and we watched a nail-biter of a game, which the Sundogs did take 2-1; bring the conference series to 3-2. One more win for my dogs and they are off to the President's Cup Finals. This would be an amazing accomplishment - and a fitting end to a great season.

There you have it - an update on my life.

Don't get me wrong - it's not all milk and honey. I still have to deal with T, I still have to work, I'm still confident that I'm doing things wrong with D, with my kids, with everyone. In fact, you should probably book mark this entry - I'm sure the whiny, bitchy ones will be back soon.

Done Deal!

2008-03-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

Ah....

I was mostly right. I got there after him, so I chose not to sit by him. He was expecting me too, I could tell since he left me room to sit right next to him. He wore the tie that he wore when we were married. I found that strange. (And yes, he knew it).

The judge called us up, asked me a bunch of questions, seemed to really like my answers, and then asked him "with the exception of the pregnant question, do you agree with the answers given?" - He stammered out his "yes", but I got the feeling he was hoping for an opportunity to argue. He wasn't given one.

The papers were signed, filed, and copies were handed to us.

We left the courtroom to talk about some kid scheduling stuff, and yep, he asked for more money. I refused.

I left and went off for a lovely night with a terrific man.

T Minus 12 minutes

2008-03-27T15:17:00.000-07:00

Or is it D - Minus 42 minutes?

I'm leaving in 12 minutes. I will drive with the sunroof open, windows down, and music blaring. I will arrive at the courthouse in about 20 minutes. I will be checked by security, I will walkthrough and I will find the courtroom and sit and wait.

Although I was told that T didn't even have to show up for the hearing, I'm sure he will. I'm sure he will sit right next to me. I'm sure he will want to talk about money. I'm sure he will want more.

I will remain calm and collected. (Or at least I will look that way).

Wish me luck.

'Twas the night before...

2008-03-25T15:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's two days before...

Remember when you were a kid and when it finally seemed like Christmas was around the corner - you really *had* to be good in order to make sure Santa would come?

That's kind of what I'm feeling these days. My hearing to finalize my divorce is finally, FINALLY almost here. Two more days. (Ok, 48 hours, 49 minutes, but who's counting?)

I am trying so hard to be good, Santa. Not for more presents, just so things go smoothly. T is pushing those buttons hard, but luckily, I've got D on my side, keeping me calm, and reminding me not to do anything foolish this close to the big day.

A Sign of Things To Come

2008-03-12T08:04:00.000-07:00

Last night, D and I took S & A to watch a basketball game. It was D's little brother playing - and this game was the final in the tournament.

Of course the right team won.

However, I saw a glimpse of the future. S was too cool to sit with us in the stands. He hung out with his friends. He's now 7. I thought I'd still be cool for a few more years.

Hmm... guess I'm just too hot to be cool!

No? Well, it sounded good.

Birthday Party - Continued

2008-03-11T07:59:00.000-07:00

So, when we last left our heroine, she was holding the wrong cake and being denied access to host her party.

The proper phone calls were made, and the gates were lifted and I was able to come in. Now according to the YMCA webpage - you get one hour of climbing fun and then another hour in the "new party room". Ok, I'm fighting the urge to make air quotes even as I type this. I don't think that title worked - on any level. New - nope - same ol' space that's been around as long as I've been coming to the Y - dingy, dirty, etc. Party - wouldn't that indicate to you that they might have done something to make it look festive? Nope. No decorations, no table clothes, just folded tables and chairs along the walls for me to set up. Room - doesn't a room have to have four walls? This was really an "old, dingy, space you can use to put your crap on a dirty table so it doesn't have to sit on the floor". Ah... truth in advertising.

The kids didn't care - they ran around as more and more of them arrived and were dropped off by their parents.

As of 10:15, I had a "room" full of hyper party-animals, but no rock climbing wall instructor. She did show up eventually, and made her presence known a little later ("Oh, I was over there...") and I herded the children toward the rock climbing wall. Not all kids climbed, but all ran around - played, and had a good time, generally speaking.

Around 11:15 - we lit the candles, sang, and dug into the gooiest frosted cup-cake cake. Again, the kids didn't care - they had a great time. By the time the cake was served up, my dad was back from my house with the cups that I had left behind. (Hey, I remembered to bring milk and punch - couldn't they just swig from the bottle?)

Again, in the long run - the kids had fun, everyone made it through safely, there are some cute pictures, and my son got tons of goodies.

What more could a kid want? It was the bells and whistles that I wanted that were missing.

Oh, and as to the family participants? Not too bad - a little chilly, but I'll save those stories for another day.

The Birthday Party

2008-03-10T09:14:00.000-07:00

This might end up being a two-post tome...

I figured out what to do for S's birthday party a few weeks ago. This was brilliant! I wanted him to have a great birthday, but knowing that the ex-husband, ex-in-laws, parents, and SO were all to be in the same place at the same time, I wanted something in a more nuetral territory.

The brilliant plan was to do a party at the YMCA - it would start at 10:00 - and the kids would get an hour on the rock climbing wall. At 11:00 we would do cake and presents, and at 12:00, those that were interested could watch S and A play their last basketball game of the season.

This kept the party out of my house, left the decorating and clean-up to someone else, as well as giving the kids something fun and different to do.

That was the plan, anyway... alas... reality had to join the party (although it never RSVP'd - oh, but wait - that's part of the story...)

The invitations went out about two weeks before the party, requesting an RSVP date by March 1. Apparently - this date was a figment of my imagination. I waited until March 3rd, before ordering the cake and thinking I had the final number of party guests. Ha - silly me! Would you, my dear readers, like to know when I received the last RSVP? AFTER the party. No, you read that correctly. I was at the basketball game and listened to my voicemail - and there it was - the last RSVP for the party - ok, granted it had come in about 15 minutes before the party started, I just didn't hear it until afterwards, but seriously... come on parents!!!

So, as you know, my parents were also in town, and staying with me. We'd been having a nice visit, S and A were loving spending their time with their grandparents, D survived the meeting of the parents, etc., etc., etc.

Friday night before the party, I was supposed to meet my parents and the kids for dinner, while D drove a couple of hours to pick up his daughter (little d). Unfortunately, D had a long day and work, and as a result, some flash burn in his eyes, making it a little scary (ok, totally nerve wracking for me) for him to drive, so my parents watched two of the munchkins, and D and I went to pick up d. Round trip takes about 4.25 hours - so by the time we got back - we were all pooped. No worries, I'll get the party ready in the morning.

The morning didn't go well.

I got the goody-bags done, got most of the stuff I needed for the party (got that part... *most* of the stuff) and my mom and I set out to get set-up at the Y.

Problem 1: The cake was done wrong. The cake, which was a cupcake-cake was made with chocolate frosting, even though it specifically said "white frosting" on the order form. My son doesn't like chocolate. A quick fix - we added 12 white cupcakes around the edge of the cake - so that S could still enjoy his birthday cake.

Problem 2: The YMCA had no record of me booking a party. I got there about 9:40 - and nope, no party scheduled. The woman running the back building (hosts gymnastics and the rock wall wouldn't even let me *in* to set up, because she had no record of the party. Parents were starting to show up, and I couldn't even bring in the wrong cake.

Ok, more details to come - don't worry, in the end everything worked out fine... but it makes a better story to bitch about it.

Once Again

2008-02-26T06:55:00.000-08:00

Time has gotten away from me and I haven't posted. Maybe it's less about having the time to write this, as it is having the time to stop and look around long enough to have anything worthy *to* post.

I had plenty of time yesterday. My son stayed home from school for the first time. I spent the day with him, in mellow activities (nope, no TV - was never even turned on!) I felt like a real mom - something that I don't get too often.

By real mom, I mean one that's there all day long. Now I know that there are all kinds of parents in the world, and I do what I think is my best for my kids. But, I have to work. I have to get them up early every morning (that they're with me) so that I can take them to before-school care and be at work by 7:30. After school they take the bus to after-school care, because school is out at 2:45, and I can't pick them up until about 5:20. By the time we get home, bathed, homework done, and dinner eaten - it's bedtime, and the routine has to start again.

Not yesterday. S woke up with a headache and a fever, so some Tylenol for him, and a relaxing morning for all three of us (once the requisite calls were made to get someone else to open the building for me at work). The kids sat and ate breakfast together. We took A to school just in time for her to have some time to relax and get adjusted to class, but not be so early the school looks closed.

During the course of the day, S and I read, talked about math, science, his upcoming birthday, etc. I was amazed at how much he knows already. He spent hours on my lap, and others self-entertained. At 2:30, he and I left to walk to his school to pick up his sister. (No after-school care today, either!) The three of us walked home, I gave the kids a healthy afternoon snack (grapes for one, strawberries for the other), the kids played, read, (still no TV), and eventually earned some computer time. I made dinner, did laundry, met with the insurance adjuster (groan - another day for that story).

I did nothing amazing. Nothing out of the ordinary - so why did I feel like such a super-hero?

Once again I'm both jealous and amazed at my friends M and J, who knew this feeling all along and chose to be real moms to their kids.

Birthday Party

2008-02-20T06:52:00.000-08:00

I am frantically trying to figure out what to do for my son's birthday. Normally, I would plan a party months in advance, have it at my house, make WAYYYY too much food, have some games, some great prizes, and invite too many kids to come.

Well, this year, time got away from me. I have nothing planned.

I could still do a party at my house, but I don't want to. This party should prove to be very stressfull, and I don't want it at my house. I must include T. I must include T's parents. My parents will be in town. I choose to include D. I choose to includ D's parents (and sister and brother - who my kids just idolize). I choose to include D's daughter. I choose to include my friends.

Are you doing the math here? An ex set of in-laws, complete with ex-husband as well as my parents in the same location for any length of time is going to be enough to turn me into a creature that will resemble something out of mythical lore. The last thing I want to do is to do it in my house.

My house is my home, my santuary. Although there are occassional arguments that occur, my house is a place of peace and love. My house is the place where I get to watch my children learn and where they get to teach me valuable lessons. My home is where I get to spend quiet time with people I love. I don't want T. coming into my house and acting like a host. I don't want T. leading his parents around, talking to my friends, showing people where the bathroom is, and acting like he lives there. My house is where my family lives, and T and I haven't been family for many, many years.

So back to square one... what am I going to do for this birthday party???

The Weekend Approaches

2008-02-15T06:49:00.000-08:00

After a lovely, perfect Valentine's Day Night (otherwise known as Thursday), D says to me "We have so much to do and no time - ALWAYS!"

He is absolutely correct. It is now Friday. He and I together will put in somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 hours at work, then will race home. After quick showers, we'll be off again - this time to make some final preparations for his daughter's birthday. From there we will go to a hockey game, while we will wait for one of our cell phones to ring, signally the arrival of said girl.

We'll go get her, take her back to my house and attempt to get her settled in to go to sleep. I'm thinking this might take a while - all three of us will be excited, we haven't seen her in a couple of weeks.

Eventually we'll all conk out - and our day will start again with an 8:00 AM (Seriously, is this necessary?) basketball game. Then it's a few hours of just the three of us again, then time to pick up my munchkins from their dads. The three kids will play well, will squable, will make up, will argue again, and generally have a fantastic time.

On Sunday, we'll be celebrating a birthday, in a low-key fashion - just one activity and then off to the grandparents for dinner, cake and presents.

Somewhere in all there, groceries need to be purchased, meals need to be made, laundry needs to be washed, floors need to be vacuumed and bathrooms need to be cleaned.

Yep - so much to do - and no time. Always.

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T06:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, yes, it's Valentine's Day - happy, happy, hearts, kisses, love, love, love...

Now that we've gotten that out of the way...

Now you all know that I don't mean it. I love love. I love romance. I love flowers, and presents that sparkle. I love notes expressing undying love, and I love being told that someone loves me.

What I don't love is why it has to be on one specific day.

I like Valentine's Day, I do... but not if it's going to be a huge contrast between February 13th, February 15th, and March 27th, April 17th, etc., etc., etc.

I remember reading once that Valentine's Day was the original Mother's Day. That it was designed to show love to your mom. Not sure when Victoria's Secret joined the party, but for all our sakes, I'm hoping it's much, much later.

Yes, I got D a Valentine's Day card, two actually, but that's it. No extravagant presents, no flat-screen TV, no surprise trips to Venice. I'm hoping we'll have a nice evening together, shopping for his daughter's birthday presents, and ordering her birthday cake, talking to my kids on the phone... wait a minute - yep, that could be any other day.

That's a good Valentine's Day to me.

It's Been A While.

2008-02-12T06:43:00.000-08:00

I have returned!

Where have I been? At the annual Tucson Gem and Bead Show. This is nothing like any other trade show in the world. (This statement is based both on my own observations as well as what I hear from everyone else.)

With most trade shows, there's a convention center and all the relevant vendors set up and hawk their wares.

In Tucson, in February, there is something like 35 shows going on simultaneously. Oh sure, there's one at the convention center. There's another one at every major (and minor) hotel and resort in the city. As you drive down the freeway, you see miles and miles of white tents. All of them have hundreds of vendors with strands of semi-precious, fine gems, finished jewelry, baskets of silver, etc., etc., etc.

I'm there for a week every year, meeting my clients, selling my company. I enjoy it, I like the face to face contact with the names I know, but by the end of the week, I'm Jonesing pretty bad for those babies of mine.

This year, there was another dimension added into the mix. I never missed T when I travelled - NEVER. However, this year, D was back home, and I was missing him, too.

So what happens when I get back? I rush through the stuff I *had* to get done, and run over to the after-school care to see my kids. I missed them so much! Neither of them wanted to leave yet. Neither of them wanted to stop what they were doing when I got there. I had to practically beg for hugs and kisses.

No worries, though, my son told me later that he hugged the van, because he missed it.

What you didn't know...

2008-01-28T06:49:00.000-08:00

Inspired by the Fish.

I learned how to read at three. According to my mother, I was using chopsticks before I learned how to use a fork. My first memory is of my brother's blue comforter. I saw the movie "Grease" - 17 1/2 times in one year.

I thrive on compliments, even though I might argue with the person for giving them to me. A stubbly kiss on my neck can drive me absolutely insane.

I've been feeling a little homesick lately, for my friends in California and my family that has passed. I have really been missing my Grandparents and Great Aunt lately.

I'm very impatient, and want to draw things out at the same time. If I could have one superpower, it would be to skip ahead in time, find out how things are going to work out, then come back to the moment and savor the trip to the results.

I believe in signs - songs, books, things people say - I believe can all be messages from the universe reminding me of things I've forgotten, lessons I need to learn, or things I need to do to become a better person.

I fell in love with my children more than I ever thought I would - but it wasn't instantaneous. I was so overwhelmed and scared, that I kept thinking someone was going to come back and claim their child - as if I was a babysitter. I wanted four children, and it still makes me cry that I can't have anymore.

Ok-your turn... Dina, Melissa, Sadie, Debbie, Andy (sorry, ANDREW), consider yourselves tagged.

What's the difference...

2008-01-25T06:52:00.000-08:00

What is the difference between still and stagnant? Who gets to make that decision?

In our careers, some of us will stay in the same position for years. Is this still or stagnant? I'm not a sit still kind of person (I think we've established that). For years, I defined myself as a professional Swooper. I would come into a work situation - swoop in - solve whatever major problems they had been facing, reorganize, rethink, improve, and swoop out again. I know this makes me sound like I'm very high on myself. I don't think it was any given gift I posessed - but more of a set of fresh eyes, a willingness to try something new, and a bigger willingness to be wrong if it didn't work. For several years, I worked for an outsourcing company - that means that someone else hired us to run their technical support - in that time I did a lot of swooping. I was never bored. I was always busy. I moved, I travelled, I did anything the company wanted me too. Of course, at the time, I was single and childless. But I was never stagnant - nor still.

Now I get up and come to the same place every day, and have for just over four years. There are minor skirmishes to deal with. Small new projects to tackle. However, most of these I'm making up for myself. When I first got here, there was a lot of clean-up that needed to be done - there were areas that had to be completely reviewed. There probably still are - but not with the same level of urgency or excitement. I'm not in the same role I was in when I walked in the door - so I'm not still. Why do I feel stagnant?

In another world, another life, I'd probably be looking for something else right now. In another world, another life, I'd probably be looking for something else in other states, right now. However, in this world, this life, I have different responsibilities. To a home, to my children. Those things are never stagnant, but must keep me still.

Why?

2008-01-24T06:49:00.000-08:00

What makes us do the things we do?

This morning, I was happily lying in my warm and toasty bed. I have so much stuff that I need to do at home, and I was so comfy, and still tired, that I gave a few moments contemplation on staying home. I'm not sick, but spending the day at home instead of at work was SO tempting.

So why am I at the office? What's in me that refuses to allow me to play hooky from work? Is it the same thing in me that makes me a lousy liar? That makes me horrible at saying good-byes? Is it the same reason that I can't stand the squeak of green-beans, and thus refuse to eat them?

Where do our quirks come from? Can they be changed?

CRAP!

2008-01-23T07:04:00.001-08:00

I just wrote a very insightful and witty post, and managed to somehow delete it. CRAP!

Hmm... I just learned something about myself. Once I get out all the thoughts that have been pounding on the inside of my brain, I can't recreate them. So, to my legions of fans (I think there might even be 10 of you that check here regularly) I have to apologize, since I can't recreate the spew of insights that I already wrote down.

Instead I'll do a little recap of this month so far:

My birthday came and went - not the best day ever. D's daughter has been in town a lot - which has been WONDERFUL - and really hard. It's great to have her here, but so hard to say good-bye at the end of the visit. She cries, my kids cry... it's just really hard on all of us. My children have started basketball, and S is a star. A is playing this year, too, but so far - she doesn't have the real interest that he does. However, she will be starting dance next month, and she can't wait for that!

Coming Up: My annual business trip to Tucson, a visit from the parents, and my divorce should be finalized within the next three weeks.

Sitting Around

2008-01-16T06:49:00.000-08:00

I am not very good at it. Let's face it - I suck at sitting around.

Why?

Why do I always feel like there is something demanding my attention, and that it has to be dealt with? Oh sure, there's always something to do - don't get me wrong - but it will still be there the next minute, hour, day, right?

I get home from work, and I'm immediately on the go - between laundry, cleaning, other household chores, homework, food prep, consumption and clean-up, until I give myself permission to go to bed, the only down time I have is reserved for a bath.

Tonight, I'm taking a small break from all that and am going to have dinner with a friend. She, who shall remain nameless, as she is feeling quite guilty for forgetting my birthday a couple of weeks back, and I will enjoy a meal that someone else will prepare, someone else will clean up after, and I will also get the added benefit of knowing that someone else is paying for it, too.

Of course, that nice meal will have to wait until my 9 1/2 hour work day is done, the errands I need to run after work are completed, I regain ownership of Vinnie who is having his DVD player replaced, and... damn... here I go again!

I'm a Whore

2008-01-11T06:47:00.000-08:00

It's true. I'd like to go on record now as claiming through no fault of my own, the Public Library has made me a whore. I was happily content reading Eat, Pray Love, when lo and behold, the Library (heretofore known as my dealer) tells me to pick up my books and read them or else I'll lose them!

As I only have a limited time with the ones from the Library, and Eat, Pray, Love is on an indefinite loan from a friend, I've had to switch over. I finished the "Eat" section, and was getting ready to move with the author to India, but alas... I cannot.

Instead I'm now reading "Play Dirty", and while I'm not too far along, so far all I know is that an ex-football Quarterback, who was just released from prison was asked to sleep with a very wealthy man's wife (by the wealthy man) in order to impregnate her.

How come this shit never happens to me?

Definition

2008-01-09T06:47:00.000-08:00

Do possessions define you? Am I my house? Am I my car?

I bought a new car this past weekend. A birthday present, if you will. This is a very cool car. It's got all kinds of bells and whistles. I mean, come on, it has voice command, it knows 1,000 instructions. I can tell it to set the temperature to 74 degrees and it does. Hmm... why aren't there more people like that? I digress...

Here's my only problem with it. It's a mini-van. Minivan's have a bad rep. Did I just automatically turn into a Soccer Mom (or rather, since basketball practice starts today, did I turn into a Basketball Mom)? Or, was I one already, and know I'm just advertising it? Probably the latter. Ok, I admit it. I'm a nauseatingly proud parent - and now I have the car to match.

I'm turning in the Dodge Durango I've had for a few years now. That car was a denial of the soccer-momesque that lies within, but it still was a mom-car. Just a really big one, that ate lots of gas and scared the other cars on the road. Ok, so it was a bullying mom-mobile.

The new one is a Honda Odyssey, blue, and the kids think it's cool. His name is Vincent, but I call him Vinnie.

Come on, folks... Vincent... VanGogh????

I know, I know... it's bad - even for me.

Your Word

2008-01-08T06:50:00.000-08:00

My friend, Melissa, who has often proven to be quite a genius, recommended a book to me. It is called "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Now, I'm nearly through the "Eat" part of the book, and am enjoying it. The author is describing a year out of her life where she learns to focus first on pleasure, then on spirituality, then on how to live a life combining the two ideas.

The author occasionally hits on ideas and concepts that makes me put the book down, stare off into space and say, "huh". (Ok, the author is better versed than I).

Last night, while sitting next to D on the couch I had one of those "huh" moments. Here's the question: What is your word? According to the author's friend in Rome, every city, every home, and every person has one word that can sum up the aura of that entity. In the book, it is determined that Rome's word is "SEX", New York's word is "ACHIEVE", etc.., etc., The author is struggling to choose her word, but thinks "SEEK" might come closest.

I haven't fully narrowed down my word yet. The first one that came to my mind was "PASSION". Now, come on folks, passion isn't *all* about sex. For me, I have never been able to do things part-way. If I'm going to sign up for a class, I have to sign up, buy the books, and read the first 7 assignments before I even get there. If I'm going to have people over for dinner, I'm going to start thinking about the menu, plan the timing, hit the grocery store, get the food prepped, and drive everyone else crazy with questions about what they think. Hmm... maybe PASSION isn't the right word for me - maybe "JUMP" is - as I tend to jump into things with both feet - I'm not a test the water kinda gal (although I've tried to be...) "FAMILY" is huge with me, but I don't think I can claim that as my word either.

Hmm... the quest for the word has begun.

What's your word?

New Year's

2008-01-04T06:49:00.000-08:00

Ok, to continue the highlights from the last couple of weeks.

On the last Friday of the old year, I piled the kids in the car and we headed down to Phoenix to pick up D's daughter. From that moment on, the three kids didn't want to be apart. They had their slight squirmishes, but for the most part, they played games, ate, slept, and pretty much hung out in various combinations.

Oh, there was one other thing to keep in mind - both D and I were sick! (This is the cold that WILL NOT DIE!) So with slightly limited reserves, we were able to keep the three kids entertained, well fed, and happy for the four days we had together.

On New Year's Eve we headed over to TGD's house. Throw some more kids, more food, and noisemakers into the mix (Seriously, woman - did we need those FREAKIN' HORNS????), and the kids and grown-ups both spent some time celebrating. At 11:00 we called it "Kid New Year" and poured the cider. After that, D and I bundled our crew back in the car and headed home. Kids were in bed, I'd had a quick bath, more cider poured (and a glass of wine for me) and D and I were on the couch with 30 seconds to spare. A perfect way to bring in the new year.

I used to love New Year's Eve. To me, it was the perfect call of "Do-Over!". I have to say, however, that this was the first one in many years, that I felt optimistic of what was to come.

Oh yeah, and as for today, can we just ignore it?

Where Have I Been?

2008-01-03T06:50:00.001-08:00

Nowhere.

It's true. I have no decent excuses for not updating this Blog. My winter break came and went. Christmas came and went. New Year's came and went. My birthday looms (WAY, WAY too close).

I had a week and a half off of work. However, this was the year of the 30 minute vacation. I did get things done that needed to be done, but it never felt like I was on vacation. Between running errands, cleaning, cooking, laundry, doctor's appointments, kid stuff, work stuff (yes, even on vacation), it seems like I got my "time off" here and there - 20 minutes to read. 45 minutes to play a game. The time flew by.

Christmas with my closest was lovely. Being the nice guy that I am, I let T take the kids on Christmas eve, even though it was my day. However, I made it very clear that they were sleeping at *my* house, as Santa was coming there. The kids were nestled all snug in their beds, and that's when it hit me. The holiday skippies. I bounced around the living room, filling stockings, putting presents under the tree, scarfing down overly decorated cookies and ruthlessly chomping carrots. (The milk was left for D to drink - blech!)

The kids didn't wake up fast enough for the grown ups - who ever heard of such a thing??? so they were awakened with a whispered "Santa was here..." and out they bounded - paper was flying, stockings were emptied, items looked at and quickly discarded - however, all was well received (ok, maybe not the clothes or D's tupperware, but you know how that goes...)

A day or two later and the munchkins were returned to their father for a couple of nights.

The following Friday began the New Year's Weekend festivities, with one more child, twice as much fun, and lots more noise.

I'll think I'll save those stories for tomorrow. That way I can avoid thinking about the other thing that tomorrow brings...

I did It!

2007-12-19T06:49:00.000-08:00

I did it! I did it!

It was very early this morning, I was in a hot bath, and realized that I was happy in the moment I was in.

My children are healthy, happy, and seamingly well adjusted to their new life. My bills are paid, and there is still money in the bank. My job is going well, and I'm on vacation starting tomorrow. I like the people I work with and for, and I look forward to celebrating with them at our company party this evening. I have someone wonderful to share these holidays with, and hopefully many more. I have good friends, from coast to coast that I know I can call whenever I need them. My family is healthy, and my parents celebrated their 47th wedding anniversary yesterday.

While I have no way of knowing what the next year, next day, or even the next minute will bring, I am thankful for the moment I have now. And even more thankful that I was able to recognize it, and savor it.

Happy moments, everyone!

Santa Is Gonna Have A Hard Time This Year

2007-12-18T07:15:00.000-08:00

My daughter wants a girl dog. She wants Santa to bring it to my house, but then, we are supposed to take right away to Daddy's house, so that his dog has a new friend. Um...

My son wants a brother. He knows I can't have any more children, so he wants Santa to bring one. Um...

In The News

2007-12-13T06:56:00.000-08:00

My gorgeous boy was in the newspaper yesterday.

There is a tradition of the Principal of the elementary school reading each class a story on the day they trim the school's Christmas tree. However, this new principal likes to sing. So instead of reading a story, he sang to each class.

In the small town where we live, this is newsworthy. Ok, so it's 7th page of the 2nd section newsworthy, but newsworthy none-the-less.

A picture of the principal singing to some 1st graders was featured, and lo and behold, there was the most gorgeous MIT (man in training) I've ever seen. Should I be concerned that he appeared to be checking out the blonde sitting across from him rather than listening to the music?

Actually, the part I was more concerned about was that the principal sang the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause", which is actually one of my favorite Christmas songs ever. BUT (there's always a but isn't there?) is this the best song for this audience? How many of these kids are from broken homes where the only man momma is kissing is someone other than their father? (mine included) What about the fact that our children are growing up so much faster, questioning so much sooner, there is already doubt in my son that the Tooth Fairy is real - and he's questioning Santa, too.

So, in my typically over-analytical mind... Momma is either kissing some other man, who is in fact Santa, so momma is cheating... or momma isn't cheating, but then who the heck is Santa?

Aw, hell, who cares? My little boy is famous!

2007-12-11T06:46:00.001-08:00

On Saturday I went to the state-mandated class on parenting while divorcing. (Otherwise known as "How to Screw Up Your Children For The Rest Of Their Life 101.") T went to the class the previous week. When I asked him (still trying to be friendly!) how his class went, the first thing he told me was, "You're going to love this... you're not supposed to date for two years." I'm so glad that *this* was what he learned - that *I* wasn't supposed to be dating for two years. The other thing he got out of the class was that we should tell the kids together that we were getting divorced (more on that one later).

I went to the class. Did I ever hear that I wasn't supposed to be dating? Nope. In fact, I heard the opposite - they told us to go out, date, create a new life with new traditions for yourself. I was there with my friend, TGD, and she heard the same thing. We (TGD) and I talked about it, and we think T got the 2-year thing from the part that explained that it takes about 2 years to get all the way through the grief process for a divorce. However, T might have missed the other two key parts - that it starts when you actually start thinking about ending the marriage (which for me was 3 years ago) and that the person who files the paperwork (again, me) is usually at the end of the process.

So the point of this long and rambling story is actually (shocking, I know) yet another question. Did Troy get out of the class only what he was looking to hear? Did I do the same thing? Did TGD who is also in a relationship hear what I heard because she wanted to?

Do we all just hear what we want? When in an argument with someone are we just filtering through what the other person is saying to find kernals of information that will validate our own feelings? Can we ever be truly open-minded? In my own case, I find that I'm not really likely to change my mind to someone else's way of thinking in the course of a discussion. However, let it sink in long enough, let me marinate in it for a while, and I might just come around to your way of thinking. Perhaps that is true of most of us. To be honest, I hope so.

Oh, and back to the telling the kids about the divorce together, thing. I think what the class was getting at was that when you split up, you're supposed to give the kids a reason why and do it together. We did that. However, I don't think it's necessary to sit down with them again, and tell them that "we have filed the paperwork for dissolution of marriage". I know I'm not a child expert, but I do think that children ask the questions they are ready to hear answers to. I have always promised to answer every question they ask, whether or not I'm ready. For now, I think that's enough.

Happy Birthday to...

2007-12-04T06:51:00.001-08:00

Anyone but me!

I love birthdays, I really do. Every one but my own.

Yesterday we celebrated D's birthday in a very low-key style. Dinner with the kids, a present or two, and a blueberry cheesecake at the request of the honoree. On Saturday, his birthday continues with his family coming over for a nice dinner to celebrate.

Tomorrow marks another very special day. A very good friend of mine is celebrating her birthday tomorrow. Unfortunately, she's about 800 miles away, so I won't be able to celebrate with her. But happy birthday anyway, Alienbody!

People's birthdays stick in my head. October 7, December 15, September 9, October 15, March 9, February 18 - these are all birthdays of friends of mine - some of whom, I haven't seen in person for over 15 years!

I love to celebrate other people's birthdays. I often get accused of "going too far" - but when I can share in the recognition of Someone Else's birthday, I want to - as much as possible.

So why is it that I don't get as excited about my own birthday? Mine's now a month away. All I can think is "so what"? I've had some fun birthdays, but usually they've passed pretty much without any fanfare or (in some cases) even acknowledgement! Last year, my parents forgot my birthday for a couple of days. Now, at the time, my mom was fighting, really fighting just to make it another day, and my dad was right there with her, so no, the fact that they didn't call, was not held against them. In fact, when my dad *did* call, it was one of those rare times when he showed emotion towards me. That call will probably roam around in my memories for the rest of my birthdays.

I think the reason that my own birthdays fall short is that I tend to use them as a report card for the past year. How did I do on my journey? What positive changes did I make? What negative ones.

This has been a big year for change for me. Maybe this year, I should celebrate. Maybe this year, I'll recognize how far I've come, and I won't be disappointed.

How Do You Define Happy?

2007-11-28T06:54:00.001-08:00

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. What a crappy way to live.

I'm happy at the moment. My career isn't changing, but my company is busy and I have plenty of things to do at work. My kids are having their daily challenges, but I'm able to really see what great people they are turning into, with good values, quick brains, and open hearts. My home is a mess, but it's being appraised this afternoon, which is the last step (I believe) before it is refinanced in my name only, and truly becomes *my* house. My personal life is going well, with a man that I truly care for, even though we hit our rocky patches occassionally. (How can you not when one of you is fighting for custody and the other is going through a divorce?)

In writing this down, I've realized that I'm not being my usual overly Pollyanna self, that I'm seeing things realistically, but am still waiting. I'm waiting for my job to bore me again, my kids to get bratty, my home to need expensive repair, my personal life to fall apart, and my ex-husband to decide to fight me on the terms of our divorce.

Does anyone have the abilities to really live in the moment? To look around and say, "Yep - this is all I need" without looking for the pitfalls ahead? Can that be bottled?

More Time

2007-11-19T06:54:00.000-08:00

I need it. In the consumer-driven society that we live in, where everything is available for a price, how does one get more time?

I feel like I'm constantly watching the clocks and calendars right now. During the kid part of the week, I'm watching the clock to make sure we're getting everything done that needs to get done. Yesterday that included laundry, food, baths, homework, playtime, time to clean, more food, more playtime, and eventually mellow time in front of a movie. In the morning, I'm watching the clock to make sure I've got enough time to get the kids up, dressed, ready for the day, while still taking care of myself.

When I don't have the kids, I'm still trying to balance things. In the last non-kid week, I filed and served divorce papers, starting the refinancing on my house, began to think about starting my Christmas shopping, and even enjoyed an adult beverage (two of them, actually!)

My biggest concern is that I'm so busy watching the clocks and calendars that I'm not appreciating the now. When I catch myself, I can slow down, and enjoy the moment, but how much am I missing? How many extra opportunities for "I love you" and hugs and kisses am I missing, because I'm thinking about what has to happen next hour, the next day, the next week?

Needs

2007-11-16T07:20:00.000-08:00

Life was so simple, once upon a time. All I needed was my thumb to suck, a stuffed animal to cuddle and a book to read.

Today, I had different needs. I needed my denim skirt and shoes that make clicky-sounds. The shoes make me sound intimidating, and I needed that today. The skirt is a size 4, and it's loose on me. I needed that today, too.

Last night, T called me to tell me that he no longer was going to agree with our agreement on the house. (The agreement was made in 2004 when we split up, and it said that he gets 1/2 of the down payment of the house, but that's it.) He decided to tell me last night that he decided that wasn't fair anymore.

He made a few suggestions, which I did not like. One was to give him more money. One was to give him a percentage of the equity in the house as it was now. One was to give him a percentage of the equity in the house whenever I sell it. I understand that it's a community property state. I understand that LEGALLY he's entitled to half of the value of the house. However, let's revisit the reality, shall we?

We bought a house in California together, before we were married. I put down about 2/3 of the down payment, he put down about 1/3. We both were working. We had one child. We both were working. I paid about 60% of the mortgage, he paid about 40%. We had another child. He stopped working. I paid the bills. He stayed home three days a week with the kids, the other two I paid for a babysitter. I still paid the bills. We sold the house two years later and made some money on it.

We lived off that money for about 8 months, before we both found jobs in Prescott, where we live now. When we bought the house currently in dispute, we used the rest of the money from the house sale in California as the down payment. From that time, I paid the mortgage. Oh, there were a few months, where T made a moderate effort to help, he paid about 30% of the mortgage for about 3 months out of the first six. Then we split up, I paid the bills. He lived somewhere else for about a year, and I let him move back in. I paid the bills. After that, he was laid off. I paid the bills. He went back to work. I still paid the bills. I had the yard landscaped. I paid the bill. Things went wrong, I had them fixed. I paid the bills.

So our final agreement is that I will pay him the $28,000 we agreed on. I also agreed that if I sell the house within the next 5 years, I will have to pay him another $15,000.

The part of this that bothers me, is that he knows that he didn't pay for the house. He knows that he shouldn't have a claim on any equity from the house. However, the whole reason that he wants this agreement (I think) is so I don't sell the house and buy something new with anyone else.

Ok, the skirt and shoes are helping, but maybe a good thumb-sucking wouldn't hurt.

Paperwork

2007-11-15T06:45:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I met with the Certified Paper-Pusher yesterday. In the hour before I was going to see her, I was in a fantastic mood. I felt like a kid before Christmas. Why? I mean, technically, shouldn't there be some sadness? Some regret? Why am I feeling so good about my marriage ending? I know, it's been over for a very long time. Everyone knew it. I knew it. T knew it. The kids knew it. I think the mailman knew it.

Anyway, I meet with her, she checks through my paperwork, rewords a little bit here and there. Puts all my forms in order - tells me how many copies of each section I need, explains the time-line, tells me what I need to do next. Made life very easy.

So, here's what has to happen now. I have one more section to complete (it's only 2 pages), and then I get to file the paperwork and pay the $226.00. At that time, I get to sign up for the state-mandatory parenting class. Then T needs to be served. The easiest way to accomplish this, is for him to go with me to the courthouse and sign the acceptance of service (as well as the custody and parenting plan). Both of these things have to be signed in front of a notary or court deputy. The next best option is to just hand him the stuff, have him sign it in front of a notary himself, and file it at the court. Here's the problem there - what if he doesn't do it? What if he just sits on the paperwork? The mandatory waiting period is 60 days. It doesn't start until he is officially served (which means - his signature is notarized!) The least favorable option (at least for me) is to have him served by the Sherriff's department or a Process Server, this would have to be done at his place of employment, since when he's home, it's either at night or when he has the kids. Neither would be a really nice thing to do.

So, when leaving the office of the paralegal yesterday, still riding my really good mood, I called T. Of course, that was a mood killer. He was not willing to commit to meeting me at the courthouse. He said "we'd talk about it". Silly me, I thought that's what we were doing on the phone.

It's now Thursday morning. I'm filing the paperwork tomorrow. I still don't know if it's going to be a voluntary service, or if I'm going to have to have him served.

Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day. I'm (hopefully) starting my divorce waiting period, signing up for my parenting class, and then going to my son's Thanksgiving play, where he is in the pivoting role of "Narrator #1". I'm quite sure it will be Tony-worthy.

Oh, to be a fly...

2007-11-14T06:53:00.000-08:00

I don't know exactly what happened.

I know that T and D met and had dinner together. I know that D.'s intentions were to give T. the chance to ask him anything, to make him feel better about the fact that his children were going to be around another man. I know that D. also made it pretty clear that the driving by my house (a.k.a. stalking) has to stop, and that it was making me uncomfortable. I know that T. did his usual thing and wasn't totally honest. He told D. that I asked him to run his name or check him out through the P.D. (Hello? If that was the case, why would I not give him his full name???) He told D. that he never cheated on me (but even D. could tell he was lying on that one). I know that T. asked D. more personal questions than he should have.

I don't know what the results are going to be. I just hope that things can move quietly forward. This afternoon, I'm meeting with a "Certified Document Preparer" to go through my divorce packet and make sure it's complete and ready to go. I want to get it done and over with.

Time to move forward.

WTF?

2007-11-13T07:01:00.000-08:00

What happened to my nice peaceful life?

Yesterday I was in a great mood. I was a little tired, but I was happy. During the course of the day, I got some very sweet text messages, got to give my hard-working employees some really good news, got to hear about a new account at work that's got the potential to be HUGE, and picked up my gorgeous (although very dirty) kids from day camp. (No school - Veterans Day).

The kids wanted to invite D over for dinner, for one of their favorite meals (a really quick soup that we make together), so we had a very nice evening, with soup, salad, bread, and fruit, nice conversations, and hugs and kisses before bed.

Then the shit hit the fan.

Ok, so that might have been when it hit, but we didn't really know it until later.

D and I hung out for a while last night, and fell asleep for a little while. At 10:30, D went to leave and I walked him to the door. My phone had a little red light on it, and there was a text message waiting for me. It said: "S's book is on the bench as are the gold dollars. Thank you for slowing things down. Spare me the only over for ten minutes speech. We need to talk!"

Ok, so let's break this down, shall we?
S's book is on the bench as are the gold dollars.

Around 8:00 last night, T decided to "swing by" the house to drop off our son's library book and a few golden dollars (tooth fairy money - we're getting close). He saw D's truck.

Thank you for slowing things down.

I didn't say that I was slowing things down. When meeting with T to go over our divorce packet, I asked him if there was anything I could do to make this easier on him. I was told things were moving too fast for him (not just the divorce, but my relationship too.)

Spare me the only over for ten minutes speech.

I told him that D sometimes came over after the kids fell asleep, but it started out as 10 - 15 minutes, just to say good-night and sometimes pick up some leftovers for lunch. I didn't tell him that was still the case. However. the fact that he knew that D was there for more than 10 minutes means he has now started WATCHING my house.

Apparently, he wasn't watching the house, but he came *back* by the house after going to Wal-Mart.

Anyway, there were several long converations on the phone. Me and T. Me and D. and yes, then D. and T.

Tonight should prove to be entertaining yet again. T and D are meeting for coffee to talk.

Speaking of coffee...

Phases

2007-11-08T07:02:00.001-08:00

Every new relationship has to go through the phases, right? The just getting to know each other phase, the learning about each others pasts phase, the "let's go out" all the time phase, the "let's stay in" all the time phase (wink, wink), the "what do you want to do tonight" phase.

Well, there's another one. At least there is in my life.

Poor D was introduced to the "Liz is on meds" phase. I had a migraine last week and another one forming yesterday. No big deal, I have medication for 'em. The problem is, that in order to break the cycle of the migraines, I have to take a complete dose of the medicine. A complete dose take me 4 hours, and since the pills make me tired and loopy, staying awake and REMEMBERING to take them every hour is a challenge.

My whole life, I have been very sensitive to medications. I've hallucinated on codeine, sudafed and vicodin. I've had complete conversations in person and on the phone while on medication, and not remembered a thing.

I *think* I remember everything from last night, but can't really be sure. I know that I wasn't my brightest, my wittiest, or my most entertaining self. Hopefully, I also wasn't my drooliest, slurriest, or sloppiest self either.

On the good hand, the migraine seems to be gone, just a little medication hang-over this morning. Being a light-weight kinda sucks!

Doing The Right Thing

2007-11-06T06:48:00.000-08:00

I always figured it was supposed to be pretty black and white. You're a good person, so you always do the right thing. If you know what the right thing is, you do it.

So why does doing the right thing have to suck so often?

Being honest is the right thing, right? What about when that honesty ends up hurting a friend? What about if that honesty changes things irrevocably? Still, it's the right thing to do, right?

When your soon-to-be ex-husband wants to talk - you do it because it's the right thing to do. You sit and listen to all his worries and concerns, you set him straight on the stuff you know, offer opinions on the stuff you don't, and in the end you're going to do what you're going to do anyway, right?

A very good friend of mine, was facing this dilema last week: when a child's father wants to see the child, you allow it because it's the right thing. It doesn't matter that the father of the child isn't a "dad" by any stretch of the imagination. It doesn't matter that the child has found a "dad" in someone else. It doesn't matter that everyone would like to pretend that the "dad" in question was also the father. We have to do the right thing for our children.

So how come it is so easy for other people to *not* do the right thing. How can there be people in the world for whom, doing the right thing for anyone else is not even a recognized function? How can we all be so fundamentally different? Are we created that way? Is it learned behavior? Back to the age-old question - is i nature or nurture?

I would love to hear your thoughts on this one. Please feel free to comment.

Where does it all come from?

2007-11-05T06:38:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to believe in elves. Not necessarily the kind that come in and make shoes, spin straw into gold or even the kind that help out Santa. I'm convinced, however, that there are mean little people somewhere - that sneak into my house and make piles of laundry.

How else can one woman and two children go through so many clothes? Yesterday, inbetween making dinner, dessert, going out for lunch, playing with the kids at their school, overseeing homework and cleaning a bathroom - I managed to do four loads of laundry. Sure, you'd think I was done, now, right? Nope. I still need to run the kids clothes tonight, and I didn't even tackle any of the sheets or towels yet!

Personally, I think if the Elves can come in and make laundry - there should be Sprites that come along and wash it (and dry it, put it away, etc.) and while they are at it - they should clean the other bathroom, too!

1 vs. 100

2007-11-02T07:53:00.000-07:00

No, not the game show.

Here is my question for today. Why is it that you can get married by filling out one simple form, but in order to get divorced you get a 3 pound packet of paperwork to complete?

I picked up this packet a couple of days ago, and I've done a little work on it daily since, but I've barely made a dent. This this is so huge, so daunting - is that the idea? Make sure they *really* want it by burying them in paperwork?

The good news, is that I did tell T that I picked up the packet, and hoped that once I got through as much of it as possible, we'd be able to sit down and go through the rest. I'm hopeful that we can be friendly enough and stick to the agreements we had in place. Unfortunately, I'm seeing friends of mine, in various stages of divorce, finding that things didn't go the way they had planned.

Keep good thoughts in your head for me, and I'll keep Neosporin and band-aids around for all those paper cuts I'm sure to earn.

I thought I Knew What To Do

2007-10-29T07:52:00.000-07:00

I had it in my head - when I became single, I knew how I was going to handle it. I knew how I was going to keep things simple, easy for my children. I wasn't going to let them get attatched to any man I was seeing. Hell, I wasn't even going to let them know I *was* seeing anyone!

So much for the best laid plans, right?

The last time I was separated my children were toddlers. I had more options about their exposure. Now, they're too smart, and too old, and all my plans are worthless.

I Should Have Been..

2007-10-27T15:44:00.000-07:00

I should have been an Italian Grandmother.

Why do I always want to feed people? My mom wasn't the greatest cook. She could cook when she wanted to, she just never wanted to. My grandmother (on my father's side) was a good cook - but she could only make a handful of things. I knew that on every trip, I'd get her chicken salad, her sweet & sour meatballs, and her chicken soup. My grandmother on my mothers side, must not have been much of a cook at all, I can't remember ever eating anything other than breakfast at her apartment.

So, where does my need to cook for other people come in?

As I write this, I've got glazed pecans wrapped up and ready to go, mushroom-pastry puffs cooling down and orange merringue cookies in the oven. This is all to take to a party, where I am a guest.

Tomorrow, I've invited people for dinner - I don't know how many yet are coming, but at this point, there is going to be somewhere between 6 - 9 people for dinner. Only three live here.

I am never more at ease then when I'm cooking, unless it's after the first tase test, and I know that people are enjoying it. I think that's the key, I only like to cook for people who appreciate it. They get nourishment from my food, I get nourishment from their compliments and yummy noises.

Once upon a time, I considered making food my career. I changed my mind when I realized that it took what I loved to do for me, cooking, and turned it into work. Maybe I missed my calling, maybe I could have been the next Gordon Ramsey. Nah... I'll stick with what I do - make people tasty, healthy, meals and snacks.

Maybe one of my kids will pick it up from there... then I can sit back and make yummy noises.

Baby Blue

2007-10-26T07:40:00.001-07:00

Today we are having a "party" at the office.

The VP looks like she is going to pop soon, she's carrying her first child. I'm thrilled and happy for her, but yes, a little jealous, too.

I have the two greatest children any mom could hope for. I know that. Does that make me shallow to regret not being able to have any more?

I'm getting divorced from their father, I am not looking to get married again, and I don't even know that I would want any more, but the option to do it has been taken from me, and even now, two years later, it gets to me sometimes.

Being pregnant was the most magical time in my life. I guess it's just hard to really say goodbye to that feeling.

Here's hoping to other magic in my future.

Holidays

2007-10-25T09:11:00.001-07:00

It's official. The holidays are almost here. How the hell did that happen?

Next week is Halloween. Next month is Thanksgiving. The month after that is Christmas. Holy shit!

This year the holidays will be a little different for me. This year, T will have the kids on Halloweeen and Thanksgiving, and I will have them on Christmas and New Year's. This is not by any great planning, it just worked out that way, as he has to work on Sunday - Wednesday.

I don't mind being on my own for Thanksgiving - although, I'm not sure I'll manage to stay alone that day. I do, however, feel for the kids - they will be spending Christmas just with me. They have a great big family about an hour away, who will be doing their annual "do" - but they won't be included because their mom won't be invited and their dad will be working. I'm just going to have to find some other way of making it special for them (and no, I don't mean overload on presents - not my style!)

Today marks another kind of celebration - but it's not mine to share. However, to the person involved, know that I will never forget this day, and that I'm so happy you've made it through so far. More to come, I know, but celebrate your successes as they happen.

100th

2007-10-24T07:52:00.000-07:00

This is my 100th post on this Blog.

In the big picture, that's not a whole lot. It sure feels that way, though.

100 posts ago, I was living in an unhappy marriage, fat, disatisfied with my life, my home, my job, my marriage, my body, myself.

100 posts ago I was in fear. Fear of living alone, fear of not being alone, fear of ruining my children's lives in exchange for some happiness of my own.

100 posts ago I wasn't sure my mother would survive the year. 100 posts ago I didn't know how my father truly felt about her, or me. 100 posts ago I thought I knew everything there was to know about my family.

100 posts ago, I was depressed, sick, lethargic and tired of all of it.

100 posts ago I was lost.

Thank you to my friends and family for making this journey with me, helping me find my way out of the dark, and helping me to live again. I'll never have the right words to explain what your love and support have meant to me.

Hugs

2007-10-23T07:49:00.000-07:00

Is it wrong to get so giddy over a few hugs?

My son has always been a daddy's boy. He and T would always feel closer than he and I. T would play more with him, while I would teach more. T would roughhouse, I would read. T would let him watch television, I'd play boardgames. It always seemed to me that T was the preferred parent, and although I didn't like admitting it, deep down, I was ok with it, because he knew that he was a well loved litle boy.

It seems to me that things have shifted. While he still loves his father a great deal, it seems like things are swinging in another direction. For the last few days, instead of putting up with a kiss or a hug for me - he's asking for his "good night squish". Yesterday, he missed the bus after school and called me to come pick him up. When I called T, to let him know that I was on my way, he didn't know anything about it. I figured that when S called me, and my voicemail picked up, he would have called his daddy. He didn't. He just waited a minute and called me again.

This morning, at the morning drop off, he took his backpack from me, took his dollar for the buck club (before school care) and threw himself into my arms for a hug.

Please understand this isn't a competition - I don't have to be the favored parent - but it is just another sign to me that S and A are adjusted and happy. There's nothing else I want more.

The Journey

2007-10-22T07:54:00.000-07:00

I was looking back at the past this weekend, through pictures and blog entries and I truly began to realize how much my life has changed.

Let's step into the Way-Back machine!

Not everyone knows this, but I was married years ago, when I was young and stupid. (As opposed to the less-young and less-stupid that I am now.) Although the marriage was a big mistake, it put me on the path that I'm on now - and in a way, I can't help but wonder what if...

My first husband, M, had quite a temper. Let's just keep it to being married was hazardous to my health, and leave it at that. When I left him, I did so because I realized I would never trust him around children, which I knew I would want. However, I left him when I was living in a state where I knew nobody else. I ran away to New York City, where I stayed on my very patient sister's couch for three months. After that, I moved down to Maryland, where I knew one person. I lived there for six months, then moved back to California.

When I moved back to California, I was a different person. I had proved to myself that I was strong enough to stand on my own. Good thing, too, as a few years later, I found myself moving yet again, to another town where I didn't know anyone, this time in Oregon. A year after that, I was moving again - this time to the Sacramento area in California, where I knew nobody. (These moves were all for my career).

In Sacramento, I dealt with various challenges professionally, and personally, and made it through all of them. Along the way I met, married and had children with T. We moved to Arizona a few years later and well... here I am.

The point of this is that - it took some really tough times to figure out that I could handle them, and now that I'm having some really good ones, I thought it was a good idea to remember that. Right now, I'm happy. I have a job I enjoy, a great relationship with my children, a home I'm proud of, friends I love. I'm sure that tough times are lurking around another corner, but I know now, that I can face them, and that there are bright points just beyond.

Huh, What?

2007-10-18T07:51:00.000-07:00

I am so scatter-brained this morning.

Here it is, not even 8:00, and I've already done the following:

1) Nearly forgot my lunch (went back in the house to get it)
2) Couldn't find my keys.
3) Programmed my slow-cooker to make my world-famous chili, but left the house before pressing "start" - drove away. Drove back, because I'm thinking I'd have a contract out on me if I ruined that chili.
4) Forgot my son's hat.
5) Forgot today's date.
6) It's taken me a really long time to even write this so far, because I keep using the wrong words (even this sentence had to be edited twice).

It's going to be a tough day.

F Replacement Therapy

2007-10-17T07:58:00.001-07:00

I have figured out the secret.

People do not need sleep or food. All you need is friends, fun, flirting, and french kissing. :)

Apparently...

2007-10-16T07:52:00.000-07:00

Being an adult is like being a teenager. Who knew?

Now that I'm back out in the adult world, I feel more like a kid than ever. Late nights, talking, texting, spending hours on the phone - I can't remember when I seemed to need less sleep, and I'm still in a good mood every day. Add the occassional adult evening out, the glass of wine, or Sunday afternoon champagne, and I wonder what I was missing for all that time.

In fact, there was a very telling conversation at my office yesterday. I was in a good mood yesterday morning, but really didn't know why. A few ideas were tossed out as to why I was so happy, but no, I didn't get laid. Finally, one of the ladies I work with made a comment - and hit the nail on the head. She said, "You're having fun, right?"

That's why I was in such a strange mood - there hasn't been much fun in my life for the last several years.

Welcome back, fun, I missed you!

Sports and Men

2007-10-12T07:08:00.000-07:00

I like sports. I always have. Once upon a time, I had two male roommates. I thought it was very funny, that on the rare occassions that we would get a Sunday paper, one would go for the comics, one would take the Science section, and I'd grab the sports page.

I'm not fanatical, but I do love to watch sports live. I can take it or leave it on television, usually. I'll have it on, but then I'll be doing other things, too.

It occurred to me last night as I was watching the Diamondbacks lose game one in the series, that I don't enjoy sports as much when I'm not single. Why is that?

I remember when I was first dating, T. He came over one night, and was surprised that I had a boxing match on the TV. However, as the years went by, he was the one camped out in front of the television and I was leaving the room. Why didn't we watch sports together? Why did his desire to watch sports incessantly take mine away? Ah-hah... I think I figured something out... maybe it was the fact that he'd rather watch sports (ANY SPORTS) than spend any time with me. Maybe that's what happens, maybe I resented it so much that I would giveup something I liked doing, just in the hopes of getting attention.

Damn, what am I a child? Oh well, one more lesson learned, right?

For those keeping count

2007-10-11T07:56:00.000-07:00

I might have to give back a few credits towards my "super-mom" award.

Somehow, I managed to catch a cold (or a cold managed to catch me), so instead of a nice, healthy home-made dinner, my children were given kid's meals from Burger King. (In my defense, they do get milk instead of soda, and applesauce instead of french fries.) Their dinner was supplemented with a banana, and then dessert (ice cream sandwhich for one, popsicle for the other.)

Then, just to seal the deal, after their very healthy dinner, they were cleaned up, teeth brushed, and into jammies, where, I'm ashamed to say, all three of us sat on the couch for half and hour and watched, of all things, Pokeman. I've never seen a Pokeman show before, and I can't say I understood it. However, for me, I was mostly "watching" with my eyes closed. On one side, I had my sweet little girl, all curled up against me. On the other, my big little man, holding my hand with both of his.

However, just in case you're thinking all my previous hard work was for naught - my daughter asked me this just before bed. "Mom, when can we clean the bathroom again?"

I've still got it... even with a night of mental and culinary garbage.

Does a Manual Come With This?

2007-10-10T07:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, as you all well know, I've recently joined the ranks of single-hood again. It's been a long time, and I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.

How long does it take before you see the real person? How long before you start revealing your own quirks and oddities? When is it ok to voice your opinion in your usual way? How long does a gal have to wear make-up? When I shave my legs before a date, does that still mean something? When are you supposed to reveal that you have a proclivity for push-up bras? Is a woman supposed to have condoms? (The last ones I had - expired!)

Well, my dear readers, at least my discomfort and potential humiliation will make for interesting reading material, right?

Which comes first?

2007-10-08T07:56:00.000-07:00

In a strange conversation last night, I was accused of giving "management style answers" to direct questions. While I stated, and still maintain that my answers were straight-forward, I wondered for a quite a while... which comes first?

Am I a manager because I have the characteristics to make me a manager, or do I have the characteristics because I've been a manager for so long?

I was given my first management job when I was still in college, and I was managing a group of people in an answering service (little did I know that that was the first step to a long career in technical call-centers, but I digress). At that time, was I already destined to be in management for the rest of my career?

I do know that I tend to manage outside my office, as well. I do use some of the techniques that I've learned over the years in conflict resolution, problem solving, and rational thought.

However, I do believe that I give direct answers to direct questions - at least to the best that I know how to do it. Often times, I'm not avoiding an answer, but my own answers are vague, because I realy don't know!

And, D, I still don't have an answer to that last question of the evening!

I survived!

2007-10-05T07:28:00.001-07:00

I made it through my first - first date in well, a very long time.

I did have the advantage of having met him before (let's just say small town and children the same age, and leave it at that). It was a little nerve-wracking - and probably a film director's dream. I was already feeling self-conscious, the last one to arrive, and my dinner companions were nice enough to leave me the spot to sit which - and I'm not being metaphoric here, had a spotlight over it.

It was a little awkward at first, but the conversations eventually warmed up and we were able to relax and enjoy the evening. (I'm thinking the glass of wine didn't hurt at all.)

However, I have to say that I got the biggest laugh of the evening out of my friend, Dina, one of the two behind this whole thing. The check came, and I, as is my wont, attempted to pay for my share. I was refused - and as we went back and forth on the money thing, Dina tells me, "Be a lady and take the money!"

I don't think those words have ever been put together in such a way before.

Names and Titles

2007-10-03T07:53:00.000-07:00

A brief IM conversation last night, led me to thinking about names and titles. How many of them I've held over the years. This is what I've got so far:

Daughter, friend, best friend, girlfriend, lover, fiancee, wife, ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, boss, employee, colleague, granddaughter, great-niece, aunt, sister-in-law, step-sister-in-law, sister, Lizabeth, Liz, Lis, Beth, Flopsy (thanks, John), Munchkin, Honey, Hon, Babe, daughter-in-law, step-daughter-in-law, M's wife, T's Wife, two different Mrs. XXX's, Ms. X, Miss X, and then we hit my favorite section, momma, mommy, mom, mother.

Somewhere in there is a definition of who I am. I just need to work on the balance.

Weekend Dichotomy

2007-10-02T08:28:00.000-07:00

It was a fantastic weekend. I went to Northern California for a wedding and to catch up with some friends that have sadly fallen away.

I flew from Phoenix to Oakland on Thursday night, and the first thing I was fascinated by was the sky. I grew up in the Bay Area, I was so used to the way the sky was, that I must have never seen it. So I was rather amazed to find that it doesn't get dark in the Bay Area anymore (if it ever did). The combination of fog, smog and city lights, just prevent the sky from ever getting past a muddy brown color.

Where I live now it's "black-dark" (my daughter's words) by 8:30. Unless of course, you count the stars... there weren't any there.

Ok, so sky aside, I had an amazing time. I got to visit with friends, have adult conversations, have adult beverages, partake in adult activities - it was the first time I had travelled on a plane without my children since their conception.

On the flight home, I was feeling really torn. Torn from really enjoying being an unencumbered adult for a few days, and missing my children. I was feeling guilty for having such a good time without them, and perhaps guilty for not missing them enough; for being disappointed that this mini-break had to come to an end and that I would once again be thrown back into the sea of homework, chores, nagging, and putting my wants and needs completely on the back burner.

I'm not a religious person, at all, but whoever created children the way they did knew what they were doing.

As we were reading our homework on Sunday evening. My daughter, A, was reading me her poem book. She read the first poem (my favorite) which says "I am not a crocodile; I am not a bee; I am not a monkey; I am Me!" She showed me the picture of herself she drew with the poem, but she drew herself with long black hair (she's very blond). Her reason? "I wanted to be like you, mommy."

I'm back where I belong.

A Little Validation Goes a long way.

2007-09-26T07:49:00.000-07:00

Last night it was Tuesday. On Tuesdays, kids eat free at our local Denny's. Now, I really don't like Denny's - even if I'm not in one of my eating healthy moods, I really don't like Denny's. Therefore, it goes without saying that my children LOVE Denny's.

I was worn out from the day yesterday, and didn't have any genius inspirations for dinner, so I decided I'd take advantage of the kid's eating for free, thing. (The three of us ate dinner for $13).

However, it wasn't the food that provided sustenance for me.

While we were waiting for the waitress to bring our meals, I took advantage of the time and we did our homework. (Yes, at this age, it's *our* homework). First S read his book (he's gone up another level, now - he's at 13), then A read her library book (with a lot of help from big brother). We talked about both books, ensuring comprehension.

Our meals came, and we began. Not once, not twice but *three* times during the course of our dinner we were given compliments. The first came from an older lady that was sitting across from us - she came to tell S & A what good readers they were and how well they did their homework. The second came from an elderly women with a heavy accent to tell me what beautiful children I have, how golden A's hair was (then of course she looked at me, and just assumed that I was borrowing her, I guess), and she had to touch A before leaving. The final came from the waitress herself, who was obviously impressed with the children's manners (they remembered most of their pleases and thank-yous, and even remembered to thank mommy for dinner). Her comment to me was, "You're a wonderful mother... hardest job in the world, and you're just great."

Did I mention how much I love Denny's?

The Name Game

2007-09-20T16:55:00.000-07:00

Blog, Blog, Bo Bog, Banana Fanana Fo Fog, Mi My Mo Mog - Blog!

Stolen from here.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)
Bambi Durango

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Half Baked Macademia Nut
(Wow – doesn’t that just inspire fear?)

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Purple Puppy
(um… yeah…)

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Mara Mt. Kisco
(Ok, I kinda like that one)

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)
Zim-Li

6. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
The Blue Wine
(nope, doesn’t work)

7. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Sydney Maurice
(Ok, that works)

8. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy)
Summer Godiva
(Ok, some of that was abbreviated to make it work)

9.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names )
Beth Neal
(Wait, couldn’t that be my porno name???)

10. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Hinckley Houston
(Eww… I wouldn’t like that)

11. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
Spring Rose
(well, technically Spring Fire and Ice Rose)

12. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”)
Apple Shorty

13. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
Coffee Willow

14. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)
The Cooking Wind Tour

Every Minute

2007-09-20T08:01:00.001-07:00

Was it W.C. Fields that wrote "There's a Sucker Born Every Minute". Well, apparently I am one of them.

I bought new toothpaste last night. Because it was purple.

Seriously.

Flying Time

2007-09-19T08:00:00.001-07:00

I know we've all heard that "Time Flies When You're Having Fun" - but who knew that the secret to making time pass was a separation?

Seriously, I can't keep up with *how* fast time is swooshing past me. I don't know if it's because my weeks are now divided into two chunks - the "with kids" chunk and "without kids" chunk. Maybe it's because I have so much more stuff to do that I just don't have time to look at a clock? Maybe it's because I'm feeling good and energetic and using every minute I've got.

All I do know is that today is Wednesday, and I sent my kids off to school this morning, knowing that I won't see them again until Saturday. It's getting easier to do this, but I still don't really look forward to Wednesday mornings. Wednesday evening is usually spent on a trip to the library, a visit at a friends' house, some housekeeping at home. This week, Thursday evening will be another visit at a different friends house. Friday evening will be some girly time, and Saturday is pretty much booked up with errands, soccer games, and kid-prep work, since they come home again on Saturday evening.

See what I mean? In a blink of an eye it's going to be Sunday again.

Spelling Lesson

2007-09-17T08:14:00.000-07:00

I learned something valuable about myself this weekend. I've learned about something that really pisses me off.

I hate when people assume to think that they know me better than they do. I hate hearing things like "but you don't like to do that..." and "you love that!"; "since when don't you want to..." or "you meant to say... " - NO! NO! NO!

I am not a child. I am not in the same mood every day. I may have liked something in the past, that doesn't mean I like it today! I don't want to be pinned down!

Here's the crux... the more I have people telling me what I do and don't like - I've found the more secrets I tend to keep. Not really beneficial for healthy relationships - but I just hate having things assumed about me.

So, just in case anyone needs reminding - here's a friendly little spelling reminder - everytime you ASSUME you make an ASS out of U and ME.

When is it OK?

2007-09-14T07:56:00.000-07:00

I am a huge multi-tasker. I am usually to be found doing at least three different things at the same time. Whether it's at the office or at home, I can't sit still terribly well. Hell, even as I write this, I'm doing a few other things.

HOWEVER - today's question - why is it that all of a sudden I'm noticing multi-tasking in the worst possible situations?

In the last few days, I've seen people talking on their telephone while driving (ok, I know, this is a mild infraction); texting messages to someone while driving (two thumbs working the phone, knee on steering wheel); and my favorite - the gold-medal winner - reading, talking on the phone and driving all at the same time! (And the crowd goes wild...)

Is there a coincidence that all three of these cars needed some body work?

Is it just me - or do you ever feel the urge to tell someone to "PUT DOWN THE DAMN PHONE AND DRIVE!!!"?

Gift Etiquette

2007-09-12T07:58:00.000-07:00

I love presents. Big or little, inexpensive nothings, or pretty things that sparkle and are associated with the word 'carat' - I love them all.

However, what is the etiquette for receiving a gift when you really don't deserve it?

Here's the specifics:

An old friend of mine sent me a gift. This is someone that I dated in HIGH SCHOOL - saw once or twice in the years following, and whom I've had sporadic e-mail contact with ever since. Oh, I still very much enjoy our conversations on IM and e-mail, we share joys and sorrows regarding our relationships and children, and I still consider us friends, even though I probably wouldn't recognize him if he was sitting next to me on an airplane.

However, this very sweet person sent me a gift to make me feel better about my impending divorce - to help me through. Here's the problem - I feel better than I have in years! I'm enjoying my home life again - even if I am a bit reluctant to leave my house. My children seem to have adjusted well, no fall-out (yet) that I can tell.

So, aside from the thank you note, which can't even begin to explain how nice a thought it was - what can I do? Please don't tell me not to keep the present - presents come along too rarely in this world, and I'm keeping it!

Why?

2007-09-10T10:33:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or is this definitely not a sign of progress?

It may be hard to tell from this picture - but this is the newest version of Monopoly. The gimick - there's no money. Everything is done on your "Visa" debit card. How does this annoy me? Let me count the ways:

1. I think board games are a fantastic way for kids to learn - they start out learning to take turns, learning to be gracious winners and good losers, they learn counting, reading, logic, and yes - MATH skills.

2. Aren't we enough trouble as a credit-card dependent society? How many people are living beyond their means? The average American household carries $8,000 in credit card debt. Granted, I don't believe the game allows you to "spend" money you don't have - but the concept scares me.

3. As a kid - being the "Banker" in the Monopoly game was an honor that always went to the oldest child. Being the youngest, I never got to be banker unless I was playing with friends - not family. Where is that right of passage going to go - if you're just sliding a card through a machine?

Now, I haven't seen the game in person, and I don't really know how it works. My outrage is based on a commercial and a reading of the game description. Not enough to be considered an expert- but I never claimed to be.

I can, however, safely say that I will not be buying a copy of this game - with cash or credit.

Virtual Life

2007-09-07T09:30:00.000-07:00

I managed to have a complete evening without ever leaving my house!

I had dinner with a friend. Well, technically, I had dinner with a friend. She was on one end of the phone, and I was on the other, and I was eating - munching in her ear. Aside from the long pauses while I was taking drinks of my lemonade - we had a great conversation, so that counts, right?

Oh, and for the rest of the evening, well, let's just say the phone has many uses...

Motivation and Rewards

2007-09-06T11:21:00.001-07:00

I'm obsessed with rewards right now. I believe that they work well, and I'd much rather reward for good behavior than punish for bad behavior.

However, while I'm pretty good at coming up with rewards for everyone else - I find that I can't self-motivate with rewards. The main reason is that all the things I can think of require money, and I just don't have any. I'm trying so hard to be fiscally responsible, even though I've got those pretty little plastic cards calling my name. There are books I want, toes to be painted, restaurants to try - but I'm tempered by the lack of actual cash in my checking account. Damn It!

Damn It, Do I Have To?

2007-09-04T09:03:00.000-07:00

Grow Up, that is.

My last post was about the weekend from the mom perspective. What I left out was the part of the weekend before my kids came home.

I addressed two fears on Saturday - old age and perception.

Fear # 1 - I set up a new IRA account. I have a 401 (K) that's sat around for years and years. I don't think about it - I don't look at my investments, I don't really do anything with it. I opened it when I was with a company years ago, as it was just one of those benefits that come with the job, and since I left that company 5 years ago, I haven't done anything with it since. However, I'm growing up now, and actually went to the bank to set up an IRA. Ok, so I'm getting a push to do it from the company I've been with for the last 3 1/2 years, but still... I did it, even chose the funds I wanted to invest in.

After I did that... I dealt with fear # 2.

I went to a movie. By myself. I know, that seems like a strange thing to be afraid of, and I don't know where it comes from. It's mostly a female thing, I think - I don't know a lot of men that are unwilling to go to a movie by themselves, but the majority of my female friends won't do it either. This was actually the second time I've gone to a movie alone, but the first was on a business trip, in another city, another state, and my meetings didn't start until the next day. I wonder why women are reluctant to do these things by themselves? I don't have any problem going to a restaurant alone - so why a movie? Maybe because I didn't have anyone to make smart-ass comments to? Maybe because I associate movies with dating - and therefore movies are foreplay? In any case, I did it. I didn't see a movie I was particularly interested in seeing, but it was the only R rated move at that theater - and I was proving a point! I can see R movies! Neener Neener - I'm a grown up.

Damn It.

Weekend

2007-09-03T10:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, if I was up for the "Supermom" title before - I should clinch it this weekend!

The kids have had a really good first month at school. In the early years of grammar, school they do an active progressive discipline, where the child has to move a clothespin, or another marker if they don't follow the rules. They start out on a light color and move up - in Kindegarten there are 4 stages; white is good, yellow is a warning, blue is a time out, and red is parent notification). In 1st grade, they follow the traffic signal - green is good, yellow is a warning, and red is trouble!

Well, for the first month of school, my little angels have stayed on white and green - so it was time for a reward!

I got the kids back from their father on Saturday evening, and we had a nice, quiet evening in. On Sunday we were up bright and early, and off to pick up a friend. Then down to Tempe where we headed to a splash park. The one we had intended to go to was already closed for the season, but there was a smaller alternative. It was basically a playground with fountains and sprayers so the kids ran around playing, and doing their best to soak their momma. (Successfully, I might add).

From there we went to Chuck E. Cheese - for a few hours of entertainment and crappy pizza. By the end of the day, the grown-ups were worn out, and probably the kids, too, but it's harder to tell with them!

We got back into town in the mid afternoon, and after about an hour of play, I made dinner (yep, all food groups once again present and accounted for) and then we did a little craft project together.

Bedtime for the munchkins was a special treat, as I let them sleep in the same room - something they ask for all the time, but since it usually means a really late night, we don't so it often. However, I figured after the day they had - they wouldn't have the energy to stay up late!

This morning, we were up at at 'em early - as of this time (10:45) we've had baths, eaten breakfast, gone to the grocery store, and made dinner (the kids did most of the work (or so they like to think) but we've got chicken and veggies in the slow-cooker for later). In about 15 minutes, we're heading out for lunch and a movie, then back to finish our housework and homework, and then... (and here is where the gold medal supermom award comes in...)

We will have dinner. With their father. Yep. I am either an amazing parent or freakin' insane, but either way, T will be coming over for dinner. It was so hard for me not to see the kids for 2 days, that I can't imagine how T can do it for 3 - so I'm being a nice guy and letting him come have dinner with the kids and I.

So, keep fingers crossed for me... wish me a night of peace.

Beautiful

2007-08-29T07:57:00.000-07:00

A conversation with my daughter last night:

Me: You're my beautiful girl, you know that?
A: But I'm not wearing my beautiful dress!
Me: But you're beautiful on the inside. In your heart, in your mind.
A: You can see my heart?
Me: Absolutely! When you paint me a picture, when you give me a hug, when you help me or your brother, when you want to make people feel better, when you cry because someone else is sad. I can see how beautiful your heart is all those times.

She didn't understand me, but if it sunk in on any level, that's one more point on my "Super-Mom" chart.

(Oh, the other points I earned yesterday were for feeding my children dinner with both a fruit AND a veggie, while mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, and cleaning - all before 7:00PM after a 9 1/2 hour day at the office)

Big Girls Don't Cry

2007-08-28T07:53:00.003-07:00

I'm a sap. I know it. Everyone who's ever seen a movie with me knows it. Correction: Everyone who's ever seen a television show with me knows it as well as everyone who's ever seen me read a book.

So, here's a quick question for today.

Last night, before going to bed, I RE-watched the final episode of "Friends" and cried like a baby.

So, why haven't I shed a single tear over the end of my marriage?

What to Say?

2007-08-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

My good friend was on my case last night for not having updated my Blog. When I told her that I didn't have anything to say lately, she said, "But you're going through a separation, you're painting your bathroom..."

Then I realized. I still have nothing to say. The drama is gone. I don't have witty anecdotes about how brainless men can be, because I don't have to deal with it! The most dramatic thing I've got going on at home right now is the 10 minutes of panic every morning trying to get my children dressed, brushed (teeth and hair), sunblocked, and bug sprayed, and into the car by 7:15.

I'm sure as I crawl out of my comfort zone and stick my neck out again, there will be more drama. As happy as I am in my anti-social world at the moment, I know that won't last. I'm going to want to actually LEAVE my house eventually, and when that happens I'll have plenty to say. I'm already getting asked if I'm going to start dating, and why don't I put up a personal, etc., etc., etc.

In the meantime, I will make an effort to put something up on this page - and I'll even give it an effort to be entertaining. You all like watching paint dry, right?

Why?

2007-08-16T07:59:00.000-07:00

I have a simple question this morning.

I don't wear a lot of make-up, but I do understand why women do. I understand why women would even go so far as to choose to get permanent make-up put on. This is what I don't understand - if you were going to go through the expense, danger and perhaps pain (and at least stress) to get makeup permanently tattooed to your face -- WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE POWDER BLUE EYE SHADOW???

Yes, I've seen it myself. The sales person at Sally Beauty Supply proudly showed me her permanent make-up - since it wasn't offered in the 70's at the height of powder-blue, WHY THE HELL DID SHE DO IT??

Anyone?

Go Army!

2007-08-15T07:59:00.000-07:00

Remember that slogan the Army used to use for recruiting? How they did more before 8AM than most people did all day? With all due respect to those that serve(d) in the armed forces, they ain't got shit on a single mom with a full-time job!

Ok, so technically I'm not a single mom - but I am 4 days a week. Here's a summary of what I did yesterday:

Up bright and early, ran laundry (child had an accident), put away clothes in the dryer from the night before, vacuumed living room floor, ensured children were dressed in clean, semi-color matching clothes, with brushed teeth and hair, sunblocked said children, dropped them off to before-school care, went to work. Put in a good 9 1/2 hour day, pick up children from after-school care, get them home, bathed (complete with hair washing), made them a semi-healthy dinner (hey, MOST food groups were represented), then turned them over to a friend for an hour while I went to their school for parent's night, as well as to pick up all the soccer gear and forms for T, who volunteered to coach S's team. (Please note: *I* didn't volunteer, but I'm the one picking this stuff up, signing forms, choosing a practice field and day, etc.) Get home from the school, and say goodnight to one child, thank the friend/babysitter, play with the other child until his bedtime, then get him in bed. Then I was allowed to have dinner myself (three cheers for leftovers!) After that, I did some more cleaning, more laundry, and vacuumed my bedroom. Around 10:30 I went to bed.

Of course, being a sorta single mom - going to bed does not necessarily mean the end of the day! I had one child with a bad dream, one with a radio issue, one with shadows moving in her room, and one needed a Kleenex and couldn't find one. Yes, I know I only have two children.

This morning the routine starts all over again with the need to run the washing machine - *again* (Damn cat and her hairballs!), and all the rest...

Go Army - Let's See You Beat That!

Weekends Are Different Now

2007-08-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

Well, this was the first weekend that included a custody transfer. T actually moved out a couple of weeks ago, but I took the kids out of town so this was the first time we actually had to do a kid exchange. It went amazingly well.

There was a little bit of fussing - but it was over a Lunchable. Of course, T, being the gentleman that he is, has to make sure that even though the kids aren't complaining in front of me, they were fussing about coming back to the house while in the car. I seriously think he thinks that it's a compliment to him, and an insult to me when the kids fuss about coming back to my house. He doesn't realize that it happens in the other direction, cuz I don't tell 'im!

After the exchange - I took the kids bowling with a friend, and they had a great time. They have already declared that they want to do that AGAIN next weekend.

As for me? I spent the rest of my weekend reclaiming my house. I emptied and reorgainzed cabinets, drawers, closets, etc. Moved furniture (all by myself, I'll have you know), changed the look and feel of the living room, playroom (and am working on my bedroom) - The kids loved the changes and said that the house looked really different, and that they were going to try to help keep it clean. (We'll see...)

By the end of the weekend, I was tired, sore and aching... and thrilled.

The Ol' Switcheroo

2007-08-09T08:08:00.001-07:00

Today is Thursday. This is the first time the kids will be going over to T's new place instead of being with me. Is it wrong that I'm really looking forward to a night off?

Of course, the planned events for the evening don't involve nakedness, alcohol, or any of the usual ingredients to a fun evening. Instead I'll be going to the library, dropping off forms and paying for next week at the Y, then going shopping to fulfill some swap commitments. Sound dull? Not to me. This is an evening spent by myself - listening to the music I choose, taking as long as I want to wander through the store, stopping to look at whatever I want to look at in the library, if I want to stop and have a snack - by gum, I will! I don't have a curfew, I don't have to check in, there is nobody waiting for me.

Funny, all the years I spent wanting someone waiting for me at home, and now I'm so glad to have one evening where there isn't anyone there.

Hi Me! Nice to see Me again!

A Long Overdue Update

2007-08-07T08:18:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's not that it's been that long since I posted an entry. It's what I haven't said in those entries that's overdue.

T and I split up. I know, I'm sure you're all totally shocked and appalled. Ok, maybe not. He and I split up a few weeks ago, and he moved out last weekend.

I know I'm supposed to be feeling sad for the end of my marriage, but why do I feel like doing the Watoosie? (Or some similar dance, that I actually KNOW how to do?) In many ways, my life has gotten harder - but I feel so much lighter. I feel like I want to come home again, even if it's just to do the laundry, cleaning, reorganizing, that I've been putting off for so long. I want to be there -I want to be with my kids, without thinking that whatever I say is going to be taken in 12 different ways (and none of them accurate). I am going to be able to have conversations with the children without anyone else interrupting because they need attention too. I'm going to be able to believe what people in my house say. I'm going to be able to build a safe, relaxing, fun home for my children.

The big thing is how the kids are doing about all of this. They cried when we told them that he was moving out - for about 10 minutes. Then they wanted to go to Del Taco. They are given every opportunity to ask any questions, talk about their feelings, but so far the big questions have been: From A: "How did daddy move that couch by himself"? and from S: "We have two pets at daddy's house, and only one here. That's not fair - we need another pet at this house." Ahh... the big issues...

I have so many ideas rolling around in my head - I want to paint, redecorate, reorganize, I need a lot of money. Donations are welcome!

Question of the Day

2007-08-02T07:56:00.000-07:00

Do you still believe in fairy tales?

Do you still believe in "Happily Ever After"?

I had an interesting conversation with a friend of my last night, and I'm happy to report that he still believes in the power and the existence of unquestionable, undeniable, unconditional love. Do you?

Discuss.

August 1st

2007-08-01T07:46:00.001-07:00

I always used to love the first day of a new month. I made a little ceremony out of changing my calendar over. "Calendar Changing Day" I called it. OK, so I wasn't too creative as a child.

Now it seems like a new month presents a new list of things to get done - meetings that seemed further off are now right in front of me, more birthdys to think about, not to mention all the bills that come with the first of the month.

Where did the summer go? My kids are starting school in a couple of days! How is this possible? Why is it, that when we're kids, time moves incredibly slow, especially as we wait for something we are looking forward to. Now, I can't seem to slow down enough to catch my breath.

If any one of you has the secret to slowing time down, would you please share?

Children are Sneaky

2007-07-31T08:09:00.000-07:00

Oh sure, they look all cute and innocent - but it's all an act. They're evil, I tell you!

Why else would my daughter know that if she asks to sleep in my room at bedtime, I'll say no. However, if she plays that "I had a bad dream" card after midnight, she finds herself tucked in and momma finds herself tired the next day?

She actually stayed fairly still, so I don't have any bruises to prove my theory, but the momma instinct kicked in full strength, and every time she got to close to the edge, I woke up with a start - terrified she'd plummet to the ground.

So today, you get no witty commentary, you may get some comics, depending on how much free time I have...

Happy Tuesday... SWEET dreams!

And another...

2007-07-30T13:38:00.001-07:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

A new take on an old question

2007-07-30T10:19:00.001-07:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Two Reasons to be Depressed

2007-07-29T18:13:00.001-07:00

I went to K-Mart today to buy the kids the supplies they needed for school. $85 later, I have the new Princess lunchbox, the new football lunch box, the water colors, hand sanitizers, boxes of Kleenex, markers, plastic folders, pencils (both regular and colored) and the crayons.

I don't even include spending the money in my reason for being upset. Rather, it was the statement that the teenage clerk made. to my comment, "Wow, school is expensive". His response "Is this for high school?"

Reason for Depression #1: I look old enough to have high school kids?
Reason for Depression #2: This kid was probably just out of high school - does he actually think that crayons and lunchboxes are part of the curriculum? What are they teaching in HIGH school now?

I'm going back to Wal-Mart, where they ask me if I'm 18.

Moms

2007-07-28T12:40:00.000-07:00

I always thought I knew the kind of parent I wanted to be. You know they type - the sexy MILF, the woman who doesn't look old enough or fat enough to have a kid. At the same time, she's totally oblivious to how she affects men. Her children are always well groomed, in matching, color-coordinated clothes, smiling, polite, etc.

All that changed over an Orange Mocha Frappuccino Light this morning.

The woman was obviously middle-aged, a bit overweight, not especially fashionable. The kid was wearing black pants and a T-shirt. Nothing remarkable - except that I couldn't take my eyes off of them. The woman was animated, making large-sweeping gestures with her hands. The kid, or rather the teenager, was totally engaged; responsive, involved, and enjoying himself.

When it was time for the woman to leave, the teenager, who was actually starting his shift at Starbucks, showed no signs of embarrassment, didn't even look around the room as he gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Now, *that* is the kind of mom I want to be. (Of course, if I'm a MILF too, I won't complain!)

Born Again

2007-07-18T08:01:00.000-07:00

No, not in a religious way.

It feels like I've got a newborn in the house again. S is sick. Has been sick since Sunday - and is currently unable to sleep through the night. When we were flying home, A was sick, and I just assumed this was the same thing, but now I'm not so sure.

A had a fever, and a slightly upset stomach (threw up once - in the airport - lovely), but the Tylenol always worked, and she was fine after 3 days. S is still running a fever. Or is running a fever again. I'm not sure.

For the last two nights, I haven't slept more than an hour and a half at a stretch. That's probably why this Blog entry is lacking it's usual wit and spark.

Monday night we had our first real storm of the monsoon season. So, between the thunder and lightening, the power outage, the screaming child (afraid of the power outage), the sick child (ok, same child, but different issue), the howling dog, and the fact that a flea fart can wake me up - I didn't sleep much.

Last night, the sick child went to sleep - I woke him up around 9:30 to give him some more medicine, to hopefully get him through the night. I went to sleep around 11. He was up at 12:15 - his clothes had been soaked through because he broke the fever, so he climbed into bed with me. At 1:00, the dog started barking, and by this point, S was getting stuffy again and kept trying to breathe through his nose, which made him frustrated and he'd whimper in his sleep. Since I had to get up to get the dog to quiet down, I crashed on the couch for a little while. Very little while. S needed water. Got him the water. Encouraged him to go to the bathroom, was denied. A little while later, I convinced him that his bed was dry - and wouldn't he like to sleep there? He went back to his own room, but needed something else around 4 - for some reason - I can't remember what. At 6:00 I heard him on the couch - snorting and whimpering again. The damn fever was back!

I tried to get him to eat a banana, he took a few bites, but that was it. He is drinking water though - a lot of water - so at least I know he's not dehydrated.

I get dressed, and run to Wally World to get some Tylenol plus Cold medicine - I wanted to help with the fever and the stuffy nose - and all I had for that was expired Children's Motrin Cold, which I didn't want to give him on his empty belly.

I get asked at Wal-Mart if I'm 18. Apparently, people are now getting high by drinking children's cold medicine. Ok, you all did get the part about me being asked if I was 18, right? Just checking.

I got back, medicated my kid, gathered my belongings and had to go wake T to take over. I want S to get to a doctor today, I think it's a sinus infection. (First thought was Strep - but the symptoms aren't quite right).

Oh, and did I mention that while looking for something to help my sick little boy, I stumbled across T's porn collection last night. Lovely.

Bad Luck

2007-07-16T08:37:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm not really a superstitious person. In fact, in high school, I did an entire report on the origins and fallacies of superstitions. However, this Friday the 13th kicked my butt.

Well, technically, it was the week of the 13th - I had bad luck starting on Monday night. More on that later.

On Friday the 13th, I finally made it back to my office, where I can't help but feel that my travel delays were not exactly believed 100%. Not that I can blame anyone, I don't believe them myself, and I was there!

Anyway - I'm getting through my in-box, I'm trying to clear out my e-mail, etc., and we lose power. COMPLETELY. We have a generator (and a purportedly gorgeous generator guy) so that kicked in and we were able to limp along. However, the less important things aren't on the generator, so that meant no music, no lights, but worst of all no air conditioning. (Did I mention that it was 98 degrees that day?)

Power comes back on, and we get nice and cooled off. Near the end of the day we had an all-hands on deck situation - so I was needed in multiple places at once. We get through that, and I end up having to stay late to get my reporting done - so I leave around 5:40 that evening. (Of course I'd come in an hour early anyway!) so it was a very long first day back.

Unfortunately, the weekend wasn't exactly the time to relax and recuperate from our trip. We had to make the choice to put down one of our dogs this weekend. She was 15 years old, and had a good life, but that doesn't make it any easier. It was especially tough on T, who'd had her since she was a puppy and S, who is a sweet, sensitive boy. They both went to the vet to say good-bye, where I stayed home with A, who was sad, but not as affected by this. A had a party to go to, which served as a great distraction for her for the rest of the day and T and S went to go play golf - some nice bonding time, and hopefully helped them relax, too.

The bad luck continued the next day when S woke me up bright and early - with a fever. I spent most of the day dosing him with Tylenol and trying to force fluids down his throat. T went to work, and I played low-key bubble blowing games with the kids, then let them lie down on the couch for a movie. Amazingly enough, they both went to sleep pretty early, which was surprising since they both napped during the day - not a typical thing for them at all!

Of course, he's still sick this morning, and T has him at home. T worked last night, but with all the extra time I missed because of the travel fiasco, I couldn't imagine even attempting to call in to work today. Hopefully, S will sleep some, and T will be able to as well.

I will post about the trip, and about the delights of travelling with United Airlines. Don't worry - you won't miss out on a thing. However, as I'm still playing catch-up at work - that'll have to wait for another day.

Trip - Day 1

2007-06-29T17:11:00.000-07:00

What's this? An unattended computer attached to the Internet? Well, then let's begin...

First of all, the kids did great - I really couldn't have asked for better. They slept from before the first plane took off until it landed, woke up, got on the shuttle, had a snack, got on the other plane, and went back to sleep. That part was great!

However, the airports and the airlines were horrible! They had cancelled a few flights over the last few days, so of course, they overbooked mine. The first leg went fine, I was able to convince the person (at first I wasn't sure, but it turned out to be a woman) to switch seats with me and take the aisle. The second leg of the flight was fubar from jump street. When I went to the kiosks to check in, I only got half of the boarding passes for the second leg. I got an employee at the airline to figure it out, and he got the other two passes printed, but only three of them had seat assignments - they had put T and S in the exit row - (hello?? 6 year old in emergency exit row - not allowed), they had put me in row 4, and A didn't have a seat. I tried to fix it, and was told I'd have to address it in Philadelphia.

We get to Philadelphia, and of course, the plane is late, then it's even later because of some problem with the gate. Then we get out of the plane (we were in the second to last, and last rows of course) and hustle to the new gate (which requires a long walk, a shuttle ride, and another long walk). I get there and the lovely lady (insert heavy sarcasm here) told me that the flight was oversold and that she'd try to get A a seat. I reiterated again - that she is 5 years old!!! She's not getting bumped or flying alone!!! The woman tried to say she will have to wait and see if there is a seat available, but I think she figured out from my evil look, that this was not an option. So she puts her in row 12. Hello? SHE'S 5 YEARS OLD! SHE IS NOT SITTING AWAY FROM HER FAMILY. This "customer service" employee's response? "You'll have to work it out on the plane, I can't play musical seats".

We get on the plane, and the flight attendant tells me just to take all of row 12. (Again, the back of the plane) - ok, fine. However, she doesn't tell anyone else this, so I get the pleasure of dealing with a very angry woman at 7AM - who tells me that "it's not her problem" that I'm in her seat, that she doesn't want to hear it, and that I can just take it up with the flight attendant. She then went on to complain about how she was being treated. She eventually took the seat, but I just love how I'm supposed to deal with these passengers now!!!

Anyway, we made it, we're here, and for the most part we had a lovely day.

My sister and her children met us at the airport, then we all drove over to my parent's place for coffee (never has a sight been so welcome), and various breakfasty foods. Play time for the kids, of course, and it was wonderful to see how well they got along again, even after not having seen each other for nearly a year!

We then went strawberry picking (pictures will be added later - you'll have to check back for those after I get home), then we went our separate ways for naps. Of course, my children didn't sleep! They slept maybe 5 1/2 hours altogether, but didn't take a nap! T did, of course. I was left to take care of the kids, and continually remind them to be quiet because Daddy was napping. There's something wrong with that!

After naps, we drove over to the new house my parents were buying so that we could see it - it's beautiful, big and grand, and has a lot of potential, but I'm worried that they're getting in over their heads both financially initially, and on upkeep. From the house we take a short walk down to the beach - a private little button-hole sized beach, but the kids had a great time dipping their toes in the waves, watching the boats go by, looking for sea glass, etc. (Again, come back later for the photos!)

Well, it's now 8:30 locally, and I've slept about 3 hours in the last 36, so I'm pretty pooped. Tomorrow we're driving to Bar Harbor (it's about 4 hours away), and then the REAL vacation begins.

More updates soon!

Vacay?

2007-06-28T07:39:00.000-07:00

I've always been good at multi-tasking. For example, right now I'm both looking forward to and dreading my trip. Let's break it down:

Things to look forward to:
Fun time with the kids
The Beach
Sleep
Seeing my brother for the first time in over a year.
Meeting his girlfriend.
Seeing my sister for the first time in just under a year.
Seeing my niece and nephew and watching them play with the kids.
Seeing my parents - especially now that mom is healthy.
Relaxing.
Geocaching in a brand new area and state.

Things to dread:
The flight.
A lot of uncomfortable time with T
Talking to the family about making the decision.
Making the decision.

Ok, I'm a logical sort of gal - for now - things to look forward to outnumber the things to dread. We'll go with that.

I probably won't be able to do a lot of updates while I'm gone - I though about bringing my laptop, but decided I just didn't want to carry it!

Take care, and I'll catch you all on the flip side!

Today's Lesson

2007-06-27T07:51:00.000-07:00

Focus on the moment.

That's my motto for today. I'm often feeling like I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the weekend, waiting for Monday, waiting for 5:00, waiting for vacation, etc. I remember as a child making fun of my father for planning his next meal while eating his current one. At breakfast, we'd talk about lunch, at lunch we'd plan dinner. I thought it was a terrible way to spend the time. I was right. So, why am I doing the equivalent?

During the work day, I'm thinking about what I need to get done at home. When I'm at home, I'm thinking about what I need to get done when the kids are in bed. When the kids are in bed, I'm thinking about what time I need to get up the next morning. You see the pattern.

So, last night I stopped myself. I had laundry to run, dishes to do, needed to get packed for my trip, needed to eat dinner. But I stopped. Looked. Listened. I sat on the couch, across from my children and just looked at them. Of course, then I had to get up and take the following pictures, because they were too cute not to. I especially like how the cat works her way into the scene.

So that's the plan for today, folks - focus on the moment, taste it, savor it, don't rush onto the next bite.

New Low

2007-06-26T07:40:00.001-07:00

I sunk to a new low last night. This one was surprising, even for me.

I watched a movie on the Lifetime Channel. (I'll pause for you to be shocked and pick yourselves back up off the floor). Ready?

Ok, this wasn't just an out-of-date chick flick finding a home for a couple of hours on the Lifetime Channel - this was an honest - made for women - made for television - made for Lifetime Original Movie - starring Jennie Garth of course. (Come On now, if it weren't for Lifetime what would those girls from 90210 do with themselves??)

It was called Girl Posi+ive (see how clever they are over there - using the plus sign for a "t" - you just can't buy entertainment like that!) Anyway, it's the story of two pretty blonde females that are positive for HIV. The movie takes place on a high school - and the audience (I have to assume I wasn't the only one) gets part of the information via really hip things like text messages, a video blog, and a MySpace Page.

The part of the movie that bothered me (aside from the part about me watching it) was the idea that kids in high school still didn't know much about the virus - and that the CDC is recommending that everyone be screened annually starting at age 13. Age 13????

Holy shit. I am in no way ready to be a parent of a teenager.